


Railroads and Waterfalls.

by sgtlennon



Category: Beatles, Green Day, The Beatles, classic rock - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, Drugs, F/M, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-06 09:23:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 18
Words: 79,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4216278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sgtlennon/pseuds/sgtlennon





	1. Chapter 1

Being the new girl was never any fun, especially if you were me. Always moving from place to pace due to my fathers job, but this place had some strange vibe to it, some sort of feeling that I couldn't quite name nor place my finger on. I was nervous, swallowing my pride as I walked to my bus stop and licked my dry lips, clutching my bottle of water. I swiped my hair back onto my face and glanced around as other people began to show up. My first day outfit was never anything special, a floral skirt, a white camisole, and a pink cardigan to match. I kept placing my hair behind my ears as the weight of my bag leaned against my shoulders, causing it pain.

 

It was my first day of school in a new town and I was already a sweaty, nervous wreck. I knew for a fact that people wouldn't be too kind to me or be too happy of my presence or whatever the case may be, they just weren't glad to have me around. Heh, listen to me I sound as cliche as any movie or book and I can't stand it but it is all true. I was shaking as the bus came to a stop at the corner of the street where I was standing and as the loud, shrieking tires finally stopped I pulled myself together and climbed onto the bus and took the first available seat.

 

Glancing behind me at all the unusual and different sea of faces as they all looked at me, shocked and I turned back around, situating myself. Just as the bus came to another stop and I practically slammed into the seat in front of me. A boy who was somehow striking had caught my attention got on and looked at me, then away and made his way to the back of the bus. I swallowed and just decided to keep to myself, staring out the window the rest of the way to school.

 

After a couple more stops we had finally arrived to the vast, big and somewhat filled school. I watched bus after bus unload children and I was panicky, I had no idea around the school and starting out here probably wasn't a good idea. Why couldn't my parents just homeschool me? I pulled out a map of the school and went to the office, getting my locker assignment and heading directly for it.

 

Opening it as all of my stuff cluttered the ground around me, I was hurriedly unloading it all into my locker, somewhat messy but also neat. I slammed the locker close with my foot and all of my stuff come tumbling out of my arms, to the ground as the person next to me closed their locker as well. It was the boy from the bus, whom I just spilled all of my stuff on.

 

"Oh my god I'm so!-" "Don't even worry about it," he said, smirking at me. Beginning to take off his flannel, then his t-shirt that I had just spilled my water on, to replace it with the flannel. Quickly buttoning it up, hoping nobody had noticed. I was in awe, shock, and had no idea what to say before he started stacking some of the things I had dropped back into my arms. As the bell rang he walked with me to class and I felt even more nervous just being around him, I'm not sure as to why.

 

"So you're new here, huh?" He looked at me, waiting for a response.

I twitched my thumbs against my books and looked at him behind my hair, "Uh yeah, huh um."

He just stared at me as we stopped walking, "So what class do you have first?" I was still trying to take this all in and him, he was new and just, all of this was captivating.

"Um," I pulled out my schedule and took a look at it before continuing, "Its uh room 212 with Mr. Benacar?"

"Yeah, that sounds about right, Benacar teaches old literature. I'm in that class, so uh, follow me I guess. If you can keep up." Thats when I noticed him take off towards the classroom and I struggled to keep up with him but tried to follow closely behind as we ran up two flights of stairs and went down six different hallways all to get to this far off classroom which he didn't even end up taking me to.

 

I managed to catch my breath and glance up at him, slamming all my belongings onto the ground as I heard the bell ring and glanced out the window he was pointing to. The view, of the vast landscape far past this school was beautiful. Mountains and trees along with birds and butterflies.

 

"I should um- get to class it isn't good for a new student to miss the first class on their first day - I uh think."

"Aw come on," He said as he pulled me towards a door behind him and I barely had any time to grab my bag and shove everything in there. Following him as his hand had mine, sweating into his palms as we made it back down onto the ground floor. He opened the door slightly, looking to the right in the direction of the 9th grade classrooms and pulled me towards the door they'd use in case of a fire. I breathed in all the gorgeous air and the sun felt amazing against my skin.

"We're not homefree yet!" He said as he dragged me to the fence that surrounded the school and he helped me climb it. I chuckled to myself and he smiled at me as we sat on the outside of the fence, looking back at the huge building.

 

I played with his fingers as he glanced me up and over, it felt good, being underneath the shade of the trees and the flowers surrounded me. I looked at him, striking green eyes, blue hair and a nose piercing, a shirt pointing at himself saying "Stupid," and some black jeans with a chain. He adjusted himself, picking himself off of the grass and spitting in the direction of the school. I picked myself up, dusting off my skirt and he gave me another once over. I'm guessing he was shocked at how he wasn't that much taller than me. I smirked at him, clutching my books.

 

"So your house?" I asked and he nodded, starting to walk in the direction of his house and I followed close behind.

"I never quite caught your name."

"Y'know I'm probably not healthy for you to be around, you should just go back to school." I was shocked and confused, as to why he would do all of that and then say this.

"Hey no!" I caught up to him as he had walked away and shook my head, gripping his shoulder

"Look I don't even know you all that well but you're too nice of a girl for me, sorry. Forget me." He ran off and I started to walk home as it soon started to rain, picking up my pace and hopping two fences. I put my bag on the counter and leaned back in the chair next to the island in my kitchen, covering my face with a book and screaming. 

 

I climbed up the stairs and slammed the door to my room, deciding to take a nap if I wasn't ever going to return to school, falling onto my bed and placing a pillow onto my face, I couldn't focus on anything. His laugh, his smile, clouded my mind. I was wondering what his name was, what was his story, his life, why was our friendship unhealthy? I sighed, wondering all of this as I skimmed throughout my book that I was unable to focus on, laying on my stomach, halfway off of the bed.

 

Glancing at my record collection as I got up, placing one under the needle as I listened to the Sex Pistols drain over the speakers, attempting to focus but being completely unable to. I sighed, thinking about how horrible tomorrow will be since I skipped the first day, going to sleep and just spending the rest of the day at home.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day soon broke and I pulled myself together, being sure to myself that I'd go into school with all the intention of talking to him and asking him what his problem was. Once I arrived, I realized he wasn't there. I sighed and asked around if anyone knew who he was or better yet, where he was but only two people really gave me any hints. I slammed my locker shut and went to my first class that he, yesterday promised to take me to.

 

I couldn't focus all I could see when I closed my eyes was his smile and big green eyes, I kept daydreaming or spacing out and I could never truly focus on one god forsaken bit of literature. I was told to write a piece, from my heart for my first assignment and thats when it came to me. I wrote a piece about him, the mystery he was to me. The words just couldn't come to me today for some reason, I was gnawing at my pencil as I just couldn't put my mind on the words to describe him.

 

At lunch I went out onto the smoking patio and there he was, sitting as immensely perfect as he did yesterday. I got this knot in my stomach and got extremely nervous around him. I glanced at him as he looked back at me, waving me over and I couldn't make my feet move towards him in the slightest. I tried controlling them but before I knew it I was moving in the direction towards him.

 

"H-hey," I said, clutching my arm as he moved over towards me, glancing over towards his friends and introducing me to them.

"This is Mike and Tre, my friends, lifelong that is." He smirked at me before continuing, "that uh reminds me I never got your name lovely."

"I'm Serenity."

"Wow how beautiful, never heard anyone with that name before." He raised his eyebrows at me and how dare he, how dare he stand there looking as good as he did, KNOWING it was pure torture just to watch him.

"And yours?"

"I'm Billie, Billie Joe whatever you want to refer to me as." He rolled his eyes and looked at me, biting his lip.

"Hey where were you? You weren't in class and I was just-"

"Missing me?"

"You wish. No, wondering where you were, you are the only person I know."

"Heh well I was busy that is."

"Doing?" I asked as he pulled out a bag of marijuana and I gasped.

"What? Never seen this in real life?" He chuckled and I shook my head.

"Hm, someone's a goody two shoes." 

"I am not!"

"Prove it." He said, chewing on his gum as he just stared at me, waiting for a response. I leaned against he table behind me just quietly keeping to myself as a girl who was unfamiliar walked up next to him, pulling his head towards hers and kissing him very roughly.

"Who's this? Some other girl you're trying to corrupt?" She smirked at him, laughing.

 

I clutched the strap of my bag as I heard the bell ring, darting off to class, wanting to get out of there as soon as possible. I have no idea what came over me but the way he looked at me made me feel something, special. As if I was special to someone. I knew I wasn't right for him, who was I kidding? I still couldn't bring myself to focus on class, schoolwork or anything but I tried. This school wiped the motivation out of me fast.


	2. Chapter 2

It was October of 85' and I dreaded going to school more and more each day, as the days got shorter and the nights drew long, the weather colder and I was freezing my ass off waiting for the bus. Then again it never really did get all that cold here considering its California, so I've experienced worse. I shut my eyes and drifted away to the sounds of the Dead Kennedys playing through my walkman. It was bliss until others showed up to the bus stop. I sat on the bench and my plan was to avoid Billie, and so far it had been doing well.

 

I grew closer to his friends, Mike and Tre who I now considered to be my friends. When I first saw Mike I thought he was a strict guy, it was just his facial features. But now we talk and wait for the bus every morning and sit together on the smoking patio for lunch. It was great. We were all young and insane I suppose, Billie especially. Billie hadn't talked to me much about what pestered him so much but it seems all for the month of September he was out of place. Mike finally showed up and we even started sitting on the bus together, until Billie showed up, thats when he moved to the back with Tre.

 

But for now, it was just me and him and the conversations were short and quiet.

 

"Mike, you have to tell me whats wrong with Billie," I looked at him sincerely.

"What? Nothings wrong with Billie, he's perfectly fine."

"Don't lie to me, Pritchard."

"Fuck you know I hate it when you call me that! Fine! Three years ago I think, when Billie was uh what? Ten? His dad died, okay there. It was in September and thats why he gets like that!" I swallowed quietly and turned away from him as we pulled up to Billie's stop and Mike immediately moved, like clockwork. 

 

When Billie sat next to me I was always in awe, always had this ecstatic feeling that never went away when I was around him. I don't know what it was, I was never entirely sure but fuck did I just want him to notice me like he did his girlfriend, Hazel, who I was extremely jealous of, but for now I had to hide it all, pretend I was okay with it and act as if everything was normal. I cleared my throat and my head, trying to think of all the right words but none came out.

 

"Hey," I said, grinning at him and he smiled back, which made my stomach flutter.

"Hey! Want to go costume shopping after school?"

"For what? Halloween? I don't trick or treat anymore, heh."

"Well then I'll help you hand out candy, but I'm still dressing up and don't think I won't eat some of that glorious candy you have!" He exclaimed, he was cheerful and ready for Halloween to come.

"So is Halloween your favourite holiday?"

"You can bet your ass it is!" He said loudly as we arrived to the school, getting off together and as always, there was Hazel. Ready to greet him with a kiss, taking him from me. I didn't mind I guess, they were cute together I just wish Billie and I got to hang out more. I sighed as I waited for Mike and Tre to get off and we all walked to class together. We all sat in the back, but even with that I was still able to hear and get all my work done. I don't know how, with Tre around.

 

Now, Mike was crazy but not nearly as crazy as Tre, Tre was always going on about well, just about everything you could imagine. How they faked the moon landing, how the JFK assassination was totally plotted out by the government, how all these secrets were being kept by the government and honestly, some of them made sense and were pretty understandable and logical. But when it came time for class I was able to block him out easily. I forgot my glasses at home that day so I had to copy off of Mike.

 

It came time for lunch and by this time it was a routine, Billie always ate with Hazel and I with Mike and Tre, once again, I didn't mind. I just wish I'd get a chance to hangout with Billie alone, get to know him, his girlfriend as well. I gnawed on the cardboard tasting french fries they served for lunch today as we sat off on a separate table as they had asked for privacy.

 

"Ya wanna know what the problem is with todays society?" Tre started as we looked at him with wide eyes, eyebrows raised. "The problem is is that they expect too much from us, like wayyy too much that is the sad reality of things."

"Tre are you okay?" Mike asked.

"Yeah I'm fine, why?"

"Just making sure." Mike retorted before looking back at me. "And what is wrong with princess?"

I glanced at him harshly and then back down at my feet, "I dunno, you ever feel like you're missing something? Or someone?"

"Guys we are all too young for this kind of talk, we're talking so seriously about the future, man what happens in the future we can't control. What happens in the past we can't control, but for now lets just worry about now, lets enjoy this. The time we have together, here right now because that is all that really matters." Mike said, and he was right, pulling himself onto the table, closing his eyes and enjoying the breeze. I brought myself up next to him, inbetween him and Tre.

"How do I get Billie to notice me more?"

"Pfft, notice you!?" Mike exclaimed, laughing.

"He's barely noticed me since he got that pinky ring over there. I was his best friend, I mean I guess I still am but I dunno. Heh." I sighed to myself. "Alright fine look, you really want Billie to notice you? Lets go."

"Where are we going?"

"To my dealers house where do ya think?"

"You're only 13 how do you have a dealer?"

"Man there is way worse things going on in the world and you're concerned about my age and the drugs I put into my body? Come on."

 

So Mike took me down the street, we took a right then a left and it felt like forever until he told us we had finally arrived. There were graves in their front yard and one room was entirely made out of glass. Tre had followed us and I was shaking so he wrapped his jacket around me for comfort. I sighed and moved the hair out of my face out of nervousness, biting my nails as my anxiety was rising. Mike knocked on the door and as it happened it kept getting worse. I felt an anxiety attack coming on but I knew I had to trust Mike and Tre. It began to rain as we were waiting for him to come to the door but finally it paid off, he answered the door and before I knew it we were in his house.

 

"Who's this?" He asked.

"This is Serenity, and Serenity this is John." I shook when Tre's hand grasped my arm.

"Nice to meet ya beautiful, well don't be shy or nervous, I'm not anyone scary, I won't hurt ya or bite." He held out his hand to shake mine and as soon as I placed mine in his there was this instantly strange feeling of shock going up my arm. I thought he'd be the one to be shocked about it considering I'm all wet from the rain. He just looked at me, smirking.

"So you live on your own?" I asked.

"Pfft, hell no, I'm only 15!" He exclaimed as we followed him to the back room of his house, he propped himself up on a desk and looked back at Mike. "Sooo you're here for what exactly?"

"Peroxide, I have cash I can pay you-"

"Peroxide? Thats it? I can get that shit at the grocery store, hold on, one minute keep your money."

"I also need a baggie of weed!"

"That you can pay me for!" He shouted back and Mike and Tre laughed, I smiled but only for a second because he soon returned with a bag in one hand and a bottle full of peroxide in the other. "How much you got?"

"$30"

"Alright here's 6 grams, you come back to me and I'll give ya more as long as you got money. See ya man." He clutched it, placing it in his pocket and we all just walked out of his house. We ran towards my house and I was curious as to why we were doing all this, but it was a rush. We got home to my big empty house, and Mike laid down on my couch, pulling out his baggie of weed. I shook my head and looked at Tre worried.

"Um hey you can't uh- you can't smoke that in here." He propped himself up, looking at me and nodded his head, putting it back in his pocket.

"Alright can you tell me what this was all for!?" I asked Mike as he walked up to me, Tre had just as much of a distraught look as I did.

"This is for you," He said, pulling out the bottle of peroxide before continuing, "This? This is alllll for me." He said, flicking the baggie of weed. I licked my lips and he just stared at me. "Any questions?"

"Yes! What the hell? Who was that guy?"

"My dealer, Tre's dealer, and Billie's dealer. Keep em' comin.'"

"Okay what is the Peroxide for!?" 

"Bleaching your fucking hair, now go get changed into something you don't like! Do you have any kool aid packets?"

"Yeah there's some red ones in the pantry!" I shouted down the stairs. I was hurriedly changing because the time was almost to 2 and 2:30 is when we all got out. I turned around to get a shirt out of my dresser but thats when I noticed Tre standing at the door. Good thing I had a bra on.

"Can I um, help you?" I asked, looking as innocent as I could.

"You're real beautiful Serenity, I just wanted to say that." I smiled at the compliment but before I could thank him he was gone. I pulled out an old band t-shirt that I got from a Ramones concert, it meant a lot to me, because they were my favourite band but it'd have to suffice. I rushed down the stairs to meet Mike and Tre at the bottom and Mike just stared at me. I pushed all my hair behind my shoulders as he just stared at my shirt with a puzzled look.

"Okay no way that is your fucking shirt." He started.

"It is too, I got it from a Ramones concert last year."

"Where?"

"Greek theater." I smirked at him, crossing my arms on my chest.

"Let me see your room?"

"Fine." I led them upstairs because apparently they just couldn't believe the type of music I listened to, for some reason. I opened the door and Mike's jaw immediately dropped, for some odd reason. He looked around at all the different posters I had, Dead Kennedys, The Clash, The Ramones, Black Flag, Misfits, and it went on for days. You could never count just how many posters were on my wall.

"I-"

"You what?"

"I took you more for a Queen or a uh, Beatles type of girl." Mike said.

"And if I did like them, what would be wrong with it? Huh? Maybe I do like them? You didn't take a good look at this wall." I said, pointing behind me. He glanced at it, it was smothered in Queen and Beatles. I was unsure as to why he didn't believe me about all this, I've been into "punk" as far as I can remember and he just stood there, staring at me with a completely shocked look on his face.

"Are you okay?" I asked as he came up to me and squeezed the life out of me. "What was all that for? Why didn't you believe me?"

"Its just- you dress like such a goody two shoes, like such a pristine young woman, I wouldn't think that-"

"I listened to music like this I got it I got it. Look can you just do whatever it was you were planning on doing?"

"Uh yeah, hey you got like a uh, what is it Tre?"

"A sewing needle!" He shouted from my bathroom.

"Yeah one of those."

"I might, why do you ask." He raised his eyebrows.

"Lets just say you might feel a slight pinch. You want your nose, your lip or your brow done? I can do ears too."

"No, no way that is too far you're not even licensed."

"Aw come on Billie did his own and his turned out fine, it looks great! You really think a licensed piercer would pierce a 13 year old boys nose!?"

"Well it did look good, I don't know give me time to think."

"Fine we got time anyway." He said, yanking me into my bathroom and beginning to put cold ass peroxide in strands of my hair. "Look just hold still and it'll all be over. Tre go get some kool aid! Don't worry this is how Billie does it every time."

 

My back started hurting from leaning over my bathtub but I sucked it up, we kept the peroxide in for what felt like forever but I knew it hurt my hair just as bad as regular bleach did. I sat in the bathtub and Mike, Tre and I all had long, deep conversations about well, everything. I guess something about this whole experience somehow brought us closer together. I wasn't sure how but it felt like they trusted me more. 15 minutes passed and I was once again leaned over the tub but this time I was getting it rinsed out. The peroxide turned it orange but I wasn't at all worried knowing I'd get red in it.

 

I blow-dried my hair and soon after they started dying my hair with kool aid, I looked at them like they were crazy but I knew it was my best bet. I suppose Mike didn't mind his hands being red because he just went at it with no gloves. I let it set in my hair and during this time I laid in the bathtub, leaning over the side, staring at Mike as he sat on my toilet. I raised my eyebrows at him.

 

"So have you decided what you want pierced?"

"I'm thinking my lip." I answered.

"Right or left?" He asked.

"Hm, dunno about that. Do you have a stud?"

"Yeah," he answered, pulling it out of his pocket and then washing it off, disinfecting it, everything he needed to do for it to be clean.

"How about right?"

"Yeah, you'd look good with it on that side." He said, smiling at me. I smiled back and he came over to me, inspecting my hair and said "15 more minutes then you should be good." I nodded and leaned back into the bathtub, scooting over to make room for him.

"Ya know its really nice having you around," I started as he climbed into the bathtub, then I continued "I thought I'd never find any friends here." I chuckled to myself and wrapped my arms around my legs as he looked at me reassuringly. 

"Hey I'm sure if you didn't find us, you'd find someone. You're a nice girl, you have a lot of ambition." He looked at me with some sort of a worried look on his face. Thats when Tre came racing in and sat on the toilet.

"Dude her brother has got some crazy shit in his room!"

"Wait what!?" I said, looking at him with an angry yet concerned look on my face. I followed him into my older brothers room and looked at him as if he knew I was asking "Where?"

"Under the floorboards look." He said, lifting two boards to show he had alcohol and cocaine.

"What the hell?" I said, I took the coke and threw it down the toilet, flushing it.

"Aw come on don't be a party ruiner."

"I'll be damned if I'd let either of you, my brother especially addicted to something as awful as that. That alcohol is my parents though, they accused me of taking it. Can you put it back in their cabinet?"

"Your parents have an alcohol cabinet?" Tre asked, looking over at Mike with his eyebrows raised.

"Yeah why?"

"Dude its just you're so rich, you have to remember we live in the shitty part of the area. We don't have everything you do." Mike said.

"Oh." I said, sadly and walked back into the bathroom as Mike loaded Tre up with the alcohol, shoving him down the stairs to go put it all back.

 

I sighed as I leaned over the side of the bathtub and Mike came over, rinsing it all out and I gasped as he practically slipped. I caught him and helped him up, and he continued. I heard him saying something to Tre but I couldn't tell what it was, it was something about my piercing though. I was nervous, I hated needles but I sucked it up. I guess reinventing myself was for the better and I couldn't wait. When he was finally done rinsing my hair I was excited to see it, I smiled at him and we laughed. Had he seriously just used kool aid to dye my hair? We both couldn't stop laughing for some odd reason and I fell back into the bathtub, it was something about the atmosphere.

 

Tre came rushing in when he heard me fall into the bathtub and he wiped his face when he saw I was okay. I pulled myself together, pulling myself onto the toilet, shaking and getting ready for the needle to puncture my lip. I closed my eyes and tried not to focus too much on it, but when the time came I tried to stay as still as possible only wanting to yank away. I embraced the pain as it felt amazing, my lip was thick and the pain seemed unbearable and as if it'd never end. But soon it was over and the stud was in. I looked at myself in the mirror, taking the towel off my head and practically gasping at the result. I hugged Mike and Tre, thanking them repetitively. I was happy with how it all turned out and was ready to get this over with.

 

They followed me into my room and I watched them as they scoured my closet and dresser, looking for something "suitable" for me to wear. I just watched and they took a pair of my pants and some scissors, cutting holes into the jeans. I watched them ruin my clothes, shirt after shirts and jeans after jeans and then they put a pair of Chuck Taylors in my hand along with my glasses. I kept messing with the stud in my lip as I changed in my bathroom, I heard them waiting for me to be done by the door.

 

Once I was ready, I took a deep breath and opened the door and they applauded themselves. I glared at them behind my glasses, swallowing as I looked at the time. I grabbed my jacket and raced down the stairs.

 

"I'll see you guys later! Thank you for everything, I could never thank you enough." I said as I darted out the door.

"Dude we got to get that chick to smoke some weed, she worries wayyy too much." Mike said, chuckling to Tre as they went into my room and laid a towel down in front of the door, rolling up joints. 

 

I walked towards the bus stop I said I'd meet Billie at, I was nervous he wouldn't like my new look but oh well, I did I guess that is all that mattered. My heart was racing and my hands wouldn't stop messing with each other and as I walked towards him he got up off of the bench. Gazing at me with his jaw dropped.

 

"S-Serenity?"

"Yeah?"

"I- you, wow." He said, taking a deep breath in.

"Quiet, lets go," I said and grabbed him by his wrist, running towards the party store so we can get costumes. We eventually began racing to the store, I looked over at him and smiled and picked up my pace. I beat him by a couple of steps, and once I caught my breath I went towards the back of the store to view the costumes. He came up to me, placing his hand in mine. I looked over at him, eyebrows raised and he pulled it away quickly. 

"I uh was thinking of going as Luke Skywalker."

"Lame! Luke Skywalker isn't shit." He sneered at me but I kept my opinion aired. "You could always be Han Solo." I continued, looking at the availability of costumes they had. I rolled my eyes as he looked at me, but he just stared, I smiled at him and kept listing off costumes he could get. 

"Nah how about Freddy Kruegar?" He looked at me with a devious smile, laughing and moving the hair out of my face. 

"What about Ghostbusters?"

"Hah!" He exclaimed and shook his head, wiping his nose.

"I think you should wear this." He said, picking up a Princess Leia's slave outfit, turning and raising his eyebrows at me.

"Yeah right! Okay how about you be E.T. and I be Elliott?" I laughed and placed the E.T. costume in his hands. 

"Oh you've got to be kidding me," He said, laughing but continuing with "I think I'll just go with Freddy Kruegar."

"What about me Mr.Kruegar? What am I supposed to be?" He examined me and thought, walking down the line of costumes.

"How about little miss pristine Claire from The Breakfast Club?"

"Are you kidding me? I'd rather be the basket case! Why don't you be Elvis?"

"Hey whoa hey, don't make fun of the king!" He said, imitating Elvis and I laughed, he was adorable, funny and practically irresistible.

"Alright if you be Elvis with that wonderful impression, I'll be Claire from the Breakfast Club. Deal?"

"Deal," He agreed, reaching out and shaking my hand, "I mean your hair matches now!" He continued, laughing and running off to the changing rooms before I could catch him.

 

I rolled my eyes and followed his direction to the changing rooms, slimming myself into a skirt and pink shirt, knowing I'd have boots and earrings to match. I sighed and pulled the shirt down more, I knew I looked awful in it but I had to accept it and go with it. I heard Billie yell for me to hurry up but I just couldn't present myself in front of him like this, not after the way he looked at me. I swallowed my pride and crossed my arms under my boobs, slamming the curtain to one side. 

 

Billie's eyes were wide, jaw agape and I swallowed, looking innocent, up at him under my hair and glasses, gnawing on my bottom lip. "You know that costume doesn't really suit you." I said.

He raised his eyebrows and said, "But that one suits you." He said, walking towards me and I raised my eyebrows, "But this was the deal," he finished. Pushing me back into the dressing room and shutting the curtain, running to the one next to me to get his clothes then returning to mine. Beginning to undress in front of me I swallowed and weaved my bottom lip in-between my teeth again. I ran my hands along his torso and looked at him with big, gleeful eyes.

 

Starting to remove the shirt to my costume I got nervous, anxiety ridden but I followed his movements and raised my arms as he discarded it. I felt his hand on the back of my head, pushing mine towards his. 'Finally, my first kiss,' I thought to myself and it happened. My hands ran all over him, his torso, his shoulders, face, hair, whatever I could grab onto, and his lips felt amazing against mine. Nothing could compare, and once it was over I wanted it to happen again, again and again.

 

So I guess that avoiding plan didn't work out like I planned. 


	3. Chapter 3

Halloween finally rolled around and I was excited just to see Billie, I had been waiting for this day and it couldn't come fast enough but finally, it was here. It was on a Saturday and the winds that morning made it pure bliss. Like every Saturday morning I pulled myself into my robe after a nice relaxing shower, made some tea and sat out on my front porch. I loved the sounds of the morning, birds chirping, winds wooshing and whatever else, but this morning I felt very off. Thats when I saw a van pull up to my house and I watched Billie get out of it.

 

"Billie!?" I said, excited but shocked that he was here so early.

"Ah hey Serenity," He said, nodding in my direction and then continuing, "Whats up?"

"Um I wasn't expecting you so soon, so early." I chuckled, putting a loose strand of hair behind my ear out of nervousness.

"Well we have to set up and decorate, you didn't do anything for Halloween this year! Look at your house, its totally bland. Good thing I brought decorations of my own." He said while pulling out boxes from his van. I went around the front and saw that it was his older brother driving.

"Hi I'm Sereni-"

"Yeah whatever." He said, rolling up his window. I sneered and went back around to help Billie, there were five boxes all of Halloween decorations. Pumpkin lights, paper ghosts, fake bats, everything you could name it was here. Thats when another car came bursting around the corner and stopped in front of my house. I watched as Mike and Tré got out and then the car raced off.

"What the hell guys? You couldn't call in advance?" I chuckled as they walked towards me and excitedly raced into my house. I laughed with Billie and it was good to see him smile, hear his laugh. His teeth were adorable and whenever he did smile or laugh he got these cute ass wrinkles. I tried to turn my focus elsewhere as we sat in the front room of my house, pulling things out of the bins Billie brought.

 

Thats when Tré rushed in with huge glasses on, underwear over his pants, my mums scarves wrapped around his wrists and waist and one of my grandmothers hats she gave me before she passed. I couldn't help but laugh and as I did I leaned more and more towards Billie. I tried keeping my distance, it was all so confusing. I didn't know what was going on between us, if we would stay consistently friends, if we were something more or what. I wanted to move past being friends but I also know Billie loved Hazel too much.

 

"Hazel should be here soon!" Billie said and I let out a sigh.

"Guess I'll go get the bags of candy." I said, smirking at him and walking into the kitchen, grabbing multiple big bowls from the cabinets and ripping open the packages full of candy. I noticed a note from my parents that read

 

_"Hey honey, sorry for the short notice but we'll be out of town this weekend, don't do anything too crazy and be safe since its Halloween. We took Carmen with us, sorry she couldn't enjoy the holiday with you. Your brother will be home Monday and we'll be back on Tuesday. We love you and remember to have a good time. - Love mum and dad. xx"_

 

I walked back into the room with the note in my hand and looked at them all with a big grin, they walked up to me and snatched the note from me. After reading it they had the same expression as I did just a few moments ago. Thats when Billie darted towards my phone and shushed all of us. Who could he be calling?

 

"Hey John? Is that you?" I could barely heard John on the other end but I tried my best to listen.

"Yeah okay I need you to help me make plans for a party, at uh- Whats your address Serenity?" I looked at him and whispered it into his ear to listen to him say it into the phone. I placed my hands on his shoulders when I heard a knock on the door and I jumped. I headed for the door, followed by Mike and to no surprise, it was Hazel. Inviting her in as she blew a bubble from her gum, looking at me with a harsh look.

"You're different from the last time I saw you, you look good. I love the hair. You got a bathroom I can change in?"

"First door on the left." I said as she walked away and locked it. Billie was off the phone and knocked on the door and as she opened it she yanked him in there. I swallowed and went back to rummaging through the decorations he had brought, remembering I had some in my basement. I forced the door open and rushed down the stairs, flipping the lights on.

 

Glancing around the big, cluttered room and looked through various boxes for our decorations, finding them. I smiled and pulled them upstairs, Mike offered to help but I refused. Tré was off pretending to play drums on my pots and pans with spoons, I chuckled and remembered in about a month or so it'd be his birthday. Now I definitely knew what I'd get him. 

 

My front room was cluttered with various boxes and Mike, Tré and I started decorating inside and outside the house. I helped Mike with the outside because I was worried he'd fall off of the ladder. I smiled at him as he looked down at me from my roof, hanging lights up.

 

"So do you like Hazel?" I asked as he scoffed and shook his head.

"I think she's totally wrong for Billie."

"How so?" I pondered.

"Well I dunno she's just so calm and mellow, she has no spontaneous moves or anything which I know is surprising to you. Its only when shes around you is she like that, she thinks its a competition. Billie likes challenge, so if you can one up whatever his next move is then you definitely have him hooked on you. He'll view you as a mystery. To me, it seems like Billie has been getting tired of Hazel, but I dunno that's just me. For some odd reason he just can't bring himself to break up with her. He's talked to me about it plenty of times." I placed my arms across my chest as I watched Tré come out of my house and ask what was up and what we were talking about.

"So what are you supposed to be Tré?" I asked

"I'm a superhero, duh." He sarcastically said and we all laughed, but thats when Billie came out of my house, collar of his shirt and hair a mess. I looked back up at Mike as he was in no rush to hang the lights. Tré began helping us with the ground decorations and I saw Hazel come through my door, dressed as Claire from The Breakfast Club. I scoffed and rushed inside, slamming the door.

 

Rushing up the stairs and slamming my door in anger, I remembered Billie was being Elvis and then I vowed to make myself look like Priscilla Presley. I went over to my phone and called my friend Jess who was new here and didn't have any friends. I told her about the party and Hazel and she immediately hung up the phone and darted over. When I heard her knock on the door I rushed downstairs and grabbed her, she had a handful of makeup and hair care products. I pushed her through the door of my room and we both laughed, I was acting crazy but I could care less.

 

She sat me down at my vanity and I pulled out a photo of Priscilla from when she was young and she nodded and smirked at me, telling me to turn towards the mirror and close my eyes. I felt makeup hit my face and I bit my lip and smiled, I took the mascara and did it myself, as she filled my eyebrows in and Mike and Tré came in, immediately walking out after saying "Nope." Jess and I both just chuckled. 

 

"Okay before we do your hair all big and poofy like Priscilla's do you want it that way? Or just flat and straight?"

"Uh-huh do me just like her, big and poofy. I want to stand out." She looked at me extremely happily and excited.

"Okay then first we need something for you to wear, we don't want to do your hair then you mess it up by putting on something to really put it all together." I agreed and we made a mess of my room by throwing all the dresses from my closet onto the bed. There was a black floral print one, a baby blue one or a baby pink one.

"You really want to stand out? Take the pink one, unless you have a brighter colour like yellow." I shook my head and put the pink dress on, stepping into pantyhose and black heels to match. She brought me back over to the vanity and went to work on my hair. Straightening, teasing, hairspray all this combination and by the time we were done I felt just like Priscilla. 

 

Thanking her and inviting her to stay for the party, which she agreed I went downstairs and she followed behind me. Mike and Tré looked at me with wide eyes, and I chuckled to myself. I went over to Mike and fixed the collar of his shirt, I asked Jess if she could grab some of my vinyls from upstairs and she agreed, I thanked her as she raced up the stairs. I went into the kitchen to make final touches to decorating and put the rest of the candy into bowls. Going back into the front area of my house and exiting it to go outside to wear Hazel and Billie sat together on the bench, I laid out the bowls filled with candy on the tables.

 

I turned and sat in the rocking chair opposite of the bench on my porch, smiling at them both and looking out for any trick or treaters. I leaned back in my chair as Mike came outside, standing next to me with his hands in his pockets, looking down at me. I asked him the time and he said 7:00, I knew people would be coming out soon. I prepared myself by trying to look fully rested and excited for the kids and their parents. 

 

"Can I ask what you're supposed to be exactly?" Hazel said, looking at me with a hateful look as if she already knew.

"Oh I'm Priscilla Presley silly, ya know Elvis' wife." I looked back towards the road and straightened my posture as I saw kids with their families. "So I guess Billie is my husband this evening." I said and they all laughed as the kid came up to my porch saying "trick or treat" and I put about 5 pieces of candy into his bag, and he said thank you and ran off. 

 

A few more kids and preteens came up asking for candy and I gladly obliged by giving them candy, thats when a crazy van full of a bunch of people who were here for our party and I looked at Mike excitedly. I stood and welcomed into my house as I asked Mike to take my spot for handing out candy and he accepted. I headed inside to put an AC/DC record on and pulled a couple of bottles of alcohol from my parents cabinet, laying them out on the counter along with plastic cups. I heard Mike let more people in and I smiled, welcoming them. 

 

A couple of them made flirty eyes with me and I rolled mine, laughing. I ran upstairs to grab more records like Sex Pistols and Dead Kennedys along with some Journey records, mixed with Queen. I smiled down at the records I was holding and went to leave my room as I bumped into Billie, dropping them all. I worriedly picked them up, hoping none of them broke or hit the floor too hard.

 

"Is this going to become a routine for us?" He said and we laughed as he put half of them in my arms and he carried the rest downstairs.

"Where's Hazel?" I asked and he just shrugged as we sat on the steps telling jokes and sharing smiles and memories I knew I'd remember for a long time. I rolled my eyes at something he said and I asked if he would take me as Priscilla for the evening and he jokingly answered, "as long as you don't step on my blue suede shoes!" I giggled and we raced back down the stairs. I took my heels off and slammed them into a corner, tonight was the first night I ever felt genuinely close to Billie. I got to see him have a good time, let himself go and truly smile and laugh.

 

I took a deep breath and headed for the living room and kitchen where everyone was gathered and Billie called me over to take a shot. I refused but he just told me to try it and I guess it wouldn't be so bad. I chugged it down fast and it tasted terrible, I made a horrible, bitter looking face afterward. Walking over to the living room as Billie followed close behind and we sat on the couch with Mike and Tré. Mike changed into his costume and he was going as Batman. They were passing around a joint and again offered it to me. I decided to suck it up and have a good time.

 

Taking a drag off of the joint and exhaling soon after as it filled my lungs, Billie looked at me smiling as Hazel came in with her bowl, taking some of her weed and lighting it in her bowl. I rolled my eyes and soon she wouldn't stop coughing, I got worried, as Billie got up so did I and he took her bowl, examining it. It wasn't clean, it was full of ashes and I made a disgusted face. The smell was really getting to me, but for Hazel it was even worse and I escorted her to the bathroom, listening to her throw up.

 

I was honestly surprised how well my first time smoking turned out, I went back to join the three on the sofa and sat between Mike and Billie as Tré spotted a good looking girl and I said "go get em' tiger," watching him race off to go dance with her. I laughed as I watched him and soon the effects started coming on and I felt really calm, relaxed and not worried at all. I leaned back, smiling at Billie as he talked with everyone at the party.

 

Getting hungry and tired I went over to my pantry and grabbed a bag of pretzels, shoving handfuls in as Billie came over and snatched it from me. He looked at me disapprovingly and shook his head, grabbing my wrist and taking me outside as he called for a pizza. I smiled at him and we sat outside in silence waiting for the delivery person. I looked at him as the lights of the stars and moon practically surrounded his face, outlining his beauty.

 

Thats when he broke the silence, "Serenity?" I looked at him with big, graceful eyes and he continued, "I can't thank you enough for being there."

"Heh what do you mean?" I asked him, I really was confused as to what he was going on about.

"I don't know, but its just September has always been a hard month for me in recent years because my dad passed away."

"You don't need to say anymore," I said "I'll always be here if you need me, Mr.Presley." I chuckled and he smiled at that.

"I just feel so open and comfortable around you, like I can be myself." I smiled and he did as well as the delivery woman arrived and I gave her a $10 bill. She smiled and said, "Nice costumes, so original." She rolled her eyes and walked away and I said, "You forgot your tip." Thats when she turned around and I held my middle finger out to her, laughing and returning inside. Immediately gnawing on pizza and going back into the living room to interact with others again.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning broke and the previous night was a blur, I was starving and I glanced at everyone who was passed out around me. What ever happened with Hazel? Is she okay? Did she go home? I turned around to view the living room and I saw Mike passed out on the couch, Tré on the floor and Billie, well he was on my kitchen counter. I looked at the mess I'd have to clean up, good thing I had all day to do it.

 

I made my way over to the couch and woke Mike up, while also kicking Tré to wake him. I was confused and completely out of it, unaware of anything that had happened that previous night. The boys promised to help stay and clean up with me but they were all half asleep and honestly I could go for a few more hours. I looked around the room to see if any one else was here but it appeared everyone had gone home. 

 

There was a loud thumping coming from upstairs though, it kept getting louder and our ears filled with grunting noises. It woke them all up and we all had strange looks on our faces, all giving each other the same stare. I looked around for Jess but noticed a note on the coffee table.

 

_"Serenity, thanks for a great night, you looked great and I hope you and Billie work it all out. You two would be a great couple, I'd love to see you two together or even go on a double date with you, him and Mike. See ya at school. :) -Jess"_

 

I smiled at the note and crumbled it up, throwing it onto the floor as Billie got off the counter, Tré picked himself up off of the floor and Mike was behind me. We all braced ourselves for what was upstairs as we climbed them, and found the door it was behind, my parents door. Upon opening it I got a great view of a white, pasty ass of someone fucking the life out of someone else. Thats when they turned and I recognized the faces and I turned to look at Billie.

 

We all couldn't believe Hazel was cheating on Billie, it came as a shock to us all. Mike told me this was the craziest thing she had done in a long time, he dragged the guy who was fucking her out of my house naked. Tré and I stayed in the room with Hazel and Billie as she hurriedly wrapped herself in my parents blanket. I scratched the back of my neck as I looked over to see Mike return. 

 

"What the hell Hazel?" Billie started.

"I don't know what to say!"

"I'm sorry would be a good thing." Tré said and never did I hear him more serious. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you? I give you practically everything I can and this is what I get in return? This is how you repay me? By fucking my mental health up even more?" Billie spat out at her.

She looked at all of us worried and started crying, "I'm sorry Billie."

"No stop, I don't know how long this was going on for or who in the hell else you were cheating on me with but fuck you Hazel, just fuck you. I gave you everything I had to offer, I got down on my knees begging you to stay with me when my dad passed away. Fuck I know I'm young, I know we're young but I pictured having a life with you!" Hearing him say that set me a bit off but I knew he was angry so I kept my thoughts to myself. I grabbed one arm with my hand, clutching it, scratching at it.

"I'm so sorry Billie I-"

"Save it! I don't want to hear it!" He said, storming out of the room and down the stairs only to exit my house. I looked back at Hazel who was getting dressed in a hurry and Mike and Tré left the room and went to start cleaning, whistling some songs and pretending like they don't know anything. I however, walked up to her as I had a few words for her.

"Why did you really do it?" I asked, knowing I'd get some bullshit response.

"I was drunk, I was high and I felt awful and unappealing after I had thrown up. It felt like Billie didn't want to see me that way or that he didn't find me attractive anymore. I needed something, some kind of affection-" I put my hand up to her face and had a disapproving look on mine.

"Stop, that is no excuse. There is no excuse for cheating."

"He cheated on me!"

"And you took him back and this is what you do to him? Man, have fun having a fucked up relationship."

"Hey I know you've had your eye on him since the day you met him and if you think he won't do that to you then-"

"Hah stop right there, cause you don't know me and never have and never will. If you cheated first then I don't want to hear shit from you."

"He loved me! He loved me until you came here."

"Bullshit! You stopped putting in effort and so did he, that isn't anyone else's fault except both of yours. So fuck off and get out of my house." I yelled for Mike and Tré and they escorted her out.

 

We all sat on my couch wondering what we were going to do about Billie, but we put all that anxiety into cleaning and taking down the decorations. I got a call from my mum and we talked about everything, that is except for the party, and my friends because I knew if she knew them, how they looked, who they were and what they were like she'd disown me no doubt. I played with the phone cord and told her I had to go, so I soon hung up and got back to helping Tré and Mike clean. This has all been one long, confusing experience. 


	4. Chapter 4

Two months had passed and it was now December, which means Christmas was soon and it was quickly arriving. I was ecstatic to give the gifts I had been saving up for for Billie, Mike and Tré to them. I think they'd be very excited and happy with what they'll be getting from me. At least I hoped. Anyway, Jess was with Mike now and it was amazing to see the two so happy together, I don't think I'd ever seen Mike look at someone that way or smile or laugh as much as he did with Jess. Tré however was still good ol' Tré, as amazing as ever and just as single. I don't think you could really tie Tré down to anyone, he was crazy. Whoever married him had a real challenge, but were lucky.

 

I was stuck with him while Jess and Mike were out having fun, I wasn't complaining but I just felt so disconnected from the world. Like I was missing out on something, I felt alone and nothing made me feel right. Billie was still upset about Hazel and I didn't blame him, he had every right to be. It was like he wasn't there at all, I mean, he was but he wasn't interested in anything. I hope my gift would make up for that.

 

It was the last day before winter break and I planned on giving my gifts to them, I went up to Tré in the hallway and tapped on his shoulder as he turned to me with a grin on his face.

 

"Hey Serenity!" He said and I smiled back.

"Hey! Okay I need you and Mike to do me a favor, where is Mike?" I asked as Tré pointed behind me and I noticed him walking in with Jess and he left to come towards us.

"Whats up guys?" He said.

"Okay you all need to be at my house at 5 after school, you NEED to get Billie there. Do whatever it takes, thanks." I said, patting them on their shoulders and running off to meet up with Jess.

"Jess do you have them?" I asked and she nodded, pulling out the santa hats and I put one on my head, smiling and laughing at her as she did the same. We ran down the hallway and screamed as we were excited for winter break. We made our way to the bathroom and I talked to her more about the plan.

"Do you think it'll work?" I asked and she looked at me like I was a fool.

"Please he'd be stupid not to accept your gift, look he idolizes all these bands right? He should definitely want it." She said and I took a deep breath and thanked her for reassuring me.

"You're going to be there with me, right?" I worriedly asked.

"Of course silly! I can't wait to see Mike's face when he sees you got him a bass." She said as we walked out of the bathroom and to class.

 

I went in early to see Billie as I sat right in front of him, turning around to face him and pelting him with rubber bands, attempting to get his attention. He looked at me and I laughed, and he smiled. He actually smiled back, I think that was the first time in a month I saw him smile. It gave me a bit of hope but I couldn't keep his attention for more than a second. 

 

Turning to face forward and sighing, moving the hair out of my face, messing with my pencil and gnawing on my lip as Jess came in with a fake note that I had some emergency phone call with my mum and I smiled knowing that once Billie took a bathroom break Mike and Tré were taking him to my place. Jess and I laughed as we went through the gym exit of the school and headed through the woods to my house.

 

When we got there we immediately went for my living room and was in a rush to get it all set up. The guitar, the amps, the bass, the mic, the drums, everything we could. Tré and Mike had no idea what they were getting and I knew Tré would be excited so I was just so jumpy for them to get here.

 

Finally, I heard the knock on the door and I rushed to it as I saw Billie say "Hi" to me from behind Mike, who had Billie slung over his shoulder. I raised my eyebrows in an "oh my god," manner but invited them in and called Jess to the front. We put blindfolds on them and lead them into my living room. Feeling Billie's hand in mine like that made me want to lose it then and there but I held myself together. Taking off their blindfolds and seeing their reactions was everything I'd hoped.

 

They fell in love with them and Tré was practically drooling over the drum set and Mike and Billie did the same with their instruments.

 

"I - How did you?" Mike started.

"It was all Serenity's idea." She said as she pointed to me and I smiled at them all. Billie came up to me and hugged me and god it was the best feeling in the world, to be in his arms, feeling his hands rub my back. Billie went back over to the guitar and had no idea how to play, I chuckled to myself and went up to him, putting the guitar back on the stand.

"I'll give you lessons over break, okay?" He nodded at me and hugged me again.

"I can't thank you enough." He whispered to me and I rubbed his back.

"Seriously Serenity, you're awesome." Tré said and Mike looked at him, nodding. I blushed and took Billie upstairs with his guitar.

 

The lessons began sooner than I expected and I was excited about it all. I encouraged him to try it out on his own, I leaned over, adjusting his fingers for him, showing him where the chords were. He looked at me with those big green eyes and goofy smile and I almost lost it.

 

"How do you know so much about guitar?" He asked.

"My dad, he was a big player and taught me." I answered.

"Do you know any songs?" He asked.

"By who?" I said while smiling.

"Hm, how about some Social Distortion?"

"Challenging but I love challenge." I said before playing 'Mommy's Little Monster.' His jaw dropped as he watched me play with ease.

"Doesn't it hurt your fingers?" He asked and I shrugged.

"It used to but if you play for awhile you get used to it, y'know?" He nodded and I got back to teaching him chords.

"Okay there are two ways to learn, sheet music and tabs. Tabs make it a hell of a whole lot easier but its up to you and what you find to be easier." He just stared at me and I tried not to look into those big, beautiful green eyes. "Um so try playing this okay, we're gonna go from A major to C major, then to D minor then to G major, then back to A minor. Just follow my fingers." He looked possessed, hypnotized by my fingers and never stopped watching them, then repeating my exact movements. I could tell he was an easy and fast learner.

 

* * *

 

 

Weeks passed and as they did I taught Billie more and more, it was now December 31st, new years eve. We hadn't been back at school yet but I got a call from someone and I fell out of bed trying to answer it. I pulled myself off of the ground and answered, whispering into the phone and I recognized that voice from anywhere, it had a slight shyness to it and it was adorable.

 

"H-hey Billie." I said chuckling.

"Hey," He replied, continuing before I could say anything else, "I want to show you something, come over later?"

I swallowed, I had never been over to Billie's house before but I knew this opportunity would have to arrive sometime. I finally gave him a late response, "Uh sure yeah, whats your address?"

"I'm in the neighborhood across from yours, the back of it. It has a basketball hoop in front of it, I'll be out there playing to make sure you get there right. I live on a cul-de-sac. I live on Cedar street, my house number is 53, I'm at the end of the cul-de-sac. From your house out of the end of the street take a left and cross the street then enter that neighborhood, take a left, a right, and then go straight from there. I'll be seeing you soon." I could hear him smiling as he hung up and I thought about everything that could be happening right now, smiling to myself, getting butterflies in my stomach as they fluttered throughout my whole body eventually. 

 

I got up and showered, all I could think about was Billie and what he could be planning, running my hands through my hair to rinse out the shampoo, wishing they were his. Once I got out I hurriedly rushed to get dry, not remembering what time he said to come over or if he even gave me a time. I planned to call him back but didn't want to seem clingy. I told myself I'd go over there at noon, it was 7:45, why did he call me so early? Eh whatever I had time to eat at least. I picked out an outfit, rummaging throughout my closet but unsure of what to wear.

 

Once again at a time like this I called Jess, who always knew what to do and what to wear. She only lived a couple houses down from me and usually we were having sleepovers anyway so it wasn't hard or a pain for her to come here. I asked if she wanted to join me in going over to Billie's and she gladly accepted knowing the possibility that Mike would be there. I smiled back at her and thats when my little sister came in. I rolled my eyes at the sight of her and told her to get out. She was two years younger than me and I couldn't stand her.

 

I focused my attention back to picking out an outfit and knowing it'd be cold at least somewhat I decided to wear a long sleeve shirt with a denim jacket over it, some ripped jeans and my chuck taylors. I sat as she did my hair and I tried doing my makeup in a miserable attempt but all I could turn my mind back to was Billie. I always wanted to look good for him, to impress him, to take his breath away every time he saw me. I doubt I did that.

 

Exiting my room to go into the bathroom but hearing my mum call me into her room, seeing her sitting on her bed and I sat on the end of it. Reliving the horrid memory of Hazel getting fucked on my parents bed.

 

"Where are you planning on going?" She asked

"My friends house."

"Your friend, who's your friend?"

"Billie."

"I haven't met this Billie." She said and I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah and you haven't met Tré or Mike either so who cares." I said and she noticed I was wearing eyeliner.

"Is that? Is that eyeliner!? What did I tell you about this?"

"Oh fuck off mum, I'm not a baby anymore. I'm not Carmen who needs your attention every two seconds, who needs EVERYONES attention every fucking second of her life."

"You're just like your brother!"

"And thats bad? Oh what are you going to do send me off to a military school too? You realize that isn't going to do anything except make him resent you more right!?" Thats when she slapped me and I stormed out of her room, slamming her door and grabbing Jess from my room, heading down the stairs and I heard my mums door open again.

"Get out of my fucking house and don't ever come back you ungrateful piece of shit!"

"Ya know maybe you should just stop having kids if this is how you treat them and they all turn out the same!" I said, walking out of the house and slamming the door closed behind me, crying while dragging Jess back to her house.

 

Upon entering I saw her family sitting at the table and they noticed the tears streaming down my face, all looking concerned and asking what happened, what was wrong. I told them the story and Jess' mum told me she vowed to adopt me and I told her she didn't have to do that, that I would be okay. She refused to listen and I stuttered as she called her husband, who was a lawyer. Jess told me we had to go back to my house to get all my shit and I agreed, I would go alone and she could stay here and get ready.

 

I stayed for a little while longer, eating some breakfast they offered, which beat the cereal I had planned on eating. It was french toast and orange juice and it filled me up fast. Their family had always been full of love they told me, going on with stories about all their wonderful adventures and her mum seemed so sweet. I didn't know them that well but I knew I wanted to live here. It seemed like this is how a family was supposed to be. 

 

So after stories and about 3 glasses of orange juice I finally decided to trug back to the hateful place I called my home. Slamming through the door and running into my room, taking everything that I considered to be a necessity. My clothes, my makeup, my hair products, my guitar, my camera, everything that meant a lot to me. I went over to the phone and called Mike and Tré asking if they'd come over to help me and they said they gladly would after I told them what happened. I got a box for my records and record player and thats when I heard them knock and I rushed down the stairs to answer.

 

"Look mum my friends are here if you want to pretend to be a good mum and make a good impression and meet them!" I shouted while going up the stairs and they followed me. I saw my little sister come in and I looked at her with a resentful look. "Well guess you're getting your wish Carmen! You're going to be an only child in this big, empty house. So fuck you, fuck mum and fuck dad for leaving. Fuck mum for sending Zach off to a military school and fuck you just fuck you, you and her combined make my life a living hell and I'm glad I'm fucking out of here." I grabbed all my school stuff and pushed her out of the way as Mike and Tré got the last two boxes which had my records in it.

 

I left my home in tears, the place I'd known for 13 years and the place I vowed to never return to. When I returned to Jess' house I asked if I could call my dad, who I hadn't seen in 3 years. I heard him answer and ask who this was and I swallowed, wanting to cry even harder.

 

"Um dad?" I said and he said my name, sounding shocked.

"I thought you said you never wanted to talk to me again." He said.

"Yeah well, Robert things changed, I know I'm not much older now but I am older. I've had time to think and I'm not angry at you anymore for leaving, it was for your own good and that's why I had to leave too."

I heard him gasp at what I said and he asked how Zach was and I answered honestly, telling him I had absolutely no idea. I hadn't gotten a letter from him in months and I didn't know if he had killed himself but I knew he sure as hell talked about it. I know I was the only person he wrote to in the family because he hadn't cared much for Carmen either. The reason we all despised Carmen so much was because she wasn't my dads kid, my mum cheated on him what, 11 years ago and now we were stuck with that little shit.

We talked more and caught up, he told me he was a CO of a big corporation now and I told him I was proud of him. I told him about Mike and Tré and Billie and how infatuated with Billie I was and he told me it was adorable to hear how in love I sounded. He told me it was good to hear from me and that he always wanted to call but never did because he knew I either would scream at him or just not answer. We agreed that he'd come down for occasional visits and he said he felt he owed me, but I told him to keep everything he had and that he didn't have to spend it on me.

 

Once I hung up the phone I turned to see Mike, Tré, and Jess all standing there and I went up to Mike first, hugging him and thanking him for everything he had done for me, going down the line and thanking each and everyone of them for everything they had done for me. Mike said they had to go and he kissed Jess and said bye.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billies POV*

 

I couldn't believe it, I was finally going to play the song I had written for her. I was nervous but excited all the while, I heard Mike and Tré coming up behind me and I turned to them saying hey, doing our handshake. I opened the garage and turned to them with a brilliant idea.

 

"You know what we should do?" They shrugged and gave me a questioning look, "We should start a fucking band, I mean I know we aren't professionals but hey neither were The Beatles when they started, we can do this. It isn't like we have anything to lose." They gave me a 'why not' look and both agreed, saying "We're in." and going over to their instruments so we could all practice. I played the song until it was perfect and it sounded just about right. I smiled at them and they were all excited for me, wishing me good luck.

 

"So why were you guys late?" I asked as they pulled out some sodas from my garage fridge.

"We had to go help Serenity."

"Help? Help with what?" I asked in a worried tone.

"Uh her mum slapped her and she moved out into Jess' house." When I heard what her mum did I became furious. Thats when I heard Mike continue to say, "Whoa hey Billie calm down, she's fine. She's safe now, that's whats important. It's going to be okay, don't turn this into something bigger than it is." I nodded and tried to calm myself down but couldn't focus on anything else except Serenity.

 

Speaking of Serenity thats when she arrived and I got extremely nervous, feeling like I was going to puke. I sucked it up and pulled myself together and grabbed my guitar by the neck, telling her to sit in the lawn chair I set out for her. I spoke into the microphone, telling her the song was indeed dedicated to her and she got the cutest smile on her face, cheeks turning red. I told her it was called 1000 hours and I knew, somehow she had the same feeling in her stomach I did. Nervousness, butterflies but also a knot of some sort. 

 

I began to play, trying to make sure I had the right chords and I heard Tré starting to play and I smiled back at him, starting to sing the lyrics, watching her reaction the entire time and I almost forgot the lyrics. I tried focusing but she was just too adorable, I knew I didn't deserve her but I wanted her and I would treat her right, that's all that mattered. 

 

Once the song was over and I put my guitar down I turned to see her rushing towards me, planting a kiss on my lips, falling into me and it felt so good. I kissed back, hands running up her back and sides, did it feel good to have her. I was wrapped around her finger and all I could hope was that she was wrapped around mine.

 

The kiss finally ended and I jokingly said, "Whoa save that for tonight." She laughed and began kissing me some more, I picked her up and carried her into my house, sitting her down on the couch and going into the kitchen. I couldn't stop thinking about what her mum did to her, how could anyone treat her, the most beautiful girl in the world that way? I tried to shake the thoughts but they kept coming back, I focused on now and the time I had with her. Was she my girlfriend? Was I allowed to consider her that? I didn't know and I was too afraid to ask but I sat next to her on my couch and turned the tv on.

 

Hours passed and it was about to be new years, I got out my mums scotch and some shot glasses, returning back to the couch and we counted down along with the tv as we watched the ball drop. I turned to her and watched her excitedly count down and once it got to zero, she kissed me and I felt Tré snatch the scotch from me, screaming and pouring out shots. The kiss felt like it was lasting forever and I never wanted it to end, I never wanted to be without her. That is something I was sure of.

 

By the end of the night we were all drunk, passed out on my couch and Serenity's head was on my shoulder, her hand in mine. Something clicked, changed that night and whatever it was, it was nice and I didn't want it to go away.


	5. Chapter 5

*Serenitys POV*

 

Months, days, weeks all went by and all I could bring myself to think about was Billie. He had really improved on his guitar playing and I was so proud of him, I was still unsure of what we were. He and I were still friends, at least he acted like it. Maybe he wasn't ready for a relationship, which was understandable. It was spring break and I was excited because anything could happen. Billie was now 14 and getting older and older he focused more on his band. He was risking everything for this band, school, grades, college. I tried to do my best in school but I never had a boy come on this strong to me before, or affect my grades this badly before anyway.

 

I now lived in Jess' attic, which was somehow better than my old room, I obtained most of my posters again and most days I just stared out the window, which didn't have that great of a view considering a huge tree was in front of it. But it was a nice tree to look at, it was memorial tree to Jess' grandpa. She came up into my room and said we should spend the first day of spring break together and I gladly agreed. I picked something out to wear, not anything special but since it was getting hotter I wore something for the weather. Shorts, that were long enough to cover my scars from self harm, and a floral printed tank top with a cardigan and some sandals I hadn't worn in years but somehow still fit.

 

We went down to the boardwalk and I bought a slushie, we walked down to the beach and it was nice to be out in the heat, under the sun and feeling how nice everything was, the fresh air especially. I loved the sound of the seagulls and the waves crashing against the beach. Thats when I saw someone who I thought was Billie and I tried turning my focus elsewhere. This break was about me, not Billie, I vowed. Just then he came up to me and propped me up on the armrest of the boardwalk and I blushed behind my flowing hair that blew with the breeze. I covered my face with my hand because I was nervous and always had been self conscious about my smile.

 

I saw Mike walk up and wrap his arm around Jess and I figured out that they had planned this and they walked away, leaving Billie and I alone. He perched himself up next to me and placed his hand over mine, I felt like I was going to throw up because of how nervous I was. I couldn't believe this was finally happening, why now? It didn't matter. I know Billie and I had kissed and hugged before but I never knew if it meant anything to him.

 

He got down and offered me his hand and I took it, unknowing where he was taking us. 

 

* * *

 

 

*Billies POV*

 

I couldn't believe it, this new year had been going swimmingly and it was honestly just amazing. Everything about it, but most of all Serenity, everything about her amazed me and made me fall even more in love with her. Her hand was in mine and I was taking her to this meadow I had found, I was excited to show it to her. I hoped she'd love it. I could never thank her enough for everything she's done for me, she saved me, from everything.

 

Looking over and seeing her next to me, it was the best feeling ever. I wanted to have that feeling for the rest of my life. I wanted to grow old with her, have a bunch of pets, sit in rocking chairs with her while we argued over what to watch on TV. She was the best, just the greatest and nobody could ever compare. My father used to tell me, "Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss. But every once in awhile you find someone who's iridescent, and once you do, nothing will ever compare." That was one of the many quotes of his I took to heart, and I used it and applied it to my life. Well wouldn't he be glad to know I found that one. I wonder how proud of me he'd be, or if he would even be proud at all.

 

Serenity was sweating her makeup off and I was glad, I think she is beautiful with and without makeup. I didn't care what she wore, if she had acne or anything stupid like that. She was beautiful to me and always will be, her as a person, as a whole is all I need. She made everything that was bad about life go away. Its like she is the sun peaking through the clouds and just that one shed of light is enough hope for me to get through the day. 

 

Somehow the silence connected us in a way that words never could and when she looked at me, I knew everything would be okay. We had been walking for awhile and we finally arrived at the forest where the meadow was, I took her through it, carrying her so she wouldn't get any scratches from branches or vines or bug bites. Once we arrived I put her down and the look on her face became filled with life as she danced and skipped through the flowers, pulling me towards her and I joined in. We soon fell to the ground and we just stared at each other.

 

I ran my fingers through her hair and she laughed, she just laughed how could she sit there and laugh and look so beautiful? The only thing I knew was that when I fell for this girl, I had fallen hard and I wanted to make her mine. I just didn't know how. She curled up to me, arm slung across my chest and her head on my shoulder. God could this girl drive a man mad, this day kept getting better and better as we laid there under the sun, I kissed her forehead and she glanced up at me.

 

* * *

 

 

*Serenitys POV*

 

How could he just lay there looking as good as he did? How dare he? It was driving me mad and I soon sat up as he followed my movements, craning my hand onto the back of his neck and pulling his lips towards mine. I pushed him onto the ground and laid on top of him, giving him endless amounts of kisses. I don't think anything could ever compare to this moment. 

 

Staring up at him into his big green eyes made me feel the most amazing things I could ever feel in my life. I was truly infatuated with him, he took my breath away with everything he did, it was all perfect. He was perfect. I never knew what to say to him but I knew I didn't have to say much, besides his kisses took all my words away. I had never intended to fall this deeply in love with him, but it happened. The only thing I knew, or that I thought I knew, that I was afraid of was him. Knowing that him, that love had the power of corrupting me. To break me.

 

I think he was just a dream, that this was all unreal. It was all far beyond my expectations and limits and I knew it'd be unreasonable to grieve when it all came to an end. I knew, deep down, in the pit of my stomach this would be some sort of a quick fling. That I was just a replacement for him to get over Hazel, I wasn't okay with it but I just wanted to be the one for him and for now, I was. I was what he needed, at least thats how it felt. I don't know why I was doubting this, whatever this was but it didn't feel completely right. I just knew I had to enjoy it while it lasted.

 

But I knew, I was sure beyond any reasonable doubt that I wanted him, and him only. I wanted him forever and a lifetime with him would never be enough for me. He got up from under me and the absence made my stomach turn, he offered me his hand and I took it as he picked me up, bending over so I could get on his back. I smelled his hair and it smelled like freshly cut grass and flowers, I lost myself in it. Wrapping my legs around him as his hands touched my skin and the friction between his and mine drove me mad. 

 

He traveled through the forest back towards civilization and I swear we spent longer than I thought in there. He carried me like I was nothing and I felt his muscles and how big they had gotten from back in December when he started playing guitar to now and my eyes widened. His hands were always warm when he touched me and whenever they did it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. There were no words for the way he made me feel and maybe that is why we didn't talk much, we just knew. 

 

I think I eventually fell asleep on his back, I wasn't sure how but when he put me down we were at his house and it was getting dark out. He opened the door for me and I thanked him, smiling at him. We went into his house and he looked around to see if anyone was home, realizing nobody was and I think he got excited. I put on a Beatles record out of the collection in his room and it was the first time I'd been in there. It was messy but how else could you imagine a teenage boys room? He offered me his hand to dance and I accepted.

 

"Billie I'm extremely clumsy-" He shushed me and put my feet on his as he guided me through a dance while hearing 'When I'm Sixty-Four' play in the background. He spun me out and then brought me back towards him and I gasped, he was so light and good on his feet. I smiled at him, tears forming in my eyes and he wiped them away gently, placing my head on his shoulder as we rocked back and forth through his room.

 

I went through his vinyl collection and he had such a vast taste in music, it was never ending and each time I found something like the Zombies or Michael Jackson I gasped and then giggled to myself a bit. He had a wonderful taste in music, respected so many artists. I looked back towards him and he left the room to go into the kitchen. I followed him in there and he was doing the dishes. I watched him slowly scrubbing a plate and I laughed.

 

"Move over, the dishes are never going to get done if you do it that slow." He laughed and then turned the water on full blast, spraying me with it and I giggled and he picked me up over his shoulder, taking me into the bathroom and turning on the shower. I screamed at how cold it was and told him I surrendered. He slipped in the shower and pulled me down with him. I eventually turned it off and we fell asleep there, drenched in cold water. 

 

* * *

 

 

*Billies POV*

 

Morning broke and I stirred awake with Serenity asleep on top of me, looking down at her. I guess someone eventually found us because we had a blanket on us. Feeling her adjust herself on top of me, cuddling up against me and she was somehow warm, she was always warm and it was the greatest feeling. I thought about it, about us and all the days and nights we spent together and I realized all of the best nights of my life have happened and have been spent with her. 

 

Something had always thrown me off, it was different to see love in pictures and then to experience it. I don't think Serenity has any concept at all of how much I love her. How crazy she made me for her, I picked her up off of me and carried her into my bedroom, putting a sweater of mine and a blanket over her. I went into the kitchen and saw a note from my family I could as always care less about. I threw it away and started to make breakfast for her when she woke up. I didn't know what she liked.

 

I threw some bacon into a pan, some bread in the toaster and started to make eggs and pancakes. I felt her arms wrapped around me and her head on my back and I smiled at the feeling of her. She smelled of nature and was still wet so she once again made my shirt soaking so I ended up having to take it off. I sat her at the table and she excitedly bounced for breakfast.

 

"Sorry I uh- burnt the toast." I said disappointingly.

"Its okay!" She said and gave me a look of approval, "I don't like toast that much anyway, thank you though."

 

God did she look cute in my sweater, it was so big on her and she was so small. She played with the strings on it as she ate and fed me a couple bites of her egg. I smiled at her, at how cute she was and whenever she laughed, or I heard her laugh I couldn't help but do the same. Damn, what was this woman doing to me? I didn't feel like myself, I usually never cared this much about anyone or anything but when it came to her - it was all different. It was all new. She was something.

 

I stared into her blue eyes and got lost in them as she talked to me about a TV show she had seen yesterday. She never knew or will know just how long I've waited for her to come along into my life and give it meaning. She started talking about a dream she had the night before and asked what I had dreamed of. I told her I didn't, but if I could they'd be full of her because well, she was my dream. I knew that I indeed was the luckiest man on this planet.

 

For some reason nobody could ever top Serenity, nobody could take her away or replace her in my thoughts, in my heart or in my life. When I thought about a smile it was always her, when I heard a laugh it somehow was always her, and her voice took me away to some sort of a paradise. Even when I was extremely horny and had all those pictures of centerfolds around my room, she was the only one who came to mind when I took care of myself.

 

I infuriated myself for the longest time while I was with Hazel because I just couldn't seem to stay away from Serenity, she was meant for me, she was the one who put me in front of everyone and everything else and god, it couldn't get any better. Whenever she touched me it felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire, she was always cold yet somehow hot. Like she wanted to burn me in some manner. 

 

Getting up and sitting on my lap, cupping my cheeks and kissing me, I smothered her in kisses. Cheeks, nose, chin, forehead, lips, whatever my lips could touch. She was my own personal drug and nothing filled me up more. She was courageous, spontaneous and nobody could ever give me this feeling she had to offer. I got up off of the chair, putting her on the table and kissing her harder. I don't know what she did to me but damn did I enjoy it.

 

Whatever this was, whatever she was doing to me it felt good, every bit of it felt right, like we were meant to be here in this moment together, not only now but forever. Her hands tugged at my hair and her legs wrapped around my waist and all I could think about was how extraordinary she is. Her kisses were wet and sloppy and she bit at my bottom lip which made this moment all the more enjoyable.

 

I pulled away afraid I wouldn't be able to stop myself, I didn't want to rush things. She was worth it to take it slow and that is how I wanted to handle all of this, that is how I was going to go about it. Everything in my life, in our life as of right now was perfect and I wouldn't have it any other way. There was no doubt in my mind, no second thoughts, no regrets of any moment I have shared with Serenity because she, our relationship was meant to be. We were meant to find each other. I can't say or express that enough.

 

* * *

 

 

*Serenitys POV*

 

I wiped my mouth from the sloppy makeout session Billie and I just had, pulling myself off of the table and removing his sweater, handing it back to him.

 

"Please keep it." He said and came back up to me, wrapping it back around my shoulders as he leaned his forehead against mine. Pulling my chin so our lips would meet once again. Every time his lips touched mine shockwaves were sent throughout my entire body. I shook and it somehow just felt right. I heard a knock at the door and Billie pulled away telling me he'd be back soon.

 

I stood in the kitchen as I heard him talking to someone, coming out of the kitchen door I saw Mike with all his things.

 

"Mike?" I said.

"Yeah hey Serenity!" He shouted and I walked up to the two of them, crossing my arms along my chest. "Look man my parents are moving away and I don't want to go, please let me stay here." I looked at him with big eyes and a sad expression.

"Fine alright!" Billie said, "You can stay in the basement with me." Mike cheered and started bringing his stuff downstairs. Thats when Billie brought his attention back to me, wrapping his arms around me and laying his head on my shoulder. I leaned over and kissed his cheek. 

He retreated his head and gave me the most sincere look, placing his hands on my cheeks and pulling my face in for a kiss. It was long lasting and I never wanted this, this feeling of reassurance, of love, that everything was okay to end. I never wanted to be without him. He pulled away before I was ready for it to end and suddenly got so serious. "Serenity?" He said, in a questioning yet worried sounding tone.

"Yes?" I replied.

"I know I'm not perfect, I know I'm not much to look at, I know I have a lot of faults and things to work on, but I want you there by my side to work on them with me. Would you do me the honor in being my girlfriend?" My eyes widened and I felt my breathing hitch and I just nodded as tears started falling from my eyes.

"Y-yes Billie yes." I stuttered yet managed to get it all out and I wrapped my arms around his neck, he had the biggest grin on his face and started crying into my hair as he picked me up.

 

We went down into the basement to help Mike unpack now as a couple, and it made me ecstatic to just think about it, about him about the fact that he was now mine. All mine and I was all his and nobody else's and that was enough to get me through however long we would be together. I sat on his pull out bed and he sat next to me, kissing my neck and I felt him smile into it and Mike just looked at us. I couldn't stop giggling and Billie started tickling me to the point where I couldn't breathe.

 

Whatever this silly, crazy thing that they called love was I was enjoying it and I never wanted it to end.


	6. Chapter 6

*Serenitys POV*

 

Two years had gone by and we were all now 16 in high school, more stressed out than ever. All except for Billie, whom was getting even more and more serious about his band. The year was 1988 and Billie had written me more and more songs. I was sitting in my room attempting to read when I heard some sort of a knock on my window. I turned and saw Billie sitting in the tree outside of it, I was confused and half asleep when I opened the window and he climbed in. This was the first time he had done something like this.

 

Even in the dim light I could see just how unbelievably green his eyes were and boy did looking into them just take me away. Anytime I looked into them I remember the first time I saw them, that I saw him. I swallowed when he closed the space between us and pulled me onto my bed with him, wrapping my arms and legs around him, feeling his hairy legs but how warm he was, snuggling up against his chest. I gazed up at him in the darkness and sat up next to him.

 

"How was your day?" I asked him and he gleamed over at me, smiling pulling himself up next to me and kissing my hand. His kisses were always wet but they never stayed on me long enough.

"Perfect, like you." He said and ran his fingers through my newly dyed hair, I closed my eyes and smiled at him, hearing him continue, "How about yours?"

"Just like any other day I guess." I said and shrugged, he looked at me and grabbed my hand, tugging me towards the window. "Where are we going?" I asked, looking at him questioningly. 

"I have something I want to show you, its a surprise." He said, laughing as he came up to me and kissed me. I nodded and sneaked out with him, it was the first time I had done something like that. Tonight was full of first times and surprises.

 

I got on the back of his bike as he had his license but no car to drive, I felt the breeze flow through my hair and I felt alive. Billie was laughing as I clutched onto his shoulders harder when we went over bumps and I shook but this was somehow just blissful, ultimately enjoyable. Being with the cutest boy on the planet and going to somewhere he had obviously planned to take you to. It was almost as if nothing could hurt me, that everything was falling into place.

 

I struggled to find the words to name the feelings that he made flow through me but I knew I wasn't strong enough to hold them or the words in. I drowned in them and when I surfaced I was not the same person I had been. All I knew was that there was no point in forever without him by my side. I ran my fingers through his hair when we abruptly came to a stop.

 

Helping me off his bike and taking me over towards a cliff, I stared down at the waterfall and my jaw dropped. He came up to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my neck, shoulder and wherever he could plant his lips. I was wearing his same sweater he told me to keep from two years ago and his hands traveled along my body underneath it. I turned to him and his eyes were beautiful under the moonlight. He walked away, rolling a log for us to sit on over near the waterfall. 

 

I contemplated jumping into it for a long time before I started removing his jacket and he came up to me, clutching me from behind, picking me up and spinning me around. I laughed along with him and I think that, that simple sound that was so easy for him to make is what managed to get me through the day. Once he put me down I began taking off my shoes and he did as well, we ran towards the cliff and he had his hand in mine, jumping off towards the water. 

 

Falling was the easiest thing I think I had ever done. To just let go. I looked over at him falling next to me and once we hit the water he pulled me above it and smiled at me, chuckling. It was unreal, he was unreal, the feeling he gave me to challenge myself and do things I could never imagine myself doing was crazy. We swam to the shore, aka the beach and we rested there, attempting to catch our breath and he pulled himself on top of me, kissing me, kissing the words, the breath right out of me. We laid there under the moonlight for about half an hour just breathing and hearing him breathe was my favourite sound.

 

He put me onto his back and trugged back up the mountain side, it was a long, tiring journey and I was surprised it didn't knock the wind out of him. Once we arrived to where we were previously before jumping he sat me down on the long and retrieved our shoes and his jacket. I was all wet so I refused to put his jacket back on or my shoes and I picked them up, carrying them and he walked his bike back with us.

 

"Hey Serenity?" He looked over at me and we came to a stop.

"Yeah?" I answered, "What is it?" I continued.

"There's uh this place I want to take you on Saturday. Will you go with me?" He asked shyly, looking at me under his bushy eyebrows and slightly smiling.

 

I wrapped my arms around him and he dropped his bike, I kissed his cheek and its as if he knew that was a yes. He walked me the rest of the way home and hid his bike in the bushes, climbing back up the tree and into my room. Beginning to remove my wet clothes for me and discarding them as he gave me some dry ones and he found some of Jess' brothers. 

 

He once again pulled me onto the bed and I don't think either of us slept that night, we just stayed up sharing thoughts with each other, sharing glances and somehow still, after all these years when he looked at me it still made me weak in the fucking knees. I laid out on top of him and he just radiated warmth, he was just always the person who was comforting to hug, to feel, because he was always warm. No matter how cold he was or if he had just been in cold water he was always somehow warm.

 

Two hours passed and it was 5 am, the sun was rising and he stood in front of my window and as the sun gleamed through it he looked perfect. He always did but this was different, he was himself. He was Billie, it was as if I had seen him in a completely different way, I wasn't sure how but it was different and it made me flip. 

 

His lips were somehow always soft and when they touched mine it always made me remember the first time they had ever met. Pulling out a joint and a lighter along with it, lighting it and I looked at him with a sad look on my face. I hadn't smoked that in almost three years since the party. He glanced up at me and chuckled.

 

"What?" He questioned.

"I just-"

"Need to calm down, come on take a hit." He jokingly said and I could tell he was being sarcastic but I gave him a dirty look and snatched the joint from him, taking a long drag and holding it in until it filled my lungs. Exhaling soon and coughing only just a bit as he looked at me with wide eyes and a shocked expression on his face. "I didn't-"

"What? Think I'd do it? Give it to me." I took it from him again and took another hit and it was beginning to feel normal. He laughed at me when I started feeling strange and it felt as if I had no legs. Smoking the rest of it between us and sprawling out on the floor, I looked at him and I became extremely hungry and tired and now I remembered why I stopped smoking it. However it did help my anxiety.

 

I climbed onto his lap and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, kissing him hard and forcefully, running my fingers through his hair. He kissed back and picked me up, pressing me against the cold, hard wall, hands running up my thighs and pressing my wrists against the wall, pinning me down. I thought that this was finally it, the time I'd lose my virginity but thats when he just abruptly stopped.

 

"I just- I can't control myself around you." He started, licking his lips as he looked at me through the now sunny room.

"So don't." I said while somewhat chuckling, smirking at him. I went up to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling his lips down to mine, moving my lips down to his neck and I heard him suck air in through his teeth.

"Not tonight." He said, pulling me off of him and I nodded as he pulled me back onto the bed and I remembered our two year anniversary was on Saturday, what could he be planning? I couldn't take my mind off of it but eventually I fell asleep and he did as well. I could never remember a moment when his grip on me was too tight, or that his hands were too rough against me. I only ever remembered wanting to be held tighter and when he finally did it was the happiest feeling in the world. Feeling his chest rise was all I needed to be content.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billies POV*

 

Saturday quickly arrived and I was as nervous as ever, mainly because tonight was my first real show in front of an audience and even more so for the fact that Serenity was going to be there. I scratched the back of my head, bit my nails all of this out of nervousness, out of anxiety. Biting my lips and I had an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, I hated this fucking feeling. It was the worst.

 

I recalled Thursday night and how unbelievably beautiful Serenity was, yet how fucking seductive she was and every time I remembered her and the feeling that she gave me and everything I wanted her to do to me - or that I wanted to do to her I just -. I stopped myself and trained my thoughts elsewhere. I knew I couldn't focus on guitar playing if I was too busy thinking about fucking Serenity. But I just couldn't take my mind off of it, off of her.

 

Leaning against my wall as I imagined her lips, out of breath, cold, wet against my skin, biting at my collarbones and that only made it worse. I heard a knock on the door and immediately thought 'shit.' Hearing someone answer it and the person coming down the hall, knocking on my door.

 

"Just a minute!" I yelled as I slid down my wall onto the floor, running my hands through my hair out of nervousness.

"Billie? Its Serenity." I heard her say through the door and I picked myself off of the floor and opened the door just a tad, hiding behind it.

"Can I help you darling?" I said and she smelled my breath, guessing she could hint the smell of booze.

"Don't be silly just let me in." She was persistent and I was a wreck, but I opened the door and let her in. When she turned to me her eyes widened at the sight of me in my boxers, maybe it wasn't that. Maybe it was the massive hard on I had for her going on in them.

 

She filled the space between us as she walked up to me and I backed into the wall and she groped me through the fabric and I leaned my head back, biting my lip and slamming my eyes shut. She bit her lip and chuckled to herself as she grabbed me harder and I lost it, I fucking lost it. Just like how I didn't want to two nights ago.

 

Starting to remove her clothes in a hurry as she just pulled me onto the bed and I started to tear at her tank top, throwing it onto the floor. I started undoing her belt and she worked at the button on her pants, breaking it off and she pulled them off faster than I ever could. Stripping from her strapless bra and thong as I got condoms from my bedside table. Putting it on as I threw her onto the bed, spreading her legs and wrapping them around my waist.

 

"You don't know how long I've waited for this." She said and thats what really threw me over the edge, what made me absolutely lose it. God she was so beautiful, she was so unbelievably, immensely perfect and I was lucky, I didn't deserve her. She clawed at my back, sweaty and sucking air in, biting at my neck, my shoulders, and leaving hickies anywhere she could. Fuck was she hot, so undeniably sexy and everything I had dreamed about. I hadn't known if this was her first time but I didn't want to hurt her but she kept telling me to go faster and harder.

 

My skin rubbed up against hers and the friction, the sweat between us increased. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head, nails clawed at me or the sheets which she ruined by tearing them. Toes curled and we took our time because there was no use in rushing it. I wanted it to be perfect for her, and if she wanted it even more the next time then she'd have it, but for now what she was getting was love making.

 

She gasped and I couldn't tell if I was hurting her or if she had came. I kissed down her body and stopped at her hips, I could tell what she wanted me to do next. I kissed down her thighs and next thing I knew was my face was between them. She jerked her body in all the right ways, and clawed at my shoulders, moaning and swearing and only being able to say my name. I glanced up at her and she had her lip between her teeth and her eyes shut tight, she gave in and kept pulling at my hair or my shoulders, leaving scratches.

 

Once it was over I laid beside her, tired, out of breath and drinking water. She looked over at me with the most innocent expression and how could she after we did that. I slowly closed the space between us, kissing her and she took my hand, placing it between her thighs. I started with one, then two and somehow managed a third. She moaned into my ear, the hot air of her breath hitting my neck and I threw my head back. Its like she knew how crazy she made me as she pinned me down, climbing on top of me and began to ride me.

 

This girl, who I was sure was a virgin was a goddamn professional. She knew all the right things to do and it drove me mad. I was supposed to be the one taking her away, not me. It was her first time, it was supposed to be special and if it wasn't I wouldn't have made it memorable. She made me moan out, groaning and letting her name mixed with swears out into the air as if it were a chant. Its as if she knew how to control me, how to push my buttons and she was doing it all. 

 

She laid beside me, out of breath and I kissed her forehead, we laid there for awhile, sweaty, naked and sticky. She pulled me towards the bathroom and I grabbed a towel quickly. I kissed her as we stepped into the shower, turning on the water and I began grabbing her everywhere, pushing her against the back wall and she started biting at my collarbones again.

 

Beginning to lather her body in soap as she did mine and I looked her over, hypnotized by her beauty. She ran her soapy fingers through my hair as if to wash it, and I pulled hers and I was shocked that it made her moan. I raised my eyebrows and realized how submissive she was. But also remembered how I would love her to be dominant. 

 

For now I focused on washing her, praising her, honoring her in every way I found possible. She looked at me with hope in her eyes and as we stepped out of the shower I wrapped her in the towel and got her clothes for her and she just stared at me.

 

"Why do you treat me so well?" She asked and I looked for words good enough to conjure up a response.

"I love you, Serenity and I always will." I managed to get out. "Um h-how was it? It wasn't um disappointing was it?" I shyly asked and she looked at me with a reassuring expression.

"It was probably the best feeling I'd ever gotten in my entire life. It took me by surprise, I hadn't expected to come over today to find that." She chuckled and I did as well, redressing her as she went to my room and got some clothes for me. I requested something that wouldn't make me too hot and she got the perfect things.

"Hey, hurry up and get dressed, I have a surprise for you." She came into the bathroom saying, tossing my clothes at me and closing the door. I pulled my shorts on and she came up to me, zipping them for me and I stared down at her, eyebrows raised and lip between my teeth. She pulled me by the back of my head to bring my lips to hers. I hope she wasn't sore but then again, I also did.

 

She brought me outside to the front of my house with a blindfold on and took it off once we stopped. My eyes widened at the sight and I don't think I could keep my mouth closed.

 

* * *

 

 

*Serenitys POV*

 

Billie just stared at the car I had gotten him, I smiled and he went up to it, inspecting it. I gnawed on my lip out of nervousness he wouldn't like it. He just kept looking back at me and I couldn't tell if it was in anger or happiness or maybe shock.

 

"Serenity, are you crazy?" He said as he stared at me.

"What?"

"Do you have any ideas how much these cost? This is a-"

"A Chevrolet Corvette? Indeed." I saw my dad come out from behind the car and walk up to Billie, smiling at him. Billie raised his eyebrows at him and looked back at me, running up to me and squeezing me, picking me up off of the ground and kissing me. He walked back over to my dad and shook his hand, introducing himself.

"Mr.Powell sir I- I can't thank you enough y'know I've always wanted one of these this was like my top dream car other than a-"

"Let me guess? A Ferrari?" I watched his eyes widened as he nodded and my dad laughed. "Well I just want you to keep making my daughter happy, thats all I ask. I know I let her down a long time ago and I'd hate to do that again. Plus you seem like a respectful young man other than uh- the piercings and hair."

"Dad!" I said as I walked up next to Billie, wrapping my arm around his.

"Okay okay," My dad began, "You two kids have fun and Billie? Take good care of her, she's all yours." He handed the keys to Billie, and gave me a hug and a kiss and I thanked him and he walked back to his car, driving away.

"Serenity I-"

"Shut up and get in." I said and ran around the side of the car, opening my door for me. How fucking adorable could he get. He returned to the other side of the car and got in, starting it and I looked over at him, grinning and seeing how happy he was - how happy I had made him. I couldn't believe that this happiness was because of me. 

 

Pulling out of his driveway as he drove to wherever it was he was taking me and he begged me to put on a blindfold. The car was new off the lot - beige interior and silver on the outside. I remember Billie telling me how badly he wanted a silver car and here he was driving exactly that, better yet, the car he wanted and had begged his mum for for months. He put his hand in mine anytime we were at a stoplight or sign and he always smiled at me, making sure I was okay.

 

Finally putting on a blindfold as I for some reason wasn't allowed to know where he was taking us but he said Jess, Mike and Tré would all be there. I was excited to find out what it was and as he took my hand in his, I could feel we were close. Some sort of feeling washed over me - something strange and I was tingling all over. I felt it was special, that he thought I was somehow special. I didn't know what he saw in me, I couldn't see it, whatever it was, whatever it may be. Maybe he felt the same way towards himself, I hadn't known.

 

I felt us come to a stop and he turned the car off and got out, slamming his door closed, coming around and opening mine. Taking my hand and helping me out of his car, removing my blindfold and I realized it was now dark. He led me towards a graffiti filled building where I heard loud music emitting from, stopping in front of the entrance. Kissing me before taking me in and he left me in the crowd, going off in the back somewhere. I got worried and tried standing off to the side from all the violent people but eventually decided to join in, jumping along with the music. Moving along with the beat, banging my head and getting deeper into the crowd when I saw a mosh pit and I got overexcited. 

 

Overestimating myself I joined in and I enjoyed it to my surprise. I didn't know who this band was or why Billie had brought me here but I kept looking back for him.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billies POV*

 

It was Serenity and I's two year anniversary and this was the biggest moment of my life, I was going to propose. I know we weren't of legal age yet but - it was worth the wait. She was worth everything. I had been planning this moment for two months and was lucky enough to get a show on our date so I was able to propose to her onstage. Thanks to my manager. I was nervous in the back, prepping myself as Mike and Tré just stared at me, giving me calming and reassuring looks. I nodded at them and took a deep breath.

 

Hearing the other band end I got ready, putting my guitar on and I watched Mike do the same, Tré grabbing his drumsticks. I drenched myself in water and took a couple more deep breaths, trying to prepare myself for what was to come. I looked at the ring and I had hoped she loved it, I put it back into the case and returned it to my pocket for safe keeping. When they called us out onstage I hurried onto the stage and I looked around for Serenity who was making her way towards the front.

 

"Okay um, hello everybody, we're Green Day." I started, stumbling on my words before I continued, "This is Mike, our bassist, Tré our drummer, and I'm Billie, our guitarist and vocalist. Thank you for coming out to our first gig, it sure as hell means a lot. Now, this first song goes out to my loving girlfriend, Serenity whom is in the crowd. Get up here, Serenity." I watched a shocked look wash over her face as she pushed through the crowd and attempting to get on stage. Once she was up beside me I got a stool for her to sit on, pulling her towards me and kissing her cheek.

"Lets hear it for Serenity!" Mike screamed into the microphone and the crowd began whooping, hollering, cheering, clapping and whistling. 

 

I began playing yet another song I had written for Serenity, I called 'Don't Leave Me,' and as she watched me sing she smiled, maybe even began crying. I was sweating under the lights, the playing and what I had decided to wear. I glanced over her every once in awhile but I mostly had to pay attention to the notes I was playing as I sometimes had guitar solos. All she did was cover her face, smiling at me and giving me this expression of something proud washing over her. 

 

Once the song was over I walked towards her on the stage and she took my guitar, Big Blue, which she had gotten for me, off of me and slung her arms and legs around me. I laughed and she whispered into my ear that I 'looked incredibly hot while playing' and at that remark I chuckled to myself.

 

I sat her back down, knowing she'd just stand back up once I asked her. I got down on one knee, pulling out the ring and I held the microphone in her hand, telling her to hold it to my mouth.

 

"Serenity Maureen Powell, I know I'm not much to look at, I know I'm far from perfection, I know you could do far better. I know we have to wait two more years but fuck are you worth it, I'd wait a goddamn lifetime if it meant I was to be with you. I don't have much to offer but I do have a lot of love to share, and if that is enough for you then its always going to be enough for me. Will you marry me?" I managed to say it all without choking or stumbling on my words.

 

She covered her mouth immediately and looked at me through tear filled eyes, "Well don't leave me hanging." I said, chuckling and the crowd tried to egg her on to say something.

 

"Y-yes, yes Billie Joe Armstrong, I will marry you, I-I do." She fucking answered and goddamn the answer was yes. I got this feeling that washed over me, it was infatuation mixed with relief. I picked her up and spun her around, laughing into her chest and I think then, is when I was the most happiest man in this world. She was now, officially, Serenity Maureen Armstrong, and that was the best thought that ever had crossed my mind.


	7. Chapter 7

*Serenity's POV*

 

The morning after our anniversary came and I was mad at myself for not getting Billie something better, something more. If I had known it was going to be our first time I would have done it better. I didn't know how to exactly so I asked Jess for help. Crawling out of his arms and his bed I went to the phone as quiet as possible, dialing fast and once I heard her pick up I sighed of relief.

 

"Jess I-"

"Its soo early Serenity, what is it?"

"I need your help - I know this is a lot to ask but Billie and I we-"

"We're you safe!?" I heard her ask in a worried tone.

"Yes yes of course okay, but look we did it and I wanted it to be a little more I dunno, special. I know it was for him, it was for me too but I wanted it to be like-"

"Kinky?" She interrupted again.

 

I glanced over to him passed out on the bed in his boxers and just staring at him laid out like that made me want to take him then and there. Biting my lip before I remembered I was on the phone.

 

Responding late I said, "Yes that exactly."

"Well you have to explore, find out what he's into."

"I know he likes when I'm dominant, but I know he likes being dominant as well."

"Okay well how about this, we'll go somewhere, get you some lingerie and whatever else you'd like to experiment with. Whips, gags, handcuffs, whatever."

"Really!? Thank you so much Jess. How can I repay you?"

"Help me pick something out for Mike, he says pink and white are my colours."

"Haha, you got it."

 

Beginning to get ready as I was waiting around for Jess, I left a note. I decided to make this into a game, something for him to enjoy. Like a scavenger hunt. I knew he wouldn't be up for hours and by the time he finally got to my house I'd be ready. I left a note in his room on his dresser, another on the fridge, one on the milk carton. I ran outside once Jess got here and put one on his car, jumping into hers and feeling the breeze through my hair was one of the best things ever.

 

We went to the mall first and went straight towards the lingerie shop, I immediately went towards the blue ones, raising my eyebrows at the dark blue but also wanting some of the light blue ones. Watching Jess as she picked out some baby pink ones, I picked out one I thought was sexy - it was lacy on the bra area and was see through, it was like a dress. I knew I wanted thigh highs to match, so I picked some of those out, or maybe a garter belt as well.

 

Rushing into a dressing room as Jess followed and we helped each other, she laced me up and I her. I noticed that it was a push up bra and I gleamed at myself in the mirror excitedly. I liked myself in it, I felt pretty. Slipping into the thigh highs, I had no idea how to do any of this. I was young and naive but I wanted to please him, I wanted to make myself memorable to him. I also wanted to hear him moan, make him beg.

 

The thoughts poured out of me as I unlaced it and put it all back together, the panties, the dress, the thigh highs and I tried to get dressed as fast as I could. We raced towards the checkout and she pulled out some cash she had gotten for her birthday. Once we left the shop we ran into Tré and we yelled for him, he turned and ran towards us.

 

"Tré you have to help us!"

"Yeah what is it?" He asked.

"Is your sister here?" I looked at him with a concerned look.

"Yeah she's right there." He said, pointing behind him.

"Okay good get in your car and follow us." I pleaded.

"Where are we going?" He asked and shrugged.

"We'll give you money just come on." I managed to choke out.

"Okay!" He let out excitedly, running to get his sister and they met up with us. We got into our car and found them in the parking lot.

 

The journey was long and I was tired but I knew I needed this. I needed something better to offer him. Tré and his sister followed closely behind as we lead them towards a sex shop Jess had heard of. I asked her how she knew and she said her parents had bought some from it. I looked at her with a shocked expression and she looked at me as if she was saying 'is that surprising?' It was if you knew her parents.

 

I turned the radio on and heard Aerosmith playing, I turned it up loud as we sped down the freeway and all I could imagine, in fact this had been going through my mind since last night. Unable to turn away from thoughts of things I just wanted to do to Billie, it was all too much. We pulled into the sex shop parking lot and Jess looked at me as if I was unsure if I wanted to do this. I nodded at her and we unbuckled our seat-belts, getting out of the car and slamming the doors.

 

Tré and his sister walked up to us from their car and looked at us with shocked faces. "I- you want me to go in there?" Lori asked.

"Yeah look we'll pay you we just - come on please. Its an anniversary present for Billie and I really wanted to-" I was almost on the verge of tears when she crossed her arms along her chest and looked like she was going to give in.

"Alright fine, what am I getting?"

"Two pairs of handcuffs, two whips and two gags. Please?" I looked at her in the sweetest manner capable.

"Fine, but when the time comes you two owe me."

"How about we just give you a little extra money?"

"Deal." She smiled and shook our hands as she took the money and we went into the shop with her to help pick out items.

 

Jess got fluffy pink handcuffs and I got some regular silver ones, two gags and two whips as well. I looked around at all the other stuff they had but none of it peaked my interest. I watched Lori check out and she gave us our bags, I thanked her and she left, getting into her car with Tré and we returned to ours as well.

 

"So whats your plan for getting him over here without him knowing what you have in mind?" Jess asked as she started the engine.

"I put a bunch of signs around his house and I'm going to put more throughout our neighborhood and maybe his. Will you help me?"

"Hey that's pretty good - like a scavenger hunt. Sure I'll help, sounds like a fun adventure." I smiled at her and thanked her for all her help, as I looked into my two bags and smiled at the thought of when Billie would come over. It was going to be perfect and I couldn't wait. I leaned back in the passenger seat and smiled at the thought.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billies POV*

 

I stirred from my slumber and noticed Serenity was gone but there was a note left on my dresser. I rubbed my eyes with the palm of my hand and read it, it said something about my fridge. I swung my door open, walking down the breezy hallway and into the kitchen as I lazily, half asleep stared at the one on the door of the fridge. It said something about milk so I proceeded to open the door and got the one she'd left on the milk.

 

They were all filled with riddles, this one was either in or on my car, so I got dressed and ran my fingers through my hair. Boy, was this girl full of mysteries and better yet surprises. I got the one attached to my car door and it said something about the entrance of my neighborhood. Getting into my car and starting it, hearing the engine roar as I still had yet to be fully awake I pulled out of the drive way and sped down the street. Left on Elmer and right on Oak and there I saw a note stapled to a stop sign.

 

Exiting my car to get out and read it and this one said something about the neighborhood entrance sign, so I pulled the one on the sign down and went over to the one that indicated the name of our neighborhood. Telling me to cross the intersection and drive to Jess' house. I sighed and raised my eyebrows, shaking my head as I ran back over to my car, sweaty in the blazing heat. I excitedly entered her neighborhood, just wanting to solve this puzzle.

 

Making the first right like I'd always done and getting out of my car, locking it. I stared up at the house and there was another note on the mailbox, I pulled it off and read it as it had stated that my surprise was inside. I walked up the driveway and entered the house, calling for Serenity. I saw a note attached to a door in the hallway and I picked it off of the door, reading it over and over as all it had said was open for your surprise.

 

Opening the squeaky door as I walked down the steps of her basement, glancing around and noticing her in the slightly dark room. I swallowed as she walked over to me, whip in one hand, handcuffs and gag in the other. I raised my eyebrows as she finally got close enough for me to reach out to touch her. She started tearing off my jacket and shirt, and this was a side of her I liked. I grunted at the feeling of her being forceful but damn was it nice.

 

She undid my belt and gave me this look as though now she had two whips, pushing me back into the wall and I felt myself rub against the fabric of my boxers. Watching her as she bit her lip and started undoing my pants, soon I was back to what I was wearing this morning and she pulled me off of the wall, slamming me into a chair. Clawing at my shoulders as she put my arms behind it and handcuffed me.

 

Feeling her whip my head back to look at her, "You're mine," is all she whispered to me and I felt her bite my neck, surely leaving hickeys that would hurt ten times worse later. Coming back into my view as she wrapped a gag around my mouth and closed it, and fuck - this was all making me harder and harder by the minute. Seeing her in that lingerie, did she have that before? Her being in control - fuck man was it hot.

 

She groped the whip and gave me such an innocent yet devious look and goddamn was it sexy. She whipped my torso and I screamed beneath the gag and began chuckling excitedly. I raised my eyebrows at her and began begging for more. She smacked me more and more, eventually I was covered in marks that would possibly scar. The feeling of the whip hitting me was possibly the best part of that day - but it only got better from there. 

 

Throwing the whip on the ground as she came up to me, sitting on my lap and I felt the fabric of her thigh highs rub against mine. She choked me, leaning my head back and just fucking choking me, biting, sucking at my neck and collarbones. I knew I was going to be in so much pain after this but fuck it was worth it. All of it. I chuckled at the pain that was still going throughout my whole body from the biting - the whipping and how tight the handcuffs were. 

 

Turning my attention back towards her face as our eyes met and she began not only kissing but biting down my body. I hadn't known she wanted it this fucking badly. I adjusted my hips so she could remove my boxers and fuck she made the perfect mistress. Her lips wrapped around the tip of my dick and I gasped, breathing hitched as she somehow - someway took me deep in her mouth. I moaned out as loud as I ever thought possible and I was sweaty as she looked up at me and I felt myself come.

 

Watching her walk over towards the fridge and she got out a bottle of water and all I could think was that I got a fucking swallower, how lucky was I? She began to walk back over to me and I surprised her by managing to get out of the handcuffs, taking off the gag, putting on a condom and rushing over to her, sliding her panties off and picking her up, pressing her against the wall which knocked the wind out of her. I slammed into her as I heard her let out the loudest moan I'd ever heard. She bit my neck hard as fuck and clawed at my back, fuck this was unfair. She made this - everything about this so goddamn unfair.

 

Hearing my name come out of her mouth as if it were a swear word and I clasped my hand around her neck, pressing it back into the wall and she sucked air in through her teeth, unable to breathe and I began to get harder and faster. The heat between us increased as she kept scratching me and I carried her over to the couch they had downstairs.

 

Grinding into her as she bit her lip felt her nails dig deeper into my back, letting out a moan into the air as she did the same. Fuck she was so good at this - at all of this. She was a natural and it was all too pleasing. I felt her come and I soon did afterwards. I praised every part of her body as she stared at me with a grateful look in her eyes - kissing me as we cuddled. She wrapped her arms around me and I slid my hands up and down her side as she got hers caught in my hair.

 

She bit her lip and just stared at me with those big blue eyes and I smiled at her as she chuckled. Its as if our eyes said everything that we couldn't and she loved it, she could never get enough of it. We fell asleep there, tired, out of breath and sticky. Goddamn when Serenity wanted to get her point across she did the job, she didn't wait around. This was probably going down in my memory as the best day of my life. 

 

"I love you, Serenity Armstrong."

"I love you too, Billie Joe Armstrong." She muttered out, lazily kissing my cheek. I rubbed her back and played with her hair as I glanced down at her and noticed she was asleep and I soon drifted off as well.


	8. Chapter 8

*Serenity's POV*

 

It was June and the sun was beating down on me hot and heavy, I pulled up to school with Jess as we got out of her car into the scorching heat. Pulling my bag onto my shoulder and as always I watched Billie pull up into the same spot he always parked in. Gleaming at him as he got out of his car and always, somehow always looked good. Never looked too sad, too excited or ready for the day he never looked sweaty in the heat but somehow still managed to always wear dark colours. 

 

Coming towards us as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and kissed me, soon retreating his arm to instead place his hand in mine. He somehow looked distraught but I thought nothing of it. Opening the front doors of the school for me as we climbed the stairs together, our daily routine as he always walked me to my locker and then when I had finished we walked to his. We hardly had any classes together so we gave each other notes when we could. Some were poetic and heartfelt and long, well thought out, others were sexual as he told me how good I looked in what I was wearing or he was fantasizing about what I had gotten him for our anniversary or how badly he wants to relive that night. Some are short and simple but still so sweet and I knew that they all meant the world to me so I always kept them.

 

My locker was overflowing with them but I didn't mind I knew I'd eventually stuff them all in my bag and take them home. I shut my locker and grabbed his hand as he lead me down the hallway towards his locker and surrounded me, pressing me up against it. Kissing me with such force but it was also as if it was filled with a neediness, some sort of desire that held him to me.

 

When he broke the kiss I got sad and he said, "Serenity, I - we need to talk."

"About what?" I asked, hearing his voice sound discouraging.

"We're going on tour."

I paused for a long moment as the realization washed over me, knowing he was going to be far away from me. "Oh I uh- where to? For how long?"

"North and north east, maybe a bit south, I don't know yet. But - we'll be gone for five months."

"Five?" I looked at him sadly, knowing we couldn't spend any of summer together. "But what am I going to do for summer?"

"I don't - I don't know." He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Hey - hey baby its okay," I said, looking at him sincerely. "I'll always wait for you, always be by your side. Remember? i'm Mrs.Armstrong."

"Not officially, you still have time to end this, all of this with a loser like me. God, you deserve so much better. Fuck I'm sorry I disappoint you and let you down."

"What? Billie," I started as I cupped his cheeks in my hands and continued, "You don't do any of that, I'm so proud of you for everything you do, EVERYTHING. No matter what I will stick by your side to support you through the good times and bad. Whether it be a friend or family member dying or addiction, I will always fucking be here for you and I will most certainly always fucking love you." I finished, bringing my lips to his and he kissed me as if he knew I meant it, which I did.

 

He looked at me with a smile on his face as if he had been reassured and I smiled back at him, he placed a note in my hand and told me to meet him between classes and I agreed. Walking me to class as we stopped outside the classroom door as we did every morning and he kissed me, over and over again. Hand clutching mine tightly as he clasped the other on my hip and pulled me close. I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer, sucking all of him in. He was unreal and I still felt like it was when we first met.

 

Fuck he had me in every way possible, it was unbelievable how wrapped around his finger he had me, I wanted him now and forever. That's something I was sure of. Once the teacher finally came out and told us to break it up he walked off to class, waving me goodbye and I sighed, slumping into class. I finally got to read Billie's note. 

 

"In a nook in the crook of my elbow up to where the arms go to stop being arms start being chest away from harm is where you'll rest guarded by ribs." I let out a sigh and daydreamed about Billie and how fucking unbelievably adorable he was. He had long beautiful hair now, still the same god forsaken nose piercing that he always somehow, miraculously got caught on his fucking guitar. God was he adorable and it was unfair, he just had this way - something about him. I never knew words could be this heavy.

 

I tried focusing all of class but only looked at the clock, itching to get out of my seat and when it was about halfway through I asked to go to the bathroom and the teacher accepted, giving me a pass. I exited the room and looked around for Billie, glancing over to see him waving me over from around a corner. Excitedly walking towards him and he clutched my arm, slamming me into the lockers.

 

"Fuck you've had me going crazy all class," He moaned out, kissing my neck and I could hardly catch my breath before all this had happened. My eyes rolled into the back of my head and I felt his lips press against my collarbones as he picked me up and I wrapped my arms and legs around him, biting his lip and kissing him hard when suddenly a teacher saw us walking into the closet and yelled "Hey!" at us.

 

Quickly we closed the door and locked it as he banged at the door and I clutched onto Billie out of fear, he held me tight and looked around for something, some sort of a distraction or way out of here. He saw a vent and told me to climb through that, finding the exit and taking something loud enough to make a distraction so he could get out of there. I stepped onto his palms and he pushed me up into the tight space and I swallowed, looking down at him and not letting go of his hand.

 

"We'll meet at the gym exit of the school, got it? Thats the plan okay? Cause a distraction so I can get the fuck out of here and you run, you run as fast as you can and don't stop until you're safe baby." 

"I love you, husband." We kissed and he clutched my arms, his kisses were always so wet and hard. 

"I love you as well, wife. I'll see you on the other side." He winked at me and handed me the vent cover, and I replaced it, beginning to crawl through the small space, wiggling back and forth. I began to get sweaty and tried with all of my might to get through this, noticing an exit and I hurriedly made my way for it. Kicking the opening off and falling through as I landed in a classroom, looking around at everyone and chuckling, rushing towards the exit and rushing down the hallway and finding the teacher who was still sitting at the door and banging on it. 

 

Running up to him and kicking him in the shin before immediately running in the other direction I had came from, the other teachers who classroom I fell in had come out to help the other and I mumbled 'shit,' to myself. Picking up the pace as I immediately made a right turn and then a sharp left, opening the door to the band room and hiding within all the instruments.

 

My thoughts kept retreating back to Billie and wondering if he was okay - or if he had got caught. I sighed and when I saw someone walk in I hid under the risers, holding my breath. Hearing the door close I figured it was safe to come out, so I did and I peeked through the window in the door and saw nobody. I went across the hall to the cafeteria and rushed through it to the gym. I saw Billie under the bleachers and he gestured me over.

 

There he was again, walking towards me and all the while doing so he looked so fucking perfect. We walked towards the exit and just left, I had never cut class other than when I first met Billie. He was such a rush - an unreal rush who brought so much adrenaline to my life, made me feel like I could do just about anything. It started raining as we walked to Billie's car and he stopped me just before getting into it.

 

Wrapping his arms around me he kissed me, he just fucking kissed me in the rain. It wasn't a special kiss - it was just any old regular kiss but when our lips touched everything about it made me want to just lose it. The fireworks, the sparks, everything was there and its as if he was kissing me for the first time all over again. Pulling me against the side of his car he began to roughly kiss me again, feeling rain drops drip down the side of my face as I felt him grind into me and I slammed my head back, sucking air in.

 

Stopping himself he opened my door for me and leaned over, kissing me again then returning to the other side of the car to get in. I stared at him all the way to his house, how beautiful he was even in the cloudy, rainy weather, something about him drove me mad and I could never put my finger on it. Even after being with him for two years I still had yet to put my finger on what about him just wrapped me around him and made me so infatuated with him. Was it his looks? His voice? His image? I didn't know what it was, maybe it was all of it - the smug charm, the hair he seemed to care so little for, the way he dressed, his attitude. Then it hit me, he did indeed have it all.

 

Arriving at his house as he came around to my side of the car again, opening my door for me and I smiled at him, clasping my hands on his cheeks and kissing him. Realization that I had pretty much never met any of his family members besides his brother and I got a little offended, stopping him as his hand left my hip and I grasped his wrist.

 

"Hey-"

"What is it?" He looked down at me.

"Who's car is that?" I asked as I pointed at a red Ford.

"Uh - that's nobodies, why do you ask?"

"Its just I - I've never met anyone in your family." I swallowed and looked back up at him.

"Well all my siblings are grown now and don't visit often - got families of their own. Either that or at college." He smirked and laughed, "Not like I'd want to see any of them anyway."

"Why?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Well I want to know." I was persistent, his family were just all shadows to me. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me inside, shutting the door and rushing into his basement and left me standing there. I looked around awkwardly as I pretended to itch my other arm, swallowing as I watched him mess up his room even more than it already was - searching for something. That's when I saw it in his hand, a photo album.

"I don't like talking about my family, I don't like introducing people to them, never have. Don't take it personally." He said as he walked over to his couch and motioned me to come sit down. I obliged and cuddled up next to him as he wrapped an arm around me. "Okay that there, - that's my dad." I got a close look and could tell where Billie got his looks from, he was very handsome. 

Watching him point to another boy in the photo and continuing, "That? That's Alan, my oldest brother. He liked baseball a lot but now he has a wife I think and like two or three kids, I don't fucking remember." Watching his fingers move to a young girl in the photo, "And her? That's Anna, she's a total bitch and always has been and probably always will be. See, I don't like talking about them because they all treated me like a fucking baby and if they were here they still would, heh."

He drew his finger over to another young boy in the photo, "Thats uh David, I never liked him. He was an alcoholic who was abusive to his girlfriend, I hope that bitch left him. She was too good for him." Finger crossing the photograph to another girl, "That right there is Hollie, so ya know I'm not the only one in the family with a fucking 'ie' name."

"Hey I like your 'ie'!" I retorted and he smirked, "I'm serious! It suits you more." He shook his head and continued, pointing his attention back to the photographs.

"Her? That's Marci, I fucking hate her the most and I always will."

"What did she do?" I asked, looking at him.

"Oh nothing to me she's just naturally a bitch - completely unappealing to be around." He almost closed the book before I stopped him and pointed to another woman in the photo.

"And who's that?"

"That's uh - that is my mother."

"Why haven't I met her."

"Yeah why hasn't she?" I heard someone say and I turned my head to see her standing at the bottom of the steps. I got up off of the couch and Billie was anxious, telling me not to. I went over to her, shaking her hand and she smiled at me with a cigarette in the other. 

"Hi I'm Serenity." I said and she was a cute old lady who had dead yellow scraggly teeth. I smirked and she seemed sweet for the most part.

"I'm Ollie, so you're the little slut who's been fucking my baby boy?"

"Mom!" Billie stood up, shouting and moved over to me, I crossed my arms along my chest and scoffed.

"What? Just sayin the truth."

"You know what? Fuck you mom, honestly just fuck you."

"Oh don't have another one of these outbursts Billie!"

"Oh my god you think I'm having an outburst you practically fucking insult everyone I've ever had in my life, Mike, Tré, everybody."

"Hey whatever happened to that Hazel girl? I liked her." My stomach still turned at that name.

"You want to know what happened mom? You really want to know? She fucking cheated on me, so you wanna go and call Serenity a slut when you liked Hazel? Are you fucking kidding me? Look at this girl, fucking look at her-" He stopped and came over to me, grasping my hand and then continuing, "Do you fucking see her? She's beautiful, she is the epitome of perfection - she fucking makes me lose my marbles, go head over fucking heels for her. I don't know why or how but isn't that all you wanted for me? Is to be happy? Well fuck I was depressed because I lost dad but you hadn't known since you fucking neglected me and never paid any goddamn attention to me! Look at this girl, she's the definition of happiness, she is the one that makes me happy - not you. That's why I've been so fucking happy these past two years. So you go ahead and say what you want about Serenity but fuck - she's the only one who understands me. She's the only one who gives a fuck, you were never there for me mom, NEVER. And now? Now its too late. So whatever you have to say, go fuck yourself. Here wait I got something for you-" He stopped, going over and rummaging through a box and pulled out a dildo and I laughed into my hand as he hit her in the gut with it.

"Gift from me to you, have fun being lonely bitch cause all your kids you fucked up mentally."

"Now you stop right there-" She said, still catching her breath.

"Stop what? Spitting out the truth? That you fucking drove Hollie and Anna away because they're lesbians? You fucking despised them for that reason and for what? Hating them isn't going to make them straight mom, get that through your thick fucking skull! Hey didn't know if you knew this or not but your youngest son, aka me, is fucking bisexual! So thanks for all the fucking support mom, next time you see me I'll be so far up another mans ass." He said, grabbing my hand and beginning to climb the stairs, spitting in her direction and racing up the stairs, walking out the front door, slamming it.

 

It was still raining and I just watched Billie practically go on a rampage, still wet from the rain and now sweaty and I went over to him, grabbing him by his collar and pulling his lips to mine. Wet, sloppy kisses replaced the air and he pushed me onto the side of his house, moving his lips down to my neck and I pulled at his hair. Looking at me for consent and I nodded, he slipped his hand into my pants and I clutched the back of his shirt, slamming my head into his house.

 

Hearing the door open I looked over and felt his fingers go deeper and I moaned louder as he started going faster and faster. I turned my head to see who was at the door and opened my eyes only slightly to see it was his mom. My eyes rolled into the back of my head and I felt myself come and he bit his lip as I moaned his name. When he removed his hand I pulled myself together and we went back inside, immediately going downstairs and I watched Billie as he began packing his shit, I helped him.

 

"Billie - where do you plan on going?" I asked.

"No fucking idea, not here, anywhere but here would be fine." He sighed and packed all his clothes into a bag, getting a huge wad of cash he'd been making from shows and selling half of joints. "Come with me." He said, grabbing my hand and he took all his shit, throwing it into his car and his mom was on the front porch, watching him do all this, not even bothering to stop him. Opening my door and slamming it as he went around to his side, starting it and pulling out of the driveway, driving off fast in absolute anger.

 

* * *

 

*Billies POV*

 

Staring out the windshield of my car with a stern look on my face as Serenity placed her hand in mine, leaning over and giving me kiss after kiss. I pulled in somewhere and leaned over, kissing her as hard as I could, until her lips were red and swollen, until she couldn't breathe. I climbed into the back and she joined me as we laid there, in some meaningless parking lot. I played with her hair, as she cuddled up to me. Kissing her head and feeling her breathe was all I needed. This day sucked the life out of me and I just wanted to forget it all.

 

I recalled about three years ago - when I was with Hazel and I put my hands on my head, pulling at my hair and moving out from beneath Serenity, starting the car and pulling out of there. Knowing exactly where I was going as I sped down and past intersections, looking for the entrance to Hazel's neighborhood and when I found it, turning into it. I was pissed and in that rage I was ready to take on anything and anyone.

 

Angrily getting out of the car, helping Serenity out and I slammed the door, marching up to her front door and knocking on it hard. Hearing footsteps walk up to it and noticing Hazel answer it as my hand clutched Serenity's.

 

"Oh its you two, what are you doing here? We haven't talked in like-" I pushed through her, ramming into her house, "Hey!"

"Shut the fuck up," I told her and she sneered at me. "Do you see this girl? Do you see how fucking unbelievably beautiful she is? How petite, how stunningly breath taking - how etiquette she is? She is far better than you are and than you ever will be to me. Fuck am I glad I left you otherwise I'd still be miserable, she has given me more than you ever have. She has given me and shown me what love is, what its supposed to be. See this ring on her finger? She actually means what she says to me and wants to spend forever with me - no matter what. So you know what you little two timing, backstabbing lying piece of shit-"

"Jake!" I heard her yell and turned on my heels to see a large guy emit from the hallway.

"And who is this fucker? What, your bodyguard? Am I supposed to be afraid, just cause I'm small doesn't mean you should doubt me." I chuckled and Serenity gasped as he put his hand on my shoulder, I faced him taking the first punch and watched as he hit the ground. Tackling him as I kept hitting him more and more, he got a few punches in but I didn't mind, I laughed over him and sighed, getting up and wiping my mouth once I was done.

"You threatened me first, just remember that, because I will." I said, grabbing Serenity's wrist and pulling her out to my car, opening her door for her and this entire time - she had been quiet, which made me scared.

 

I got into the car and started the engine, I felt her eyes on me and I fucking broke down - I could no longer take it. Beginning to cry and leaning my head onto my steering wheel. I sighed as I felt her rubbing my back and I looked over at her, tears filling my eyes. She grabbed me by my collar and pulled my lips to hers. I knew it was over, I knew she was going to leave me.

 

The drive to her house was quiet and I couldn't believe what I had just done, she got out and ran around to my side of the car. I rolled down my window and she kissed me - I don't know why. Pulling out of the driveway I cried even harder, wiping my mouth and sighing, I didn't know if this was it - I didn't want it to be the end. I wanted it to be meant to be but I knew she was going to leave me, I just fucking knew. I swallowed my pride and practically had an anxiety attack on my way over to Tré's house.

 

Shaking upon entering Tré's house, I was flipping out and he smacked me, trying to get myself together. He gave me a joint and I gladly smoked it, but I just couldn't take my mind off of Serenity just fucking knowing she was going to leave me, how was I supposed to prove myself worthy after that? It was all over, I just knew it was and by this time tomorrow none of it would have mattered. I looked at the ring on my finger and laughed calmly to myself. Mumbling, "Love is a fucking joke."

 

Locking myself in his bathroom and pulling at my hair, screaming and breaking the mirror. Fuck nothing was enough to make up for what I had done, nothing ever would be enough to explain how beyond sorry I was. I laid on the bathroom floor, then in the bathtub and I couldn't bring myself to calm down. I had this feeling in my gut - in my chest and it refused to go away, nothing was enough. I'd never be enough. My dad is proud of me? Yeah right.


	9. Chapter 9

*Serenity's POV*

 

It was the next morning and I just wanted to forget about yesterday, I wanted to move on from it and be with Billie as much as I could. I rolled over to find his arm wrapped around me and I smiled, touching his face. I was glad everything was okay, I was acting bitchy the other day and I only blame myself - it was just such a scary side of him, a side I had never seen before. A side I never want to see before.

 

Watching his eyes open in the somewhat sunlit room and he smiled at me, as always my stomach filled with butterflies and it turned and swirled and I felt like I was going to puke, by now I could control it but I liked the feeling. He held the blanket up and I turned over and wrapped my arms around him, nuzzling into his warm flannel. I wrapped my leg around his and my arms around his neck and he kissed my forehead, then nose, then my lips. I was so happy Billie and I had worked everything out and he didn't do anything drastic - I can't believe he'd thought I was going to leave him over something as petty as that.

 

It was the last day of school and we never went on the last day, we always just kept to ourselves, and I liked it like that. We usually spent the whole day running around Jess' house in our underwear and he tried stealing ice cream from me as we watched scary movies. I think this year was the best year of my life. I got out of bed and said, "Whoever gets the ice cream first wins," and so I raced down the stairs.

 

I only had half of his flannel buttoned so some of it was flowing behind me, I heard him actually get out of bed and starting to try to catch me. I made it down to the fridge and he finally caught me, picking me up over his shoulder and saying, "Not today sweetheart," I knew he was smiling which was the cutest factor of all of this. I heard him laugh and I laughed along with him, it was the sweetest sound and I never got enough of it. He put me down and I began tickling him and he wiggled around all throughout the kitchen. He looked so good in only his boxers, why didn't he just wear that more?

 

He got the vanilla ice cream out of the fridge for me and got a spoon, feeding it to me and I giggled. He kept smearing it all over my face and I laughed, I opened my mouth as wide as I could and he laughed at me. His laugh was the purest, most genuine sound I'd ever heard in my life, nothing could ever top that sound. We went over to the couch and I looked at my VHS', selecting A Nightmare On Elm Street, popping it into the VCR and went to sit on the couch with Billie, he had a distraught - nervous look on his face.

 

"Billie?" I asked and he snapped his head around to look at me, "What is it?"

"Nothing." He said, clearing his throat.

"You an tell me, its not good to hold things in."

"Okay I just feel bad about yesterday and how I acted, I'm not sure what came over me and I'm afraid you'll resent me for it and want to leave me and I just don't think I can handle that on top of everything else, I couldn't handle losing you, you're the only thing giving my life purpose."

I inched closer and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, I looked up at him and said, "Don't be silly, you're my husband, Billie and I vowed to you I'd spend the rest of my life with you, during the good and the bad and I will always be here, even at your worst. You're worth it, this is worth it, no matter how fucked up our relationship is or gets. I love you, I want you, nobody else. I want YOU to be the one sleeping in my bed at night, to be the one who I grow old with, because so far you're the only person I've met in my life worthy of my time." He cracked a smile and I looked down at my ring, holding it up to him and saying, "Mrs.Armstrong, forever, remember?" He smiled even bigger and tackled me onto the couch, we fell onto it and I giggled.

 

Laying on top of me as he fell asleep and I played with his hair as he snored, which although it was loud was still somehow, someway absolutely adorable. I yawned and seeing him naked on top of me made me want to see him like this in my lap every day of my life. I wanted to be enough for him, strong enough for him and I certainly, without a doubt still always wanted to be there for when he was uncertain - when he had his doubts. Billie spent most of his time writing and a lot of it was about me, and I didn't mind, they were all amazing and took my breath away.

 

Watching him yawn as he heard the phone ring, stumbling off of the couch and rubbing his eye. He answered it lazily and didn't really pay attention or cared about whatever they were saying. I watched his eyes get big and his jaw drop, I couldn't tell if he was upset, shocked, or excited, but when he hung up the phone and came back over to me, I was afraid to ask.

 

"Billie, what is it?" I stared at him, worried, waiting for a response.

"That was my manager, he said we're leaving for our tour today." The colour drained from his face and he swallowed, looking down at his feet. I brought myself closer to him once again.

"Its okay baby, hey hey, look at me-" I pulled his face to look at mine and he grabbed mine, kissing me as hard as he could. The kiss lasted forever and it was in fact one of the most beautiful kisses I think we ever shared. Once it ended I continued, "Its okay, we'll be okay. I'll stay here and you go and pursue your dream, your career. I'll be fine, I'll wait for you and once you return I'll be here with open arms, I'll still be Mrs.Armstrong when you get back. I promise I'm yours, Billie, I always will be."

"I'm sorry I made you stuck with me." I shook my head at that statement and gently nudged his arm.

"Are you kidding, Billie if I didn't want you, which I do, if I didn't want this, us, a future with you I would have said no. But I didn't, now I'm just waiting until we're both eighteen so we can finally - after all these years - finally be married and I can be ultimately happy, and truly be Mrs.Armstrong."

"You really want my last name?" He asked, looking up at me and his eyes were so green in the break of morning it made me want to cry how beautiful they were.

I grabbed his hand and stood him up in front of me, feeling his forehead lean against mine, wrapping my arms around his neck and saying, "I do," then kissing him.

 

In the past couple of days Billie had moved in with me - but Jess' family had no idea. We walked into our room and Billie began packing, he was so fucking adorable it drove me insane. I still thought no matter what it was completely unfair how fucking good-looking Billie was. He stood there with what they consider 'morning wood,' and the sunlight shone around him, I gulped and as he just stood there staring at me, I went up to him and kissed him rough and sloppy. All I could think about was how badly I was going to miss him, once the kiss ended I wanted another and another, for them to never end.

 

I watched him get dressed and I helped him, fixing his collar and I put some shorts on, buttoning the rest of my shirt. I got onto my bed only to have Billie join me, his band members wouldn't be ready for hours and he was already packed. I sat on top of him and pulled him closer by the tie he always wore, having our lips meet and being completely infatuated with him when they did. Arms wrapped around his neck, one hand in his hair another on his shoulder and I felt his on my hips.

 

His fingers glided over to my button on my shorts and I felt him undo them, I leaned back and he pulled them off of me, I did the same for him and he asked, "One for the road?" I nodded and leaned him back, telling him to shut up. Beginning to ride him as he slammed his head back into the pillow and this was my favourite thing I was able to do to him. Make him lose all control of everything in such a simple way. He gnawed on his lip and slammed his lips into mine, hard and bit at them, moaning into my mouth and running hands up my back and down my sides. Billie was way too good and experienced on the topic of sex and he corrupted me - an innocent, young girl into this. Although, I hadn't mind.

 

I knew he was about to come so I pulled myself off of him since he didn't have a condom on, I wrapped my hand around his shaft and began pumping him instead and he was whispering swear words mixed with my name when he finally came. Billie, unlike other guys, actually somehow lasted awhile and it was surprising to even me.

 

I knew that I was unable physically, emotionally and mentally to ever be without him so when he told me I was going to leave him it shocked me and hurt me deeply because the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. I knew that nobody could ever compare to Billie, could never even come close. He was extravagant and everything he did made me fall more in love with him. Whether it was out of sadness, anger, or whatever it all made me happy because I was with him. 

 

He pulled his boxers and shorts back up and I sighed as I sat next to him, hugging my knees and I began to cry. I don't know how I was going to manage five months without him. He said he'd try and cut it to four months but there wasn't much he could do since they already booked and paid for the venues, I sighed and chuckled as he wiped the tears off of my cheeks and I just stared at him.

 

"You don't have to do that, baby, this is your chance, you're really making it big and I am beyond proud of you." I told him, squeezing his hand and he looked at me with the biggest, most desirable green eyes in the world. He pulled my cheeks so our lips met and we fell back onto my bed.

 

He got up from the bed and went over to the phone as he was once again getting a call from his manager, he told them they were ready to go and he needed to get down to the bus station so they could pack all their amps and guitars and such onto the bus. I went over to him and clutched his arm, feeling his muscle tense under my grasp. He asked if they could shorten the tour and I slapped his arm, mouthing the word 'No.' But his manager asked to how short and he asked at least a month. His manager agreed and Billie laughed a bit, smiling into the phone and tears filling his eyes, hanging up the phone.

 

Turning to me to see tears filling my eyes as I wrapped my arms around his neck and he picked me up swinging me around. I grabbed his suitcase and guitar and he got his amp and we walked out to his car, I put both the things in his trunk and the amp sat in the back. We were quiet all the way there, nothing to say because our eyes said it all, he held my hand the entire time and I swallowed as I knew we were close. I began crying again, god I was just a fucking mess today. We pulled into the bus station and saw Mike and Tré loading up what they called the 'bookmobile.' I chuckled a bit at the sight of that.

 

He grabbed my hand harder this time as he got out and as always out of his instinct by now, came around to my side of the car and opened the door for me. I got out and still had tears running down my cheeks. I hugged him and he wrapped his arms, his hands around me tightly, clutching me and the back of my shirt. I sniffled and he shushed me, humming the song he wrote for me to me. I cried even harder and I never wanted to let go, I clutched the fabric of his shirt and I smelled his hair, as always it smelled of some sort of fruit, it was always sweet.

 

Once we let go he held my hands in his and said, "You've had my best, my worst, and my all. And now it's time to say goodbye, but I promise I'll be back. I promise I'll write or call every day." I smiled at that and I rubbed my nose with my shirt as he just stared at me and I looked like a mess. I knew my mascara was running and my nose was as well.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess I-"

"You're beautifully captivating Serenity, stop." I chuckled at that and Mike came over to us.

"Five minutes dude." Billie nodded towards him and looked back at me as Mike walked away.

"Shouldn't Jess be here?"

"They already said goodbye this morning."

I chuckled and said, "I look at you and I just love you and it fucking terrifies me, Billie. It terrifies me what I would do for you."

He smiled at that and answered, "I love you tenderly, totally and tragically."

"Just fucking wake me up when September ends, Billie."

I moved the hair out of my face and pulled him into a hug again, he was my fucking own personal brand of heroin - whenever I was with him I got this rush and it was the best goddamned feeling. 

 

Getting the guitar and suitcase out of his trunk as he carried his amp over to the bus and I placed them in there as did he. He sighed and looked at me, shoving his hands in his pockets and he just stared into my eyes and I knew that I was unable to move. Placing the keys to his car in my hand and he said "Take real good care of my car, and yourself. I promise I'll call as soon as we get wherever we're going - I swear, Serenity." I nodded and hugged him one more time, sniffling into his shoulder and he kissed me, hard, passionately and it went on forever. He was such an amazing kisser, I could never describe just how perfect and full his lips were. I was crying as he got into the bus, waving out the back window and they drove off. I blew kisses in the direction and he did it back to me.

 

"Goodbye, Mr.Armstrong." I said to myself.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billie's POV*

 

I sat in the tiny ass bus and laid out on the futon and all I could fucking think about was Serenity - what was she doing? Was she okay? Did she make it home okay? My anxiety was killing me and I rolled onto the floor of the bus, wanting to break down. I tried turning my attention into songwriting, so I pulled out my guitar and played with a couple of strings.

 

I thought about what Serenity said, "wake me up when September ends," it sounded like a pretty good working title for a song, I began working with it, the chords, the notes, what to put my amp on for the song, should it be slow paced, fast? Soft? I hadn't known yet, I'll come back to it. For now, the lyrics. I related this song to my dad because he passed away that month and that sounded like it'd be an amazing fucking song. But still, I couldn't focus because all I was worried about was Serenity.

 

Missing her already as all I could hear was her fucking voice, her laugh, everything. Goddamn she was the most amazing person I'd ever met and I'd ever even fucking have. A thought came to my mind and a realization just washed over me. Someone's been trying to tell me something. Make her yours forever, and I'm working on the forever part. I wrote that down next to the words she had spoken earlier and I wanted to put it in my wedding vows, it meant something to me.

 

Wandering around the bus and I noticed it was 3 AM and I went into the bathroom of the bus and stared down at a razor blade on the sink. Swallowing and closing my eyes as I placed the cold metal against my skin and bit my lip as it slit across my wrist. I bit my lip and let out a groan as I tried not to cut too deep, the blood rushed onto the floor and I passed out lying there.

 

Morning broke and I was confused as to why Mike and Tré were surrounding me, picking me off of the ground, then I noticed it. The dried up blood on my wrist and hand, the singular razor blade lying in the puddle of blood that I had lost and they slugged me over to the couch. Tré's dad wrapped my arm up in bandages and looked at me as if I was crazy. I exited the bus, looking for a pay phone and found one as I immediately ran towards it.

 

Dialing Serenity's number as I heard her pick up and my heart immediately soared, "Serenity baby."

"Billie? Where are you guys?" She said with a tone of excitement added to her voice.

"We're in uh Seattle, its really cold up here, I wish - I wish you were here, cuddling me. Its so good to hear your voice."

"Is that rain?" She asked and then continued, "God do I miss rain."

"I miss you." I said.

"I miss you too," I heard her say as she giggled a bit into the phone.

"Serenity I have something uh important to tell you."

"Okay, what is it?"

"I tried to um, kill myself last night." I didn't hear her say anything for a long while and in that moment it washed over me, the realization that I had let her down, that I was indeed a disappointment to her and everyone else.

"Billie I-"

"You don't have to say it - you're disappointed in me and I let you down and everything else in between."

"No Billie, I love you no matter what. I know you're going to have your dark days, you have your demons to battle and thats okay. There isn't anything wrong with that, just know that I need you dearly in every way imaginable and in ways I didn't even think possible. I deal with um, self harm as well and I didn't think I'd ever stop - but I did when you came along."

"You did?"

"Yeah, I've been clean for 3 years now, heh."

"Serenity I had no idea, I'm so fucking proud of you baby, just know whenever you get urges to do that you can always - always no matter what, come to me. I'll always be here for you darling, I miss you so much. God I just want to cuddle you and play with your hair and smell it and ugh you always smell like strawberries."

I heard her giggle and then she said, "Yeah, I'm really missing you but, it'll be over before we know it and everything will be back to normal and we'll be together again. I didn't even sleep last night, I was up all night crying and right now Jess is still sobbing in bed."

I wiped my nose as I laughed at that, "Alright baby, I'll be home soon, okay? I promise and then we can be together again as if nothing had even happened. I love you."

"I love you too, Billie, so much." She made kissy noises into the phone and I did the same before hanging it up.

 

All I saw throughout my entire time in Seattle was Serenity, on every magazine cover where people were there - on every billboard with models. I eventually ended up going into a womans lingerie/underwear store and getting her a bra and thong that I would love to see her in. God I missed her, her touch, her breathing, her voice and the sound of her laugh. This was going to be a long four months.

 

I got back to the bus and stared out the window, gleaming at the rain and wondering if it'd ever stop. We were parked outside of our venue. I hardly recalled anything from last night, all I remembered was finding a razor blade and blacking out. It wasn't a fond memory and I didn't want to do it again so I shook the thoughts, thinking about Serenity.

 

Her beauty outlined her glorious personality and god I just wanted to be home with her. I knew this band thing had its costs, its doubts and I even doubted myself. Was I ever even going to make it big? Was I going to go anywhere? Was I going to be a one hit wonder or sell out? I ran my fingers through my hair out of stress and shook those thoughts off as well.

 

I went back to my writing pad and still couldn't focus because all there was clouding my mind was Serenity. I saw everyone sitting around me and jokingly asked, "Can we go back to Berkeley?" They all laughed but I was at least half serious. I sighed and tapped my foot as I kept thinking about Serenity, fuck. I was way head over heels for this girl and I don't think I could survive four months without her by my side.

 

Leaning over onto the floor and bobbing back and forth, shaking at the thought of ever being without Serenity made me want to scream. I stared at all of them, how the fuck was Mike doing fine in this situation? I felt someone start rubbing my back and I inched away from them, "Don't fucking touch me."

 

I knew I could never go on tour again, not without Serenity at least.


	10. Chapter 10

*Serenity's POV*

 

I excitedly got up early and got ready, rushing around my room and turning it into a mess, making sure all of Billie's things were where they had been before he left. I made sure he had clean clothes for when he got home and had bought him a couple of things that I hoped he'd like. All the while making sure of these things I was trying to find something for me to wear for when he arrived.

 

It was the first time I was seeing him in months and I was rummaging through my closet, tossing everything onto my floor and decided I'd wear a dress. I pulled one out of my closet and held it over my body, glancing in the mirror. It was covered in black lace and the cloth under it was white, I nodded and got a black cardigan to go over it and raced to the bathroom. I jumped into the shower and ran my hands through my hair, trying to rush but also making sure I got all the shampoo and body wash off of me. 

 

Drying off as I also blow dried my hair practically shaking at the cold air nipping my skin, god did I miss Billie's lips on my collarbones. I felt doubt cast over me as I wondered if maybe he had met someone else, someone better, more good looking, more intelligent. I began shaking and I laid down on the bathroom floor, crying. The thought of ever being alone, without Billie practically traumatized me, I don't think I'd ever make it without him by my side, his hand in mine.

 

Pulling myself off of the floor and trying to get it together as it had struck nine and Billie was going to be there at eleven. I ran towards my room with my clothes in my hand and slipped my dress onto my body, rushing over to my vanity and trying to hurry with the makeup process but also make it look good. Putting on mascara and eyeliner, blush and foundation as I blended it all in and then added concealer. Billie never understood why I wore makeup, but I did it because I felt pretty, I guess. I never really was happy with myself.

 

I began to do my hair, taking two pieces that covered the sides of my face and braiding them, clipping them together at the back of my head, the rest just stayed down. Going over to my closet and looking for some shoes, my last pair of flats had a hole in them so I decided to slip into my chuck taylors. Wiping the sweat off of my forehead and going downstairs to meet Jess in the kitchen. 

 

She was making toast and I felt my stomach grumble and she offered to make me some as well. I gladly accepted and got the butter out, she complimented my dress and told me I looked good and I said the same to her. She had straightened her long, blonde hair which had always brought out her freckles and green eyes. I always admired Jess, I thought she was prettier than I'd ever be. She was wearing a dress as well, only it was less poofy and it was pink, she actually had a good pair of flats. 

 

"Don't worry about it, stop comparing yourself, Serenity. You're fucking beautiful and always have been, okay?" I nodded and she looked at the clock, an hour and a half had already passed and my eyes widened. The clock showed 10:30, we lathered our pieces of toast with butter, stuck them in our mouths and rushed towards the door. I grabbed Billie's keys along the way and got into his car as Jess got into her own and I followed her to the bus station.

 

Once we had gotten there it was 10:47 and I got out of the car, she walked over to me practically shaking from anticipation. She was clutching onto my arm and wiped crumbs from the toast off of my dress and I thanked her. I slammed the car door and we leaned against the back of it, staring at where Billie and the rest of the guys would arrive. I was so nervous that I had to pee extremely badly and once I saw a couple buses passing by it felt unreal that he was finally, after all this time, was coming home.

 

Ten minutes passed and I saw their bus coming down the street and my eyes began watering, I covered my mouth as I stared at it, and it came to a stop. Watching the door open and Billie getting off I cried even harder, so much so that it began to blur my vision. He looked at me with a smile on his face, I heard him scream my name and I screamed his back at him, running up to him as he ran towards me. I jumped into his arms and he held me up, spinning me around and walking back over to his car as I clutched his back, crying into his shoulder.

 

He sat me up on the trunk of his car and looked at me, holding my hands and they left mine, moving up to my face and fuck it was unreal, it was fucking unreal to have him back home. Cupping my cheeks he brought my lips to his and once they met the pressure, the distance between us finally disintegrated. Our kiss was long and sloppy, hands on, lust filled kisses and I could feel just by that, that he had missed me. His hands were swollen from playing guitar and as they ran all over my body, to have his hands clutching my sides, my shoulders, my arms, hands and whatever else made it seem like he was in fact just a fucking dream.

 

As his lips left mine I still had my eyes closed and lips puckered out, once I had realized they were gone I opened my eyes and he just stared at me, laughing. He was crying and it was so beautiful to see him in person again. Those four months had to have been the hardest part of my life so far and I almost went insane while he was gone but I was here and so was he and we were okay and so was everything else.

 

When I felt his arms wrapped around me I felt safe, I felt as if I knew that everything was okay and that nothing was ever going to ruin this - ruin us. Once I pulled away from the hug I stared into his big, gorgeous green eyes that I almost had forgotten just how green they were. They always made me weak in the knees and to this day, they still do.

 

"Its good to be back home, and where I consider home, Mrs.Armstrong, is your arms." Hearing him say that made me whimper more and he hugged me harder. I was still crying and I just couldn't stop. Having him back in my arms, in my life was something I had been waiting for what felt like forever. He smelled like booze and come and I could just tell he had been lonely. I chuckled and pulled away again and he looked at me with a questioning look on his face.

 

"Its just you smell like sex and booze." I wiped my nose and smiled at him as I said that. He scratched the back of his head and raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah, well uh when you're alone for that long away from the one you love, y'know, masturbating is kind of all you got." He chuckled a bit and looked back up at me, pulling my head towards his and once again, our lips met and everything was bliss. I felt the cold winds brushing against my skin as his hands did as well and as all of that washed over me, so did he. Everything finally felt right again, felt normal, like it was the way things were supposed to be.

 

I hopped down off of his car and we went over to the bus, my hands wrapped around his masculine arm. I clutched it and he didn't even flinch as I watched them all unloading their equipment. I picked up Billie's guitar and suitcase like I had four months ago when he was leaving but this time, he was here to stay. At least for now. I went back over to his car and put it in his trunk as he got his amp and placed it in the backseat just as he had before.

 

Heading back over to the bus wondering if there was anything else I could help with, but they told me they were nearly done. That's when Tré hopped off the back and practically squeezed the life out of me. I hugged him back and Tré being Tré, next to Billie, he gave the best hugs. Mike followed behind him and soon hugged me as well, holding me between them both and soon after the hug was over and I returned to Billie.

 

We got in the car and the entire way home he was singing 'groovy underwear,' I asked him what that was all about and he said he and Mike had started singing that, it was a song. I hadn't noticed it before because I was crying so much but Billie had bleached his hair and cut it short, I got sad because I had missed his long locks. I placed my hand in his free one and he looked over at me, smiling.

 

"Billie?" I looked at him and he looked back with a questioning look on his face.

"Yes?" He replied.

"Why did you cut your hair?" I asked sadly.

"Ah well it was getting to be too much to take care of, and well I think blonde suits me, if it doesn't I can always go back to black." I smirked at him and looked at my hair in the mirror, sighing as it had faded to brown and had dead ends. The whole car ride home he was telling me all about his adventures up North and in the East, telling me he wrote new songs and got new motivation.

 

I smiled at the stories because he was so excited to share and all of it, even him, was perfect. It seemed like such an amazing experience and next time, I wanted to be with him.

 

"Aw babe I wish you had been there, Mike took some acid and wrote this amazing as fuck bass line!" He said as we pulled up to a stop light and I clutched his hand.

"Billie I - please don't ever leave me. I know there's going to be future tours but please, take me with you at least." Looking over in my direction with the most genuine expression on his face and he clutched my hand even tighter, leaning over and kissing me.

"I promise." I smiled at him and leaned back into my seat as we were almost home.

 

I saw Mike and Jess' car behind us but they had said they were going to Tré's house to drop him and his dad off. We pulled into my neighborhood and stopped at our house. It felt as if Billie had moved in and out so fast but really he was still living with us and still, they had no idea. He came over and opened my door for me, helping me out of his car and he got the amp out of the backseat as I got his guitar and suitcase once again.

 

We stepped inside and he breathed it all in, the big, open air and I smiled at him, taking his hand and we walked down the hallway. Upon entering the living room we sat on the sofa and turned on MTV. He wrapped his arm around me and I realized how muscular he had gotten and it took my breath away, but I didn't say anything. I leaned into him, onto his chest and as always, he was fucking warm. 

 

I fell asleep there for a couple hours and when I awoke I felt his fingers running through my hair and I pulled myself off of him.

 

"Hey sleepy head," He said, smiling at me, "Have a good dream?" He asked.

"Um - why do you ask?"

"Well I did hear my name a couple times." He smirked and raised his eyebrows at me.

I scoffed and then said, "It was nothing, I'm just not used to having you home yet."

"Yeah sure sure, so um, you should follow me." I looked at him puzzled but did as he said and followed him closely behind. He put his hand over my eyes and took me upstairs, I felt as if we were going towards my bedroom.

 

When I was able to look I had been right, we were in my bedroom and nothing was different, but I felt Billie's hands creeping around my side and down to my waist. I turned towards him and wrapped my arms around his neck and he kissed me, rough, biting at my lip and he moaned into my mouth, "God I fucking missed you."

 

Taking me over to the bed as he started wiggling me out of my dress and tossed it into the floor, pulling out handcuffs from his back pocket and wrapping it around my wrists. I looked at him with a shocked look, "Well you got to have all the fun last time, its my turn now." He said and got a devilish smirk on his face that made me give into whatever he wanted. And god, what he wanted was the most enjoyable thing in my life.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billie's POV*

 

I stripped down to my boxers and grabbed the whip she had bought from her closet, then glancing over at the gag in the corner, smirking and raising an eyebrow. She begged me not to and man that was even better, but I ended up not putting it on her. I was going slow yet somehow also rushing it. I climbed on top of her and pressed my lips to hers, kissing her full of love, passion and lust. 

 

Pulling myself away as I just stared at her body noticing every part of her body that curved together perfectly as my hands slid down her stomach, feeling her waist. I'd always acknowledged this factor but never did I appreciate its importance. Her curves god did they take me away, they weren't just some sexual thing to me as I noticed them all. From the one that went from her back to her arse, to the curve of her neck where it stops being neck and starts being her head. I guess I never took the time to notice her, all of her as she laid out in our bed naked and I was taking her in fully for the first time.

 

It was then that I had realized just how lucky I had truly been and it made me grateful to not only have someone this fucking gorgeous, but to have someone who understood, who was there for you, and who always would be. I knew, in that moment that not only did I want to marry her, not only did I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but that she in fact is indeed my soulmate. We were destined to meet even back when we were 13 and I was with Hazel and we barely shared any intimate moments like we are now.

 

I wanted to be slow - but rough, loving but sexual, I wanted to make love but I also just wanted to fuck her until she was screaming. I stared down at her and as I did I bit my lip. I sat on top of her and as I did, I pulled her on top of me instead. She looked at me questioningly and I didn't want to fuck just yet, I wanted to show her I appreciate her, that she's important to me. 

 

Gliding my hands down her back and up through her hair as they eventually locked on her jaw, pulling her lips to mine and as they met, there was that feeling. That feeling that I got every time only more intense this time, the feeling that my stomach was a washing machine but also had butterflies flying throughout it and that they were going to come out of my mouth. I always felt as if I was going to throw up or that it was unreal, that she was unreal and when the realization finally washed over me that she wasn't it always made me think about our future together. 

 

Where were we going to wind up? Were we going to be able to make it in the real world? I didn't want a real job, I liked my band and I knew that for the rest of my life, that is what I wanted to do and she is who I wanted to be with - to share it with. I shook those thoughts and decided not to focus too much on the future but to worry about here and now, and what we were doing.

 

She was kissing me so intimately and as she did it only made me harder, she was so sexy yet so beautiful all at the same time and it was never fair how she was capable of doing all of that at once. I felt out of breath - like I just got the wind knocked out of me every fucking time I looked at her, she is the reason I'm still here and I don't think she'd ever understand that.

 

I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around me and I walked over to our dresser that had the condoms in it, slamming her against the wall and as I did I heard her breathe in hard. I pulled out of the kiss and stared at her, to make sure she was okay. She nodded and tangled her fingers into my hair, pushing my lips back to hers and I could tell I wouldn't be able to get a moment much tonight without her lips on mine, and I wasn't complaining.

 

Rushing to open a condom and slipping out of my boxers, but she stopped me and put it back on our dresser. Glancing up at me and raising her eyebrows, switching places with me and suddenly I was the one against the cold wall. She kissed down my body and sucked on my skin every once in awhile, leaving hickeys and I felt her lips, the warmth of her breath wrap around my tip and not only did I moan as loud as I thought possible, I pushed myself deeper down her throat. I closed my eyes and sucked air in through my teeth, mouth dry and cold from moaning yet still somehow wet.

 

Feeling myself get close and she began to suck faster and as she did I felt myself bite my lip, my eyes slam shut, and hands clutch a fistful of her hair. I came and as I felt myself do so I looked next to us to notice a bottle of water sitting on her vanity. I grabbed it and handed it to her and once she finished drinking I picked her up off of the floor, pinning her back against the wall and I copied her motions. I planted my lips on her body - gnawing, sucking, biting anywhere I could. Neck, collarbones, tits, ribs, hips, thighs. 

 

Placing her legs over my shoulders and as she knew what was coming she put her fingers in my hair and pushed me towards her vagina, not only with her hand but her legs as well. I delve into her and as I did I heard her moan louder than I was expecting, louder than I had ever heard her moan before. She pulled at my hair and clawed at my shoulders and as she did I think she broke the skin, causing them to bleed. I widened my eyes at the feeling of the pain but it felt good all at the same time. I slipped a finger into her, and then changed that to two and while doing that they matched the speed of my tongue. 

 

She came into my mouth and as she did I swallowed it all, pulling myself off of the floor to meet her gaze that stopped me in my tracks - fuck she had always been way too powerful with that. I gripped her wrists and pinned them to the wall, feeling her wrap her legs around my waist and giving her a stern look and thats when I felt her hot breath hit me neck, hearing her whisper into my ear, begging. It turned me on even more and I once again gripped the condom off of the dresser and slipped it on this time, having no interruptions. 

 

Bracing herself, asking if we could go back over to the bed and I agreed, carrying her back across the room, laying her out on the bed. I slammed into her and as I did she leaned her head back, slammed her eyes shut and clutched the pillow with her hands which had been handcuffed still. I wrapped my hand around her throat, choking her and she submitted. Tonight she was mine and I wanted to take her there like she had never been before. I started off thrusting slowly but as we got further along I began to go faster and harder, choking her and I heard her take a deep breath in.

 

Grabbing onto her headboard and thrusting into her even harder than before, which I had no idea how that had been possible, while she left hickeys all over my chest. One of them even bled, this girl obviously wanted mt to be experiencing some type of pain, or maybe she just missed me, or both. I picked her up onto my lap and she pushed me onto the bed, riding me. I shut my eyes, moaning in pleasure and I knew we both felt it coming and as soon as we did, it was fucking blissful.

 

She fell onto the free area of the bed next to me and I undid her handcuffs, she immediately wrapped her arms around me and began to kiss me all over my face. As she did so I laughed and she did too, it was so good to be back with her, in her arms and at home. I finally felt safe again, I felt reassured and that is all I ever needed to know that she was indeed the one for me, the one who was enough and drained out all my pain.

 

Pulling my head down towards her chest, cuddling me and running her fingers through my hair as I trailed mine up her sides. I think it was at that moment that I truly realized just how much I had looked up to her, how strong and powerful she was. This moment full of silence was pure bliss, pure beauty and I would never had pictured myself in a position where I was actually happy, feeling some sort of joyfulness. Maybe I wasn't happy, maybe I was just content, but that had surely been enough for now to get me by - all I knew was that all I really needed, all I'll ever need, all I really was waiting my whole life for was indeed and always will be Serenity. 

 

I kissed her hand and gazed up at her and she smiled down at me, laughing as I began tickling her, hearing her beg me to stop. Once I did we just sat in bed the rest of the day, her heard on my chest and staring up at the ceiling, vowing to do absolutely nothing and the reality was, we didn't need to do anything. All we needed was each other.


	11. Chapter 11

*Serenity's POV*

 

Two years had passed and it was now 1990, Billie's 18th birthday was closely arriving and as I lay awake in the dim-litted room, staring up at him I ran my hand across his face. He was so beautiful, peaceful, everything imaginable when he was asleep, and even more when he wasn't. It was early and tomorrow was his birthday, I hadn't told him what I had planned but he hadn't told me what he had either. It was all some big secret I wasn't allowed to know, all he told me was I needed a dress and on that, I bought a new one. Jess picked it out for me, it was long, not very fluffy or outstanding neither breathtaking but it would have to suffice. 

 

Billie soon awoke and for some reason he pulled out his camera, taking a picture of me. I was unsure as to why, but I didn't question it, although it isn't like I was photogenic at all at the moment. He smiled at me and took my hand, taking me downstairs with him to get some breakfast. He wrapped his arms around me, hands traveling my torso as we stood in the kitchen with Jess, her mum and Mike. Billie giggled into my ear and I just stared at him as I smiled. We kissed for what seemed to never end and I never wanted it to.

 

He told me he and Mike were going to take a ride on his motorcycle today and I immediately got this feeling that someone kicked me in the gut. I hated thinking about Billie ever being in some sort of danger - in some sort of trouble. 

 

"Do either of you even have your motorcycle licenses?"

"Fuck no, but Mike looks older so they never stop him, cops are fucking dumb." Billie said as he got a bag of chips from the pantry and tore them open when he heard a knock on the door. We were all still waking up and I just glanced over at him as he shrugged, going to answer it. 

 

I followed behind him, grasping his upper arm and he opened it, revealing his mum. He scoffed and shoved chips in his mouth, said "Nah sorry we aren't taking any visitors." And slammed the door in her face. I gasped and he looked at me with a 'what?' look on his face. It had been two years since he talked to her and he pulled the door open again, grabbing her arm and dragging her into the kitchen.

 

"Look who actually wants to be apart of my life again! Someone who hasn't given a shit for the other 17 years of it!"

"Billie, stop this nonsense."

"Fuck off mum, I don't need you and I never did, all you did was hold me back." I crossed my arms along my chest and walked back into the kitchen slowly, taking my place next to Billie as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. She scolded at me and Mike got up from his chair and Jess did as well, coming over to us and that's when we saw Tré burst into the door, coming up behind Billie's mom and smirking a bit as he clenched his knuckles. Billie raised his eyebrows and smirked at her, as if he was saying 'you really want to do this?'

I was always a bit scared of Billie when it came to his mum and being around her but thats when she said, "Have fun with your chew toy." And I fucking lost it. I slapped her as hard as I could and she went to the door, calling my mum in. I laughed and stared at Billie and as always, my mum had a bottle of alcohol in her hand.

"Oh mum you still ruining your life one bottle at a time?" I said as I stared at her and she shook her head at me. "Ya know mum, I've been happier ever since I left that shitty thing you call a house and a family. So in retrospect I never really required you as a mum in my life just as much as I needed Carmen as a sister. I have this family, a family who looks out and cares for each other. Jess is a my true fucking sister, my best friend and actually gives a shit about me and always has and always will. Tré and Mike are the brothers, the friends you always deprived me of. You sent fucking Zach off to a military school because he was 'acting out,' and you still refuse to bring him home! So really you have just put me off of my whole life, my balance from everything. So fuck you for trying to take this all away from me, to take me away from a loving, caring family. You're sad, pathetic and alone. Well you do have Carmen but by now she is at that rebellious stage as well so." I smirked and she rolled her eyes like teenagers do.

 

My dad came in and Billie and him exited the room and both of our mums did as well, I could hear them talking just not what they were saying, it was something about tomorrow and if everything was ready. My breathing hitched when I heard Mike and Tré make as much noise as they could, I heard Billie say he didn't want our mums there tomorrow and I didn't know what in the hell they were talking about. It made my chest heavy and I just couldn't take my mind off of it for the rest of the day. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair which I had finally got around to redying it black once again. I looked over at Jess and she shrugged, telling me she had no idea - but I knew Mike and Tré had to have known something.

 

I looked around the kitchen and proceeded to get food so it didn't seem as if I was eavesdropping, making a bowl of cereal as Billie came back into the room and snaked his arms around my hips and kissed my cheek repetitively and forceful. I laughed and turned my head to his after swallowing a mouthful of cereal and kissing him. His lips were always so soft and warm, it made me want to fucking melt. He was the best goddamn kisser, I put my bowl of cereal and spoon down, adjusting my body to face his, wrapping my arms around his neck and his wrapped around my waist and I felt myself sinking into him, it was like when we first kissed all over again. In the halloween store with our costumes halfway off and it was long, wet, sloppy and he just kept going, holding my body up and close to his, tightly and I pulled myself up.

 

In the past two years his band, Green Day, had gotten a lot bigger than when they first started and god was I proud of him, of all of them. They couldn't do this without each other and they all held each other together so closely, so near and dear. They were celebrating being a band for two years and I laughed as they all raised glasses of beer, cheering after Billie had made a speech and they toasted each other, taking a slug off of the disgusting smelling alcohol - which was all Billie ever smelled like.

 

I looked at him smiling as he had his arm wrapped around me, smiling and laughing with his band mates, his friends, his family. I smiled along and Mike and Tré were making jokes and we all laughed along with them. Tré was messing with some spoons and licked them, sticking them onto his nipples and I just couldn't pay attention to that or him or them at all. I gazed up at Billie who was just beautiful and made my stomach turn, it was amazing to just look at him, he was completely unreal. It made me want to scream and yell and call out for him until I was sure, for a fact and had no doubt casting over me that he was indeed real. I clutched his face and turned it towards mine, quickly closing the space between our lips and I accidentally hit my nose against his, which couldn't have been good for his nose piercing. Everyone began laughing at us as we rubbed our noses and then tried again, this time kissing successfully. 

 

Billie smiled at me and on that day we did absolutely nothing except wander around the house and watching some old movies in our underwear. Billie was always sweet, funny, and good company to have around. I paid no attention to the movies as he was all I had to really keep me entertained, or should I say all I really needed. Ah well.

 

"So what do you want to do for your birthday?" I asked, laid out next to him on the bed with my feet in the air, kicking around and he was strumming his guitar.

"You'll see," He said, "Its going to be awesome." He continued and kissed my forehead and then went back to strumming his guitar.

I sat up and crossed my arms along my chest and pouted as he just looked at me laughing, "Okay you have to tell me!"

"Why?" He said, "Can't you just wait? I mean it is tomorrow."

"No! You have to tell me now, what is the big secret? Why were you talking to my parents and your mum? Tell me Billie!" I said, taking his guitar from him and moving over to the window of my room, threatening to throw it out.

"Hey whoa hey okay okay!" He came over to me and took the guitar back, placing it down gently, then taking my hand and pulling me back over to the bed. "Just, come on, let me have this secret - its going to be great, I promise." We were now cuddling and he was making circles with his thumb on my arm and he kissed my forehead and I pouted even more. He laughed harder this time and I hit him in the gut, I hated when he didn't tell me things, or maybe I loved it and it just frustrated me.

 

It was 8 o'clock at night and we just danced around my room to some vinyl, he was really uncoordinated and bad at dancing, and I thought I was the bad one. Guess we can't ever have our first dance once we got married I thought to myself as his green eyes gleamed brighter than the moonlight in the darkness. I went over to his guitar because he had asked me to get it for him, going back over to the bed and carefully giving it to him. He sat me down next to him and told me he had written this song for me when he was on tour.

 

He told me it was on their newest album they had gotten to record, they now had two recorded albums and just seeing his face gleam with excitement when he was able to say that makes my heart flutter for even him. I was just so happy to see him happy, to see his dreams going somewhere and that it wasn't a waste of time, it wasn't all for nothing. What he was doing was beautiful, he was beautiful and the words he spoke were beautiful. Everything about him was pure and it made me want him even more. Maybe that wasn't the right word to describe him considering he drinks alcohol, smokes cigarettes and does drugs but still to me, he was a fucking angel. 

 

He looked at me as he sung, he had gotten so good at guitar he didn't really need to pay attention to what he was playing or doing he just knew, it all came to him. It felt right, and he knew that with no doubts in his mind this is what he wanted to be doing the rest of his life. 

 

Billie played me to sleep last night to a beautiful song he had learned on guitar and it quickly became one of my favorites and he was soon playing it to me every night. When I woke up the next day Billie wasn't in bed.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billie's POV*

 

I got up early the morning of my birthday and hopped into the shower, getting out my tuxedo and having to have Jess' mum help me into it as I could not adjust it for the life of me, she had to tie my bow as well. I sighed and rolled my eyes, leaving a note for Serenity on the dresser as she had done to me the day of our anniversary two years ago. We had been dating for two years, engaged for two years and now we are going to get married. I am going to become a married man today, and she will finally be Serenity Armstrong, I was able to call her my wife and honestly that is all I wanted or ever needed in my life. Without a doubt I knew I was ready for this, I was ready for her and to be hers and to take, to have forever. 

 

Straightening out the ends of my sleeves of my tuxedo as Tré arrived and Mike straightened out my jacket for me, I went over to the door and allowed Tré in and I saw Serenity's dad soon follow. They all were in their suits and we went outside to set up everything, they told me the priest was coming later and I chuckled nervously. I think her dad noticed but I tried to hide it, he pulled me to the side and we had a chat.

 

"Now look I'm personally opposed to this whole thing but, because of you I know, and this is my fault, this is the happiest she has been in years. I always imagined her with someone who had better uh aspirations and goals in life, not some pissed off punk with dyed hair, tattoos, and piercings but I mean I guess my daughter is that as well." He shook his head and wiped his face off with his fingers.

"Look sir, I may not be the pristine person you'd like me to be, shit I'm not even who my own mother wants me to be but I love her and if that isn't enough for you then you can leave my house, my backyard right now. It'll make no difference, I will still love her just as much as I did when I first laid eyes on her and just as much as I do right now and just as much as I always will." He sniffled a bit and straightened out his tuxedo, patting my shoulder and I spit into the grass, walking over to the archway and laying out the 'isle', or just a long piece of white carpet we had extra from when I was helping replace it.

 

Things were getting tough and I had to get a job, who barely let me do shit since I had tattoos and piercings, but they said I'd have to suffice. It was a fucking pizza delivery job and I was already sick of it, Serenity had a job too, she worked as a store clerk in the local drug store. I sighed as it was very cold outside considering it was February and I took a slug of water.

 

I soon went inside and slowly, quietly creeped up the stairs to check on Serenity. I heard her yawning I think, but I opened the door just a tad bit to see if I was right, I had to be sure. I saw her yawning and stretching, fuck she was awake!

 

Rushing downstairs as fast as I could and shot through the backdoor, yelling at everyone that she was awake and I went back inside and I heard the priest knock on the door. I hurriedly rushed over and slammed it open, grabbing his wrist and rushing him through the door, the house, everything. I knew Jess was inside taking care of her, doing her hair, her makeup and just the thought of her made me tear up a bit. 

 

Once I had gotten outside Serenity's dad gripped my shoulder and stopped me, "Hey I got you guys a wedding gift." I snatched the papers from his hand and looked up at him harshly. My mouth fell when I read the paper.

"An apartment? Are you serious? How much is the rent I-"

"The rent for the first 3 months is taken care of, don't worry about it. Once those 3 months is up it'll be $300 a month." I hugged him and thanked him repetitively, kissing him on the cheek and rushing over to Mike and Tré who stood at the archway with the priest, showing them we could get the fuck out of Jess' house and have our own place. They all cheered and hugged me.

 

We had all been rushing now, setting up the table with the cake and the presents and to make sure I looked okay. Mike and Tré kept telling me to straighten out my jacket and my tie, I cleared my throat and stared up at the window that lead into her room and I immediately felt my stomach flip - it dropped. I was so fucking nervous that I wasn't going to appeal to her or this wasn't what she wanted or enough and I got extremely scared, my face went blank and the colour drained from it.

 

I was a nervous, scared wreck that she wouldn't love me, that this wasn't enough and I wouldn't have blamed her. It looked awful and she deserved better, I sighed and played with the rug we placed on the ground, sitting under the archway. I leaned my head onto my hand and my arm onto my knee, sighing as I missed Serenity. 

 

Lighting a cigarette as I waited for Serenity, ashing it onto the ground and staring up at the sky as everyone walked past me in a hurry trying to make sure everything was perfect. But I didn't care about this, I didn't want this big thing, although it could be bigger, still, I just wanted it to be perfect for her. I sighed and put my head in hand, shaking it and flicking the cigarette some more, still taking drags. 

 

Staring at the wall my mind went blank as I watched everyone set up the amplifiers, my guitar, Mike's bass, and Tré's drums so I could perform the song I had written for her when I was on tour. I had started singing her to sleep every night and god she was so cute, it made me want to just stumble over my feet. I started thinking about the song I wrote for her and humming it, thinking about the details of her face.

 

"I sit outside and watch the sunrise lookout as far as I can, I can't see her but in the distance I hear some laughter, we laugh together." I hummed and sighed, picking at the grass and then throwing it back and I stood up from the ground, as I saw Jess stop at the door and scream "She's coming!"

 

* * *

 

 

*Serenity's POV*

 

When I woke up this morning it felt weird, abnormal mainly because when I looked over, Billie wasn't there. I looked at the note he left on the dresser and went over to it, picking it up and reading it.

 

 _"Hey darling, go ahead and jump into the shower, take your time to get ready, and when you are come out in the backyard, I have a surprise for you - Billie Joe Armstrong xoxo."_ I smiled and put the note down, getting out the dress he had told me to wear and I laid it out on the bed. I walked towards the door and opened it with a big smile plastered on my face and thats when I saw Jess and her mum standing there and they grabbed me, taking me to the bathroom.

 

They locked me in there until I took a shower, as if I wasn't going to already but okay. I took as long as I wanted, maybe 10 or 15 minutes tops, and ran my fingers through my hair, all over my body, lathering on the soap and then washing it off. I sat in there singing the song Billie had put me to sleep with last night, dreaming about what he could be doing out in the backyard. I turned off the screeching shower head and got outside, putting my glasses back on which were now foggy due to the hot water.

 

Opening the door and once again I saw Jess and her mum, they pulled me towards my room and I was wondering what the rush was for but knew I wouldn't get an answer. Jess began to blow dry and brush my hair and I finally said, "Stop! I can do all of this myself on my own time, now leave!" I escorted them to the door and slammed it shut. I knew they were still standing at the door and I rolled my eyes, going back over to my vanity and finishing blow drying my hair.

 

I brushed through it while humming a chantey tune, glancing at myself in the mirror and sighing, unraveling my robe and squeezing the fat of my stomach, wanting to break down, wanting to cry. I sighed and pulled myself together, good thing I hadn't done my makeup yet. I looked at the scars from self harm on my thighs, my hips and my wrists and I began to cry even more. Pulling the hair out of my face as I glanced around the room, sniffling, wiping my nose and I noticed the blinds to my back window had been closed which was peculiar.

 

Ignoring it as I'm sure Billie did it, he always hated the sun gleaming in on him in the morning. I focused on my hair and I wasn't quite sure how to do it but I ended up just putting the top layer into a bun type thing with the under layer hanging down and decided to do my makeup. I actually put in effort on doing my eyeshadow today, usually just doing eyeliner and mascara. Once I had that done I looked at the dress and slipped into it, glancing at myself in the mirror and twirling around. I didn't have any shoes to go with it so I just glanced around the room, looking to see if I had some white shoes. Thats when Jess came into the room and handed me a pair, I thanked her and she left. Weird, but they were heels and would have to suffice.

 

I went back over to my vanity and decided to curl two end pieces that outlined my face. Once I was officially finished I exited the room, picking up my dress from under my feet and Jess began to escort me down the stairs and towards the back door. I looked at her with a confused look crossing my face and she told me my makeup had looked really good which was nothing to do with what I wanted to ask. Her mum handed me a bouquet of flowers and then it finally hit me, I had finally realized what was going on.

 

I was fucking getting married.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billie's POV*

 

As I saw her exit the house and stand at the end of the isle I held my breath. Watching her dad take her arm and escort her my way I couldn't feel my sides, my stomach, nothing, I wasn't numb but I was overwhelmed. She looked so - there were no words to put on it, to put on just how magnificent she looked, even that wasn't enough. I twitched my fingers and as she got closer I felt as if I was going to throw up.

 

She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings.

 

She finally got to the end of the isle and took one of my hands, holding her flowers with the other and she smiled at me with the biggest smile she had ever shown before. I smiled at her as well and the priest began, asking us all of the basic things, do I take her to have and to hold? In sickness and in health? All of that, I didn't really care about any of that because well, all I really cared about was Serenity and I just wanted to be able to call her mine, to call her my wife forever.

 

I pulled out papers with my vows on them out of my pocket and began reading them.

 

"Serenity, I know I'm not your ideal Mr.Right, I'm not necessarily anyones Mr.Right or any parents view of a perfect boy but I promise, I swear on my life, cross my heart and hope to die that I will always hold you near at night. I will always protect you in your time of fear, time of sadness and despair, to have you by my side is all I'll ever need for the rest of my life. To see you smile, it makes my heart soar, to hear your laugh it brings joy to my life, everything about you has given my life meaning and I could never repay you nor thank you enough. I know I'll never be able to find all the right words to say, and even may say the wrong ones at times, but I'll never find the words to describe just how beautiful you are or how grateful I am and forever will be to you, Serenity Powell, for saving my life. There are indeed no words that could ever add up to you, what you and who you are. Thank you for always being there for me, holding me in my time of neediness, sadness and every other time. Thank you for sharing the good and bad times with me, and I hope you'll take me as your loving husband so we may share many more."

 

I knew she didn't have vows because she hadn't anticipated this day to come so soon, at least these past two years we've been engaged sure as hell went by fast. Watching tears fill her eyes and mine did the same, not as much but I wiped her tears away and she chuckled and once the priest had finally shut the fuck up, asking me if I do I without a doubt or second thought or hesitation crossing my mind said,

 

"I do." And when I said that she began to cry more, smelling her flowers and covering her mouth as she heard the priest starting up and asking her, now it was her turn to say it.

"Yes, I do." She shook her head and Mike brought us our rings, I took hers which I had gotten on such short notice with months of savings from shows and work, it had cost me $3,200 and I could tell she had loved it. I placed it on her finger as easy as I could and it was a perfect fit, she then took mine which was just a simple silver band, but I hadn't mind. I didn't want anything special, and she put it on my finger and the priest said, "I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now kiss the bride."

 

I picked her up, swinging her around and as her dress flew around everywhere and I heard her laughing, felt her smiling into my neck, I knew our life together had officially started. Once I put her down we shared a kiss, it was long and she gripped my shoulder, bouquet in the other hand and she just would not let me go, and that fact made me glad. We went over to the little area of the patio we had set up for us to perform and grabbed the neck of my guitar, pulling her next to me and beginning to sing to her. She looked at me with such love in her eyes, so much wonder and just everything good you could think of. How could anything, any part of this or her be bad? I knew that this right here is what I wanted for the rest of my life, is her and she was the only thing, the only one I'd ever need.

 

Beginning to strum my guitar as she stared at me, hands covering her face and tears still filling her eyes and running down her cheeks. I played a little song I called '2000 Light Years Away' for her, which I had written while on tour. She groped my arm and kissed me as I was singing, running her hands through my hair and clawing at the back of my neck. I smiled into the kiss and she did the same, we laughed at each other and finally she was my one and only Mrs.Armstrong.

 

Once the song had ended she turned around to the crowd of people, me included and threw her bouquet of roses. Jess had caught them and Mike was standing next to her, laughing and rubbing her shoulders, kissing her cheek. I went up to Serenity and picked her up bridal style, taking her into the house and sitting her down on the couch next to me, staring at her, my hands in hers and telling her about the apartment her dad had gotten us. Her jaw fell and she hugged me, wanting to race upstairs and immediately pack everything and go to it. I stopped her, pulling her back outside, pointing to the gift table where the cake was.

 

She led me over to the table and began to cut the first piece but instead took a big chunk of it and threw it at me.

 

"Oh you are so going to get it!"

"Come get me birthday boy!" She chuckled and I picked up a glob of cake, throwing it back at her and she scoffed. I picked her up over my shoulder and she tore at my tux, begging for me to put her down and I heard the laughter in her voice. I put her down and it was time for us to share our first dance, I wasn't the best but I knew we'd take it slow. They began to play Elvis and I chuckled, remembering back to Halloween when I went as Elvis and she had gone as Priscilla.

 

I took her hand in mine, pulled her feet onto mine as well and we began dancing, she raised her eyebrows at me as if she was trying to tell me something. I shushed her before she could say anything by kissing her and she placed her head on my shoulder, hand on my middle back and I could just tell she had been smiling. This day was the most beautiful day of my life, nothing could ever top it, make it better, nothing. The only thing I ever needed and ever will need is for a fact, Serenity. 

 

Once it was all over we all went inside and Serenity pulled me upstairs, beginning to pack our stuff and I began to help. I pulled all of my shit into a bag as she did but into a suitcase. She took her heels off and got her straightener and curling iron, her makeup and everything of the sort. I went over to her as she looked at herself in the mirror, hands snaking around her waist and I pulled her dress up, running my hands up her thigh.

 

My hand traveling up and under her panties as the other clutched one of her tits and she leaned back against me, moaning and pulling at my hair. I stopped myself, this isn't how I wanted our sex to be for the first time after we had gotten married. I went back to packing and she did as well, but kept trying to persuade me to have sex. I refused and she finally gave up, we got all of our clothes and whatever else she needed. I held her hand and we exited the room that was now no longer ours, but I knew we'd be back for our furniture. We said our goodbyes to everyone and she hugged Jess and I thanked her mum for allowing me and Mike to stay here even though she somehow had no idea and even if she did, she didn't mind.

 

I went over to Serenity's dad and shook his hand, thanking him for the opportunity of the apartment and the car and marrying his daughter, just everything. He was a good man. I went over to Jess and kissed her cheek, as Mike pulled me off of her and I just held my hands up in the air, surrendering. I went back over to Serenity and I noticed she had been holding my guitar, I took it from her and went out to the car, putting our luggage in the trunk. Her suitcases, my bags, my guitar and I almost forgot my amp.

 

Running to the backyard and lugging it through the house and back out to the car, placing it in the backseat as I situated everything in, finally getting into the car. I looked at where the apartment had been and memorized the location, I knew where it had been. She held my hand the entire way there, and every time at a stop light or sign we shared a kiss.

 

Pulling up to the apartment building and got everything out of the car, coming around and wrapping my arm around her and then holding the door open for her. She smiled at me, giggling behind such a beautiful smile that captivated me. As I stared at her I almost tripped over my feet but she caught me, I chuckled and we made our way over to the front desk. Our names were registered and they gave us our apartment key, telling us we were on the fourth floor, I smiled and thanked him.

 

"Hey wait, are you two the ones who had the apartment bought by Robert Powell? The two newly weds?" He asked.

"Yeah, thats us." I said while nodding and he took us towards the apartment, we followed closely behind and got onto the elevator. Serenity looked over at me with a puzzled look on her face and she clutched my hand, unsure of what was going on, just as freaked out as I was. 

 

The elevator opened and we got out, following him to our apartment. He unlocked it and when we stepped inside we gazed around at the atmosphere, eyes widening. We looked around at all the furniture and realized that not only had Serenity's dad given us an apartment, he gave us the rest of our lives. I set my amp down and Serenity came over to me, hugging me. I picked her up again and kissed her, her arms wrapped around my neck.

 

"Yeah well, whatever your correlation is with Robert Powell you two are pretty damn lucky, he had contractors in here trying to get it all set up and nicely done by today. Congratulations by the way." I set Serenity down and she went over to the man.

"He's uh my dad, thank you so much, here's some money for your time." She handed him $50 and I came up behind her, putting my hand on her shoulder and she looked back at me. We smiled at the man and he just gleamed at the money as if he couldn't or didn't want to take it, but we insisted. He told us this was going to pay for dinner for him and his wife that night and we gave him our condolences and told him if he ever needed help to come to us. He smiled and shut the door, and as he did Serenity turned to me.

 

I went over to the fridge and saw he put champagne in the fridge, I moved it out of the way and saw whiskey which was way better. I got some glasses out and poured myself a shot as Serenity poured herself a glass of champagne. We cheered and toasted and slugged them back together, she washed the dishes once we were done.

 

Afterward we gave ourselves our own little tour of our new apartment, the kitchen attached to the living room, which was huge. One of the walls completely made out of windows and the hallway attached to it was as well. We went down that hallway to find our bedroom, a closet, and a bathroom, if you went back towards the living room on the left side there was another bedroom and bathroom. The paint job was exquisite and it was the colour of Serenity's eyes, baby blue. The kitchen was yellow, our bedroom kind of a beige colour the bathrooms were green and if anything Serenity and I could always paint it if we wanted a change. I watched as Serenity sat herself on the couch and I was behind her, clearing my throat and adjusting my sleeves, coming to join her.

 

She tugged me by the collar of my shirt and slammed her lips against mine, wet, sloppy and heavy kisses. They were full of genuine love and lust and I knew what we were doing, but I wanted to take it slow this time. I wanted to really honor the contours of her body and express my ultimate gratitude and love for her.

 

* * *

 

 

*Serenity's POV*

 

Billie was gliding his hands up and down my body and it was so enjoyable, he was taking it slowly and I knew exactly why. Our first time as a married couple was important - it was special and I wanted it to be the most amazing experience. I wanted it to last for hours and I knew he did too. The kisses began to slow down and eventually he went lower, kissing around my jawline then to my neck, my collarbones and soon my chest. I pulled at his hair and pushed him back onto the couch.

 

"Let me give you your birthday present." I said as his breath hitched and I slowly began to run my hands up and down his torso, unbuttoning his jacket and his shirt, untying his bow tie and discarding it all. I began to kiss his neck and I heard his breathing hitch, then down to his collarbones and just touching him with my lips left me ecstatic. I left hickeys as gently and slowly as I could, sucking on his skin and biting on the parts I left hickeys, kissing them after to soothe them. His hands traveled from my thighs to my hips up to my back. He dug his fingers into my shoulders and I knew he was beginning to get harder, only wanting to beg.

 

I kissed further down his torso but also did it as slow as I could, I wanted to make this last. I loved the feeling we got from each other, it was perfect and nothing could replace it. I ran my lips down his sides and along his pants line, kissing his hips and torturing him even more. He laid down on the couch and I climbed on top of him, smirking up at him. Unbuttoning his suit pants and tugging them off of him as he kicked his shoes off along with his socks. I tossed those onto the floor with the rest and kissed up his thighs, running my lips up them and back to his hips, kissing them.

 

Finally pulling down his boxers and wrapping my lips around his hard cock and he pulled my hair back, clawing at the fabric of the couch and although this was new, it now had tears in it from him ripping so hard. I sucked slowly to make it last longer and be more enjoyable for him, wrapping my hand around him and pumping him more into my mouth and I heard him moaning louder and louder as I continued.

 

He screamed out my name and finally we could be as loud as we wanted to be and it felt good to know that we were finally all to ourselves. I felt Billie come into my mouth and I sat back up, wiping off my mouth and going over to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water and chugging it down. Thats when Billie came over to me and spun me around to face him, placing me on the counter and grinding into me. I grabbed his hair and threw my head back, as he picked me up off of the cold counter and wrapped my legs around his waist, holding me up and walking down the airy hallway, into our bedroom. He dimmed the bedroom by closing the blinds and shutting the door, crawling onto the bed and sitting me on his lap.

 

As I did he looked at me with his piercing emerald eyes and as he did I lost myself in them, lost myself in him.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billie's POV*

 

I had Serenity pulled onto my lap and ran my hands up her back, sliding the zipper down her and she began to slide out of her wedding dress. I remember we left my suit a mess on the floor of our new living room and remembered that Mike and Tré would be coming over soon. I tried to hurry but also take it as slow as I could, putting her dress onto the floor and sat up, leaning her body against mine. I wrapped my arms around her and held her, she fell into me and hugged me back tightly. I slid my hands up her back and began to undo her bra and she pulled it off, tossing it onto the floor.

 

Hands touching each other as she slid one down to her waist and the other on her thigh and I rubbed it as she leaned her forehead against mine, kissing me as her hands clutched my face and I pulled her closer by her hips, she began grinding into me and I pulled myself on top of her. She wiggled out of her thong and I smirked at her, just at one look at her body. I kissed down from her pristine outlined collarbones down to her fluffy tits, her ribs and then to the middle of her stomach, down to her hips. Torturing her as much as she tortured me.

 

She clutched my hair as I kissed her thighs and her hipbones, finally delving my tongue into her and every bit of her body was smooth. I reached up and groped her tit as I slid two of my fingers into her with my free hand and she clutched the sheets, clawing at my shoulders. I picked up speed and as I did I felt her digging her nails not only into me but into the sheets as well. Hearing her gasp and moan, screaming my name but I also heard someone opening our apartment door, forgetting I hadn't locked it.

 

I focused more so on her rather than the intruders, pleasing her and myself, feeling her come and as she did I heard a knock on our bedroom door, I jerked up and stared at the door. Pulling the blanket over myself and opening the door to reveal Mike and Tré and I sighed of relief. They stared at me as my hair was a mess and I was sweaty and the winked at me, giving me a thumbs up and no words were exchanged but they had known what was going on. They patted me on my shoulder and walked back down the hallway, sitting in our living room and turning on our TV to drown out our grunts and moans.

 

Going back over to the bed where Serenity had been waiting for me, pulling myself on top of her once again and as she spread her legs, wrapping them around my waist, clawing at my back and nodding I pressed myself into her, going slowly but beginning to pick up speed. We noticed two hours had gone by and we wondered how, but instead of paying attention to the time we payed attention to each other. I thrust myself into her more and more, going as deep as I could and she let out moans over and over. It was amazing to hear how loud I made her moan and scream, it made me want her even more. I ran my hands along her body and she looked up at me with her desirable blue eyes, and I bit her neck as I thrust into her more and more. She then screamed so loud as she came and I did as well and after that we laid there, sticky and cuddling.

 

Her arm wrapped around my torso and she laid out on my left arm, head on my chest and cuddling me. I kissed her sweaty head and I eventually pulled her off of the bed and we went into the bathroom that was in the hallway, slamming the door and beginning to shower together. I lathered her body in soap and she did the same for me, soon running my hands through her hair and pulling her head back, pushing her against the wall of the shower and we kissed intensely. We shared more and more as we play fought with the shower head, I sprayed it on her whenever it got cold and she did it to me when it was steaming hot. We laughed and realized we had no clothes, but there had been towels hanging up.

 

Pulling them on ourselves as we exited the bathroom and went into the living room where Mike and Tré had been sat on my couch and I raised my eyebrows at them.

 

"You really want to sit there?" I said, laughing and they got off of the couch with disgusted looks on their faces. I went over to the floor by the couch and picked up my tux piece by piece. I noticed Serenity scrounging around for something to wear in her suitcase and I smiled at her, coming over to her and wrapping my arms around her, hugging her from behind and she looked back at me, kissing me and giggling into the kiss.

 

She pulled something else out of her bag but I couldn't tell what it is and I watched her as she went back to the bathroom and I went over to my bag, getting out a change of clothes. Pulling out my necklace and sluggers shirt with my chain, sliding into a pair of boxers and then my jeans, and grabbing an under shirt. I retreated to the bathroom and stared at her as she was holding a stick in her hand.

 

Looking at me she said, "I'm pregnant."


	12. Chapter 12

*Serenity's POV*

 

I began to panic, feeling something not only in my stomach but my chest this time, I began heaving and cried out to Billie who was standing right in front of me, still dressing himself, "What are we going to do!?"

"I don't know okay, look, we'll have it okay we'll have the fucking baby. We'll be great parents okay!? We can do this, I promise, I swear to god Serenity, I will be around for you and this kid if it is the last thing I do." He stressed and ran his hands through his hair, I still wasn't dressed when I heard Mike and Tré rush in through the door and cluttered around us, I suppose they had been eavesdropping, or just heard us yelling.

"Whoa what is going on!?" Mike said and I ran my fingers through my hair, placing my head in my hand and beginning to cry. Mike and Tré exited and Billie began to dress me.

"You're still going to love me even when I'm fat? Even when I have stretch marks?"

"Serenity - I didn't marry you because you have a great body, those things are not important to me and never have been - I could care less about people's appearances. I mean look at me, you married someone who has had dreads, has a fucking nose piercing, and I'm not even that high up on the attractive scale, you really think I'd care or even tell you in the slightest what to do with your body? Look, if you don't want to keep it, then don't, but please from me or even for me, do I want to be a father. I really, truly do. I've wanted a family with you, this right here is the rest of our lives." He said, pushing a strand of hair out of my face and kissing my forehead.

 

Finishing dressing me as he opened the door for me and we walked out of the bathroom, into the living room where we joined Mike and Tré who refused to sit on the sofa and we just laughed, taking a seat where I had just given Billie head and I bit my lip, looking over to Billie. He clutched my hand as we watched MTV, smiling and laughing at some of the shows but others were pretty lame.

 

"So whats the big news you aren't telling us?" Mike asked as we heard a knock on the door, Mike got up to answer it.

I breathed in heavily and looked at Billie for reassurance, nodding at him and he did back at me and as Mike opened the door I said, "I'm pregnant."

 

Thats when I heard Jess scream and run over to me jumping up and down with excitement and I looked up at her, smiling and she couldn't contain herself at all.

 

"We have to go out and celebrate!" Jess screamed. I ran my hand through my hair and looked over at Billie.

"I think we're uh just going to stay here for tonight, Jess." Billie said, "We have to get used to it all." She nodded and sat herself down, but she couldn't sit still due to all the excitement. I rolled my eyes and told her to carry on and she immediately shot up out of the chair and practically raced over to sit next to me, feeling my stomach.

 

We talked about everything as Billie went off with Mike and Tré for celebratory drinks and I sat at home with Jess, stressed out beyond belief that I now had a human life inside of me growing, that I was responsible for. I sighed and went over to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water, slugging it down. I wasn't ready to bring a child into this world, was I? I'm only 18 and so is Billie, we weren't ready or emotionally or mentally or even financially capable of bringing this baby into the world. I chugged down more water and ran my hand through my hair, leaning over the counter.

 

I thought about how I was already so unhappy with my body and how it was only going to get bigger. I wanted to cry, I didn't know what to do, if I aborted it I knew I'd be shamed and Billie would be so sad and disappointed and I know he didn't want to think about any of this but, I was afraid. That was the gods honest truth to it all was that I was afraid it wouldn't turn out, it would be stillborn, or it wouldn't like me or something. I was tired and sighed, going over to the couch and I curled up into a warm blanket as Jess made me some chicken noodle soup and I heard the boys push through the door.

 

They all ran down the hallway of the apartment complex and I wrapped my arms around my legs as Jess brought me the soup and I began to eat it. She told me all about pregnancy and what I was supposed to eat and to do and not to eat and do, and I asked her how she had known so much. Her mum gave her a whole handy guide to being pregnant, but then again it always depends because some of us are different than others. It was February so I was counting how many months it'd be until the baby would be due, and it added up to October. Late October that is, maybe early November.

 

Sighing again as I set the cup of hot soup on the coffee table and ran a hand through my hair, leaning on my hand as my elbow perched on my knee. I stared at Jess as she went on and on about how if we ever needed a sitter she'd be there for us if anything along the way went horribly wrong or anything along those lines. I didn't want to think about the bad things, the fact I could miscarry or it could be stillborn or anything of that sort because I had decided without a doubt crossing my mind that I wanted this baby.

 

I would love this baby endlessly whether it was a boy or a girl, whether it was straight, gay, whatever he or she is I would love them for who they are. I knew Billie would as well and we would always support them as best we can and that Billie would want to be there for them. Ah Billie, I was so proud of him, of his band and how far they had come. They made me more and more proud each and every day, even if this whole band thing didn't take off I knew I'd still be by his side supporting him each and every day in every way I could even think of because I loved him. I didn't love him for only one thing, I wasn't in it for the fame or the money that might come along the way. I was in it for the experience, the excitement, him.

 

He was my ecstasy, he was my complete and full own personal drug and I could never get enough of him or who he is. He took my breath away with everything he did and said, both in a good and bad way. He made my heart soar in ways I didn't even know were possible, a pick at his guitar, the sound of him breathing, coughing, sneezing or snoring or just - anything, it had me head over heels to know that he was real and that he was mine. To know that he didn't have eyes for anyone else.

 

He had been gone for about 2 hours and thats when we got a call, "Um Serenity?"

"Yes Billie?" I said in a loving voice, it was good to hear his.

"C-can you come pick us up? We're too drunk to drive."

"How did you even manage to get booze? You're - ugh forget it, I'm on my way! Where are you?"

"The uh - Albatross Pub."

"Okay okay." I said and hung up the phone, hurrying for my keys and Jess followed, knowing she'd have to drag Mike and Tré home in Mike's car. We rushed down the stairs to the main floor and I reminded myself I had to be more careful now since I had a life growing inside of me and that my husband, their dad was off getting drunk. I sighed as we slammed through the doors of the first floor and rushed down the hall to the exit and I waved at the doorman, smiling and getting into Billie's car, buckling up.

 

The pub he was at was about a half an hour away and I sighed as we reached each red light, feeling myself twitching it my seat. Today was just so long and it wasn't even over and I wanted it to be. A wedding, some nice ass love making, pregnancy and now my drunk husband all in one day? Maybe we needed a honeymoon, I'll suggest it to him when he's sober.

 

Pulling up to the pub as Jess and I ran out of the car, into the building and I found Billie in the sea of faces and people. I spotted him trying to rough it up with a guy as everyone circled around them and I stepped in, pulling him away from the larger man. I pulled his arm over my shoulder and walked as he slugged next to me out of the bar.

 

He was so drunk that I had to drag him away from the bar and bring him onto a bench near a trashcan to vomit. When he was done, he was upset and we just sat there in silence. Still drunk and hesitant, he pointed his finger at a star straight above our heads and he sloppily managed to say, "That is the star my father dedicated to me and it has always been mine. But from now on it will be yours too, if you want. Its name is Andy Joe and every time you will look at it in any situation, any moment you will know that I'm there near to you gazing at how beautiful you are. I will always be there, I promise, I will gaze at you from Andy Joe. And even the contrary because its our star, just ours, a star that belongs to two idiots who fell in love and one of them puts up with a drunken one for some reason."

 

I was shocked and had some feeling in my stomach, I knew his words were sincere but in that moment we began to laugh. I held his hand and kissed his lips which tasted so bitter but I didn't care, I wanted him in every way I knew how. His arm wrapped around my shoulder again, occasionally he rubbed my back as we kissed under our star, Andy Joe. I picked him back up off of the bench and we went over to his car and I put him in the passenger seat.

 

We drove back and the entire time Billie kept trying to put his hands on mine, or pulled strands of hair out of my face, just to admire my supposed beauty. I wasn't the prettiest girl in the world and I knew Billie could leave me at any moment for someone better, someone prettier. Clutching my stomach at a stop light I sighed and looked over at Billie who eventually passed out on the way back.

 

Arriving at the place we now called home I pulled myself out of the car and threw up on the ground next to it and Billie pulled himself out of the car, rushing over to me and holding my hair back, running his free hand over my body. He shushed me and told me I was going to be okay because he was there and it was all okay and nothing could hurt them. He picked me up once I was done and I looked at him, wiping my mouth with my sleeve and feeling woozy as he got into the elevator and tapped his foot.

 

The doors sliding open as we got onto our floor and he banged the door open with his foot, rushing into our bedroom that was still a mess and placing me down on our bed. Watching him exit to get some water, one for the both of us and together we chugged it back. Picking me up once again and taking me to the bathroom so we could brush our teeth. As I was brushing them he finished and moved my hair out of my face, kissing my neck.

 

Billie helped me back to our bed and just by the first night of my pregnancy I could tell this was going to be a long one.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billie's POV*

 

Waking the next morning and rubbing my eye with the palm of my hand, having a massive hangover and slumping out of bed, somehow managing to make my way to the kitchen without bumping into anything and leaning against a wall, watching Serenity make some coffee while wearing only her robe. She turned towards me and gave me a once over, looking at my messy hair and examining my body, raising her eyebrows in a seductive manner.

 

Chuckling I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her, bringing her lips to mine and we kissed so intensely that I felt fire going on between our lips, some kind of friction. We happened to be kissing for so long and so fiercely that she dropped a cup of coffee she had made as I picked her up and placed her onto the counter. Listening to the glass break but neither of us had cared, she ran her hands through my hair, tangling them in the sweaty mess and as she had been making me harder by the second I remembered I wasn't going to get laid for 9 months.

 

We were going to go to the doctor today to be sure for a fact, without a doubt she was pregnant or not. Once she pulled away from our kiss I pulled her down off of the counter and she began to clean the mess, but I told her not to worry about it and to go and get ready for the day. Hair, makeup, getting dressed all that and she agreed, biting her lip and clutching my biceps, spanking me and running off to our room. I laughed and shook my head as I got a broom and mop, sweeping all the bits of glass and mopping up the coffee so it didn't stain the hardwood.

 

Running off to join Serenity once I was done and closing the bedroom door, walking up behind her and picking her up as gentle as I could, spinning her around and I heard her laugh. She had been pantsless but still had underwear on and was wearing one of my shirts, thats when we decided to start getting matching clothes. Listening to her giggle as I set her back down and she threw me a pair of jeans and a shirt and one of them landed on my head and she turned to me, laughing harder than before. I shook it off and it landed on the floor, picking it up and putting it over my head and slipping into my pants as she did as well. I got a pair of chuck taylors and she got a pair of flats and we happily walked out to our car.

 

Everything was ours now, it wasn't just hers or mine it wasn't just one person, we were now a whole. We were now an item and everything now had been labeled into ours, we were no longer two separate people we were now what people considered to be love and I didn't ever want to be only one person again. I opened the car door for her and she got into the passenger seat, smiling at me and thanking me. I closed my eyes and sarcastically smiled at her and I heard her laugh as I slammed her door shut. Sliding across the hood to my side and opening and slamming my door so fast it made Serenity gasp, I laughed at her reaction and I started the car, driving to the hospital.

 

Serenity always laughed at the way I drove and I rolled my eyes because I was so little but at the same time I had to bend forward to see the street signs. I scoffed at her and she apologized and I looked at her with an attitude on my face, and she chuckled and I did as well and I saw the hospital, it was just down the street from us now.

 

Pulling into the parking lot as I got out and rushed over to Serenity's side before she could even unbuckle her seat belt, opening the door for her and jokingly saying "M'lady." She giggled into her hand at that and I took her hand in mine and we excitedly went into the doctors office. I held the door open and she smiled at me, laughing and going inside, holding the second door open for me and I thanked her, we laughed as we went up to the registration desk and asked about a doctor that Jess had recommended for all of Serenity's checkups on her baby. The nurse had known Serenity and they shared jokes, they knew each other through Jess, surprise surprise. Jess was going to school this upcoming or next fall to become a doctor, so she hung out at the hospital a lot and went to medical camp a lot of her past summers.

 

The nurse eventually escorted us down to the doctor and let us into their room, we smiled hopefully and kissed upon entering as she laid out on the bed. The doctor began to introduce herself, shaking Serenity and I's hands and began on putting some sort of liquid on Serenity's belly. I had no idea how any of this worked so I just sat across the bed from the doctor and watched the screen on the monitor, sitting here patiently as she reassured me it was a slow process. Serenity jerked at the liquid because it was cold and I grasped her hand, she clutched mine so fucking hard I thought she was going to rip it off.

 

My eyes widened as I still stared over at the monitor, looking back at Serenity and smiling at her. I moved the hair out of her face and stood up, kissing her forehead. She smiled back at me and looked completely tired from the day before, plus she stayed up late and didn't get much sleep. I knew this was going to be a long journey, but I also knew I'd be by her side through it all and another thing I knew was that it was all going to be worth it. We were going to have a kid together and it was exciting.

 

Our heads both darted over in the direction of the monitor at the same time and she gasped, clasping her free hand around her mouth and beginning to cry. Whatever it was, it was in there as the doctor began circling around it with her hand, showing us it was really in there. I began to tear up and grasp Serenity's hand harder and harder and as I did I began crying so much so that my vision blurred. I couldn't believe it, I could not believe I was going to have a kid and most of all, with the woman I love, the woman I adore. I never thought we'd make it this far, with all the doubt in my mind - I was sure she was going to leave me. But she didn't, somehow she was still here and thats all that mattered.

 

I pulled myself off of the chair and began walking around the room, wiping my face with my hand and I stared at Serenity, laying on the bed with her mascara running down her cheeks and I just looked at how beautiful she was, and I knew even then she was going to be the best mother I could ever ask for. I adored her and always have and always will, and I knew that this baby was our key to the good life, whether my stupid band and I made it big or not. That didn't matter, none of it did, only her and this baby did.

 

Sitting back down next to her and holding her hand, glancing up at her under my messy hair. "My hands smell like nicotine and I'm sorry that I'm not one of those boys with a pretty mind and knowledge just sprouting from my head down to my feet, and I've just got a cigarette between my fingers and tears in my eyes." And I think with that being said she could tell I was being sincere, she cupped my chin and pulled my lips to hers and that was the kiss that seemed like forever, that reassured me that none of it mattered and we were in this together, forever.

 

It was then and there that I realized I was completely infatuated with her. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I knew I wasn't just a passing fancy to her, I wasn't just someone she was 'in love' with for the moment, I wasn't just a summer love, I was HER love, for now and forever. She wasn't going to cut me out and I knew that before she gave her body she must have gave me her thoughts, her mind, her dreams. And I was lucky enough to have gotten all of those.

 

Realization washed over me, fuck, I was going to be a goddamn dad.


	13. Chapter 13

*Serenity's POV*

 

I was about 5 1/2 months into my pregnancy and I felt large, but I knew I was only going to get bigger. Today was the day Billie came home from his tour he went on two months ago. I was excitedly waiting by the apartment complex's front entrance all day, waiting to surprise him. Since he'd seen me I had gotten such a bigger tummy and I knew he'd be ecstatic. I was going to suggest to him we go on a honeymoon since we never did.

 

We sadly never had the money for it, paying for the apartment and other bills plus groceries and Billie's manager always had to find some source of money to book the venues. Others always welcomed Billie, they eventually became regulars where they had their first show that Billie had taken me to. I always came out to that one and Billie always brought me onstage, mostly because he didn't want me getting hurt in the crowd. I told him I could handle it but I just didn't know about our baby.

 

This month we were to find out the gender of the baby but I wanted to wait for him to get back. I was so excited I couldn't stand still in the entrance of the building as the doorman and I began to converse. He talked to me about how his wife and him were expecting a baby as well but she was only about 2 weeks in. I gave him a lot of tips and told her she'll be really hormonal and have a lot of mood swings. I told him what food to buy and what signs to look out for if she was in danger of losing the baby, always help her up and down the stairs, etc, things like that. Basic things.

 

I had spoken to my dad about going on vacation, or honeymoon, and he gave me money for the entire trip. Booked our flight and reserved a hotel for us and everything. I saw Jess burst through the door and she came over to me, eyeing how big I had gotten. I laughed and we squealed and jumped around together. We hadn't been this excited since we graduated together and it sucks Billie had to miss it but he still somehow managed to get his diploma. I was so proud of everyone of us because we all had made it through school, somehow someway. I was bullied tremendously once I began to show and people spread nasty rumors about me but I didn't care about any of it because all that mattered was Billie and our baby.

 

All I could keep thinking about was Billie and how good he was going to look stepping out of the bus and god - I had to leave my thoughts there because I heard the tires screeching as Jess and I hid in the main entrance so he didn't see us. We stared at each other giggling and shushing each other as I saw him opening the glass door I held my breath. I silently walked towards him as he caught up with the doorman and just to hear his voice made me want to melt then and there, made me stop in my tracks once I was right behind him. I tapped his shoulder and he turned to me, eyes widening as he just stared at me and nothing else mattered. At that moment there was nothing else, there was just Billie and I. Wrapping my arms around my neck as I leaned forward and kissed his lips that tasted like nicotine and booze but none of that mattered because he was here and he was okay and that is all that mattered.

 

Gleaming at my tummy as he got down on his knees and ran his hand across it, kissing it and I laughed because it tickled. I pulled my shirt back over it and thats when Mike and Tré walked in as he had his arm wrapped around a girl and I just looked at Billie with a happy expression on my face. Someone had finally tied Tré down and I think that is what surprised us all. I watched as Jess snuck up on Mike and he turned around and got the happiest look on his face, jaw dropping and she leaped into his arms as he picked her up and spun her around.

 

We all laughed and went over to the elevator, Billie's arm still wrapped around me as we sat in the back of the elevator. I leaned over and began kissing him, which turned into a full out make-out session and once we heard the elevator ding we returned back to earth. We exited and I held his hand, dragging him to our apartment and unlocking the door.

 

I stared at Billie as he put his bag down and took it all in again, as if it was unreal or wasn't his home, I smiled and laughed at him as I leaned against the couch and he came over to me, clutching my face in his hands and kissing me as hard as he could. I wasn't looking or even feeling hot - I was just wearing a tank top with some shorts and my hair in a bun, but somehow he still thought I was beautiful. It was summer so I opened up all the blinds and let the hot sun gleam into our apartment as Billie got himself situated. I came and sat next to him and leaned into him as he wrapped his arm around me and they all began sharing stories about being on tour.

 

We all looked over at Gwen, she was just this mysterious punk girl whom none of us besides them knew, Billie said she was cool and said that we'd get on really well so I should try and get to know her. They told us a story about how they lit a condom on fire and got kicked out of a hotel and Billie threw their TV out of the window. We all began laughing, even that Gwen girl. I wanted to be her friend I mean shit I even wanted to befriend Hazel.

 

I tried conversing with her, "So Gwen where are you from?"

"Oh I'm from Oregon."

"And you just left to be with Tré?" I asked.

She hesitated for a minute, "It isn't like there was anything there for me honestly, my family disowned me because of how I am and how I acted."

"Well I mean you're always welcome here, okay? We won't judge you or anything, I mean shit I'm fucking married at 18 and pregnant who am I to judge?" She laughed and I got up and went over to her. She was very pretty, had striking brown eyes with black hair and neon coloured streaks and she had a nice body. I felt a bit infuriated but when Billie looked over here he looked at me - it was if she didn't even exist in his eyes.

 

He got up and rushed over to me because he missed me, he lathered my face in sloppy, wet kisses and eventually they finally met my lips. He pulled me closer by my hips but was gentle as he remembered my tummy and he pulled away after awhile, still leaning his forehead on mine and his arm over me, against the wall. He was such a dirty boy, a smoke breathing boy with bony hands and veiny arms. With a sunken chest and an adams apple. He had sleepless eyes and high cheekbones that weren't prominent under all the baby fat he still had, he had bendy thumbs and crooked nails. He was the type of boy with front swooping fringes and a shaved neck, the beginnings of stubble on his chin. He was a boy with lanky limbs and awkward legs. Squinted eyes and pointy teeth. A dirty boy with smirks and cracked lips. And I loved it all, all of it, all of him.

 

Somehow under all that dirty he was still a well mannered boy who was into kinky shit behind closed doors. He was a respectful boy who would spank you until you're bruised. He was a calm boy who only lost it if someone else touched me, even his best friends. I don't know what it was about him but maybe it was just him, I don't know what it was about him that drove me to him but it sure as hell was something.

 

"So Billie," I began, running my fingers along his jawline and he pulled my lips to his once again as I clutched the collar of his shirt, pulling him in tighter and harder. His hands traveled down to my waist as he eventually stopped and pulled me by my hand to our bedroom, leaving our room full of friends. He sat down on the bed as I stood in front of him and he pulled my shirt off of me, throwing it onto the floor and he raised his eyebrows at the sight of my boobs that had gotten larger. He kissed my stomach slowly, gently and full of love.

"What is it baby?" I didn't know if he was talking to me but I suppose he was.

"What about a uhm, honeymoon?" I said and he looked up at me as if I was crazy.

"A honeymoon? To where? We don't have that kind of money I-" He started and I interrupted.

"My dad already booked it all, paid for everything and gave me money to get it converted-"

"We can't keep taking money from him."

"I know that, come on, we're still starting our lives and hardly have enough to get by, let him do this for us. It'll be good for us." I said and he held my hands, staring up at me and nodding.

"You're right, we didn't get anything to ourselves and haven't really had time to ourselves in a long time. When do we leave? Where are we going?"

"London-"

"England?" He asked with a shocked expression.

"Yeah, why?"

"Its just I've never been out of the country."

"You'll be fine." I said and I bent over to kiss him, cupping his cheeks before continuing, "We leave tomorrow." He nodded and I went over to the closet as he followed, retrieving a shirt for me and I thanked him as we kissed again, giggling into each other.

 

Putting the shirt back on as we exited the room and I was still doing up my newly given pants for the weight I was gaining. Billie grabbed his keys and Jess and Mike were the only two out here when we got back as we heard grunts going on in the guest room and we just stared at each other with disgusted looks on our faces. We hurried out the door, leaving Mike and Jess there and rushed over to the elevator. He clicked the number one and we just stared at each other in silence with love filled eyes. He smiled at me, and yeah, maybe he's bad, but when he smiles I only see the good in him.

 

Reaching out for my hand as I placed it in his and I took a deep breath in, stepping off of the elevator and going through the lobby like we always did. It was routine now, he opened the door for me and helped me into the car because in every way was Billie a sweetheart. I loved him for all that he is, all that he has been and all that he will be. He started the car and in the silence it began to rain and we didn't need anything else. Just that sound of the blissful, peaceful rain.

 

I stared at him in the bleak weather as the sun began to peak through the clouds and it outlined his beauty. The sun danced on his face and really made you appreciate all his features, it brought out the real side of him. His beauty, his everlasting illuminating amazing cracks in his face and on his chapped lips that even when they were, were just as enjoyable to kiss. Every aspect of him, of this man was just as enjoyable as they were when I had first saw him - when we had first met. And who knew, this boy that had just passed by me on the bus, that had the locker next to mine would one day be my husband, the father of my child. I didn't think we'd ever end up together or even last as long as we have. Placing my hand in his as all I did on the way to the hospital was admire him, and lean over and kiss him, which he hated while driving.

 

We arrived at the hospital and as always he came around the car to open my door and helped me out since I was getting bigger and my back was hurting more and more. I knew I was only to get bigger and I hated that fact but I just had to live with it. Since our first hospital visit he opened the first door for me and I the second. We always had the same doctor and knew where exactly to go by now, usually Billie just ran around the hospital being crazy, doing crazy antics as the doctor told me everything I needed to do and I gave him the full report afterwards. But, this time Billie wanted to be with me, to find out the gender of our unborn baby and I was excited he was taking this seriously and wanted to be there.

 

Entering the ever so cold doctors office as I laid down on the freezing bed, shivering where I lay and Billie took my hand, rubbing my arm for reassurance. I nodded at him as I lifted my shirt and just as before the doctor put cold liquids on my stomach and I tried not to jerk as I felt Billie's hand clasp hard around mine. Smiling at me as I did the same to him and we stared at the monitor once again and the doctor examined it very closely and thoroughly. He looked back at us with an excited look on his face as if he had been entirely too happy for us, a young couple he didn't even have to serve.

 

"So?" Billie said and I looked at him and back at the doctor.

"What is it, is everything okay?" I panicked while managing to choke that out.

"Yes, yes of course, I have good news for you both, and that news is is that you're having a baby boy!" He said that and my eyes began to fill with tears and I looked over at Billie and his were as well, we hugged and shed tears onto each others shoulders. He looked at me behind his tear filled eyes and grasped my shoulders, then my hands to help me off of the bed.

"We're having a baby boy Billie!" I screamed and my eyes filled with more and more tears as I wrapped my arms around him and he did to me as well, grabbing me as tight as he could. He wiped the tears from my eyes as he pulled away and I thanked the doctor, exiting the room.

 

Going back out to the car as we had decided to go to the park to enjoy this beautiful day, Billie's eyes were full of hope and gleam and he was oh so very excited now. I think he'd be excited either way but he certainly was ready for our baby to come and as he reached out for my hand I took it without hesitation. He smiled at me as we pulled up and parked next to our destination.

 

The same routine every time and honestly I don't think I could ever get sick of it. He lead me over to a bench and I leaned onto his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around me, giving me forehead kisses. We curled our hands together and sat in the park for what seemed like forever, just gazing at each other, other people, the sky or the shops across the street. Laughing and remembering old stories, sharing embarrassing ones. I told him about the time I had gotten the cops called on me because I had red hair and my idiotic neighbors thought my dogs had attacked me and I was bleeding from my head. He told me about the first time he had smoked weed and that his friends hadn't cleaned the piece, causing him to inhale ashes and throw up. All these good times, all these bad ones, embarrassing ones, sad ones, whatever they were, they were still good because all the while I was with him. He made the bad ones mold into good ones and that is all that matters.

 

As we sat on the bench I leaned closer into him thinking about all the new memories we were going to make together. We were going to have a kid together and spend the rest of our lives together, until death do us part. Hopefully that day didn't come for a long time so I tried turning my focus onto something else as we watched the kids roam around the park, looking for something or playing some sort of game. We laughed and I clutched his bicep, feeling how buff he was getting and I actually adored it. I didn't really mind when he wasn't muscular but something about it drove me to him more.

 

He picked me up off of the bench and even though I had weighed more it didn't stop him from carrying me so effortlessly. I watched as his veins became more prominent in his arms and I clutched his face between my hands, bringing his lips to mine and we kissed heavily, sloppily, and wet. It was just as nice as any other time I kissed him but this time ecstasy flowed through my body, a feeling no normal kiss would bring. I knew that he felt it too, in a way, his own way and with that we fell more in love with each other.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billie's POV*

 

Awaking early the next morning for some reason as I hadn't recalled why but I'd been doing it more so recently. Slugging out of bed and dragging myself to the bathroom, shutting the door slowly to not wake Serenity. I started the shower head and listened to it scream as the hot water ran down out of it, watching the steam rise. I remember we were supposed to be going on our honeymoon today and I immediately whipped my head up, making water run down from my head to my neck then back. I had to pack and so did she otherwise we were destined to miss our flight. I hurriedly lathered my body in shampoo and soap and turned the squeaky nozzle off.

 

Rushing out of the shower and into our bedroom, gripping Serenity's arm and shaking her gently, trying to wake her. She was always so grumpy when she woke up but that was something I adored, I always laughed at her about it. Rubbing her eyes she turned over and looked at me as I placed my hand on her stomach and she smiled at me as the sun began peaking behind the blinds and outlined her body, allowing me to see in the darkness. I could examine every part of her and she was in fact overwhelming. Just to see her, to smell her, to talk to her and to know that she was real it really made me want to lose it.

 

She pulled herself out of bed in a grumpy manor and I went over to the closet, pulling out her suitcase and beginning to pack it, making sure to bring whatever she needed and I remembered she had a list. I rushed over to the nightstand next to her and pulled it out, examining it and returning to the closet to pack. She didn't have a big wardrobe but to be safe we had to bring a lot of clothes that fit her more so now rather than when she was smaller. I went over to the bed and laid next to her, running my hands through her hair as she curled up on my shoulder.

 

The thought of her just made me want to go crazy because I was just completely infatuated with her and everything about her, she was immense in every way that was possible. She was the sound and the smell of the rain and how the rainbows always shined afterward, she brought colour and meaning to my hopeless, boring life and I could never thank her enough for that.

 

Of all the people I have kissed, she was my favourite because she didn't flinch when I curled my hand around her neck and tightened, she said, "I break the law because I've never broken a heart and I want to know what it feels like to be the brick not the window pane." When she's drunk she'll dress up for you, all straps and lace and stockings. When she's high she'll dress down for you, all skin and skin and skin.

 

Knowing that at one point those blue eyes sparkled brighter for a boy who wasn't me, it breaks my heart. But she was here now and she was with me and that is what mattered. I prepared for this trip by buying ounces of weed from John and I shook my head as I packed it all in my boxers because, legally, they couldn't pat me in that area, I knew they wouldn't check it and I needed it for my anxiety. I wish Serenity could smoke it so she'd calm down but I knew this was all temporary and after the baby we'd be both as grumpy having to wake up in the middle of the night to care for it. But that's the price we had to pay, but I knew I wanted this baby and she did too, we wanted a family with each other and that is all that really mattered.

 

She stared at me as I packed her things and ran rapidly about the room making sure I got everything on her and my list, checking things off as I went. She came up to me and told me to relax, pinning me up against the wall. She was dressed in a satin nightgown and it was very suggestive, making my eyes roll back into my head as it swam and I felt her lips come in contact with my skin on my neck - giving me a soothing sensation I had never felt before. I felt myself rub up against my pants and although we were having sexual encounters like this or if I was still childish I knew I was ready for the responsibility of a kid. Although I knew everyone was disappointed in me for my alcohol and drug addiction.

 

Sharing seductive stares as she weaved her lip between her teeth and I shook my head and she nodded, backing off. We had to get ready and she knew that too. I grabbed her hands and perched her on the frame at the end of the bed, kissing up her neck and whispering in her ear, "Sorry for smelling like cigarette smoke and staring at you all the time and laughing too loud and having a shaky voice when you tell me beautiful words that weren't made for people like me." She gasped and pulled me close into a hug, a reassuring loving hug and I knew she didn't like any of what I had just said.

 

 "I will cling to the jagged of your teeth, you will feel me with every word you speak, caress my fragile being with your tongue. But don't slur the lyrics of the songs you've sung, you have a beautiful voice and it's meant to be heard. So sing loud, let you voice whisper the words, scream the lyrics for all to hear. But keep the "I love you's" just for my ear." And as she let the words wisp out of her mouth I slammed my lips against hers and on that she reached behind me on the dresser where I had laid out an outfit for her for the day and she began to get ready. I stared at her as she managed to get into a pair of jeans and one of my larger baseball shirts. I dressed the same as I usually do, casual, and I helped her tie her shoes and I carried all her bagging as she only carried my carry on.

 

We left the apartment, turning off all the lights and water and other things like that and I made sure we had the keys, locking it. We held hands on our way to the elevator and we entered it, kissing while she hit the lobby button. We strolled through the lobby and as we were about to exit the doorman stopped us and made conversation.

 

"Where are you two off to?" He had asked.

We looked at each other with loving eyes as we Eskimo kissed and I looked back at the man as Serenity clutched my hand as tightly as she could, "We're off to the UK for our honeymoon." I said and stared at Serenity as she made conversation with the man and she smiled, laughed and all the while looked so good. She had her long, black hair back in a ponytail and some small earrings in her ears while her nose piercing had stuck out more than ever. I kissed her then and there right in front of the man and as we did the feeling was never greater.

"Oh fun! I have family there, they tell me it is lovely in the summer and late spring so its good you're going now," The man spurred out at us but he sounded drunk and then he continued, "Well I don't want to keep you, don't want you two to be late! Go on and get ya flight."

 

We laughed and said goodbye to the man as our hands collided again and I put all our luggage into the trunk and opened her door for her, leaning over to kiss her as she began to buckle herself in. I walked around to the side of the car and pulled myself into the car, buckling my seat belt as Serenity leaned over and her hands, cold, clutched my face as her lips, warm, touched mine and the kiss lasted for as long as I can remember.

 

Beginning to drive to the airport which was an hour away as we listened to The Sex Pistols and laughed as she looked through my cassettes, noticing I had Black Flag. She put them in and mimicked their guitar but in a gentle way, she was never too rough, not since she had gotten pregnant. Then I remembered, next year on her birthday she won't be pregnant and I knew exactly what I'd get her - a tattoo. She hadn't had any and well, she'd sure as hell look beautiful with them.

 

I kept the thought to myself as she eventually fell asleep in the passenger seat and the drive was slow and long, as it was early rush hour and everyone was going to work. Ugh, I hated traffic. I turned the radio on but put the volume on low because I didn't want to wake Serenity as I knew she'd be grumpy or have a headache or something along the lines of that, plus she needed her rest. She needed food, too. I realized we hadn't eaten anything and I was craving alcohol, cold turkey was beyond hard.

 

Cocaine was calling me and fuck did I want it so badly I was jumping out of my skin just to have it, just a single line of the shit. I tried to keep my cool because Serenity had no idea of my problem, and I didn't tell her. I knew I needed help but drugs and booze were the only things that made me feel sane, my mental health was fucking numb and if not that it was swollen and pulsating in my head, making my veins pop out and me want to scream. I never took my anger out on Serenity, I could never do that to her, she was worth so much more to me than these things that could ruin my life, or even worse, my relationship with her.

 

We pulled up to the airport and I nudged her and she stirred, pulling out her purse and I got out of the car, running around to her side to open her door for her and I helped her out, as she tugged on my hands and once she was standing beside me I slammed her door shut and went over to the trunk, pulling out the luggage and once again, giving her my carry on.

 

She pulled out the tickets and we held hands as we entered the airport, giving them our bags and Serenity kept our carry on as they had to check that before we got on the plane. Our flight took off in 5 minutes and we rushed over to the exit and gave them our tickets as they began to pat us down and I felt my anxiety rise but I knew I'd get away with it. I only had 3 bags of it and once they were done I somehow managed to get through that without pulling my hair out. They let me through and I was reunited with Serenity, holding hands as we got onto our plane and into first class, taking our seats as I put the carry on in the space above us.

 

As the minutes passed the plane began to take off and god did I hate planes, it didn't really help that Serenity did as well. We comforted each other the entire way across the US and Atlantic ocean. All I knew is that we were closer with every passing breath and every unheard I love you.


	14. Chapter 14

*Serenity's POV*

 

Months had passed and as we sat at home in our dingy apartment with Billie sat next to me, it made this all worth it, it made this all worth it. The waiting for his band to take off, rushing into getting married as soon as we turned 18, dealing with puking and sweats as my belly grew wider. His pill and alcohol addiction it was all worth it. We sat on the hot couch with the cold air whisping around us and pecking at my skin, creating goosebumps, I felt our son, Joseph kicking in my stomach and I doubled over in pain. I was wearing less and less clothes the bigger I got, as of now I was in a shirt and skirt.

 

Billie left my side to go make tea for me in the kitchen, dancing around to the music blaring off of MTV as he pounced back and forth on his feet with ease. He was such a terrible dancer it was actually adorable, how did we dance at our wedding again? Oh thats right, I lead hah. I'm not sure how as I was so clumsy, I still am. Winter was coming fast and our baby was due any day now, but thats when I felt it - my water break.

 

I looked at Billie with panic in my eyes as he just stared at me with the look of, "what?" played out across his facial expression and he looked down at the sofa and the floor, immediately slamming the cup of tea down and picking me up. Slinging my arm over his shoulder and my legs over one of his arms as he rapidly clicked on the elevator button to go to the first floor and I clutched at the collar of his shirt, experiencing the worst pain in my fucking life. I curled my toes and pulled myself into him, shrieking out in pain and as he listened to it I know he couldn't bear it.

 

We finally heard the elevator ding, somehow over my shrieking, as he rushed out of the exit of the building. Opening the car door and putting me in gently yet also hurriedly. I was yelling at him to hurry and get into the fucking car and as he did that he didn't pay attention to seat belts he wasn't thinking he just did. Putting the key in the ignition and starting the car as I heard the engine roar and he pulled off, going towards the direction of the hospital, knowing he'd call for the others on the phone when we got there.

 

I could feel myself nearly passing out, feel myself having lack of air but I tried to stay focused on our baby and making it to the hospital and I began to feel contractions, letting out more and more screams as the pain seared. Feeling myself sweating and everything aching, I knew my cervix was widening as it had to get ready for the baby. I hadn't thought of how I wanted the baby to come out but I knew not naturally, morphine or whatever the hell they use for pregnant women to help numb them to give birth would help. As we reached a stoplight Billie looked over at me and smiled, clutching my hand and all I could do really was smile back at him.

 

We pulled up to the hospital just as we had done in the previous months and as I got out of the car I watched Billie rush around to help me. He held the doors open to enter the hospital I listened to him scream, "My wife is going into labor we need some help over here!" And thats when the nurse slammed on a button that was for emergencies and I looked at him with fear in my eyes. I felt him let go of my elbow and I was pulled away on a stretcher from Billie and all I could feel was panic wash over me.

 

Being without him as of right now was not what was best for me in the slightest.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billie's POV*

 

Pacing back and forth in the lobby of the hospital as I slammed into the front desk and stared at the nurse, "Can I use your phone? Please? I have to call my friends and family - ma'am please." I was desperate for permission and she nodded, handing me the phone and I quickly dialed the number, Serenity's fathers number. I was biting my lip and my fingers as I heard him answer.

 

"Sir-" I said before he cut me off.

"What!? I'm in the middle of a business conference!" He shouted at me and I got this annoyed look on my face.

"Yes but its Serenity." I assured him.

"What about her?" He once again said harshly.

"She's in labor!" I shouted back at him, sick of his attitude.

"I don't give a fuck! I'm busy here at the office, she's 18 and grown now, she can handle herself!" He said and the last thing I heard was him slam the phone down but not on the receiver. I heard him continue talking to his business partners and what I heard fucking astounded me.

"What was that all about, Robert?"

"Nothing Phil just my useless good for nothing daughter who married some fucking loser, she's in labor."

"Aren't you going to go visit her?" I heard the same voice reply to her father.

"Fuck no! She's ungrateful enough as it is, what difference would it make if I was there?" I heard him and his partners laugh, I felt sick to my stomach as this feeling of hatred flowed throughout me. I got pissed off immediately and I slammed the phone down hard enough that the receiver fell off the desk and broke. I clutched my keys and grabbed my leather jacket off of the chair I had sat in and smashed through the doors once again as I got back into my car, the car her father had bought me.

 

Getting situated in my seat as I started the car and made my way to where her father worked, to his vast, large building and I had no fucking idea of where he was in there but I was sure as hell going to get some answers. I saw it from the hospital, just straight down the street and take a right then a left and as I was sure of where I was going I felt myself lose control, revving on the engine as the light finally fucking turned green. I rolled my eyes and sighed all along the way, putting one of my cassettes in the radio system and blaring Sex Pistols. I banged my head against the steering wheel as I somehow parked calmly outside his building.

 

I opened both his doors with my arms hung high and wide, pushing through both sets of doors and talking to the receptionist. I stared at her and asked, "So when does Mr. Powell's meeting end?" I raised my eyebrows and smirked at her as she just stared at my ratty clothes, tattoos and piercings. She said not for another hour and I asked if I could use her phone, she agreed to my surprise.

 

I immediately dialed Mike's number as fast as I could - knowing he'd be with Jess and possibly to my luck even Tré. I heard Mike answer and he was giggling with Jess and he asked, "Yeah, who's this?"

"Dude - it's Billie, go the fuck to the hospital Serenity's in labor! I'm currently at her father's office-"

"Excuse me?" I heard the receptionist say as I lit a cigarette, "You can't smoke in here."

"But you have an ashtray right here." I said as I pointed at a bowl laid out on the desk.

"Thats there for decoration, it completes the room."

"Who the fuck decorates with a bowl? Anyway goddammit Mike get down to the hospital with Jess and if Tré isn't with you pick him up, she needs you guys. I'll be back soon, see ya there." I said and slammed the phone back at the woman, watching it hit her in the chest.

 

Walking through the doors of where I'd be taken to the office the meeting was in I heard the receptionist say I wasn't allowed back here and I flipped her off, continuing to walk towards the office of wherever the fuck it may be. I walked past an employee and grabbed him by the tie, "Where the fuck is Robert Powell?" He pointed upwards and said "Floor nine." I nodded and slammed his tie back into him, forcing him back down into his chair. Strutting over to the elevator as I hit the 9 button and it glowed up. I heard someone say "Should we call security?" And in response to that I flipped them off, holding the elevator door screaming, "Drink my piss."

 

Watching the doors close as I was shaking with anger, must have been the adrenaline, reaching floor nine as all the employees stared at me as I returned hostile glares, sometimes winks and other times smirks. Reaching the end of the corridor which is where I'm sure the meeting was being held I blasted through the doors and looked at Mr.Powell.

 

"Mister Powellll," I sung in the tune of "Mr. Crowley" by Ozzy Osbourne before continuing, "So you think that its okay to not only abandon your daughter but leave her with a woman you KNEW was unstable and an addict. You think its okay to leave her hanging and give her false hope when you want to "come back into her life? Huh? You think all that is okay? Well do I have some fucking words for you Mr. Powell. I have known Serenity since I was 13 fucking years old, after you left and my dad died, okay!" After that I had lost control and started walking towards him, grabbing a pair of scissors off of the desk. "You think its fucking okay to abandon your kid and fucking let YOUR insane ex-wife SEND YOUR OTHER KID TO MILITARY CAMP? YOU THINK THAT'S FUCKING OKAY MR.POWELL? HUH? DO YOU? YOUR KID WHO IS PROBABLY DEAD WHO PROBABLY FUCKING KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE HE WENT SO INSANE BECAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE A FUCKING FATHER TO DEFEND HIM AND BE THERE FOR HIM. DON'T YOU THINK IF I HAD A CHOICE I'D WANT MY DAD TO BE THERE NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE RESENTED EACH OTHER? FUCK YOU SIR, FUCK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH." I screamed at him relentlessly, spitting in his face as his fellow partners tried holding me back and calming me down.

 

"SHE DREAMED OF YOU SHE FUCKING DREAMED OF YOU COMING HOME EVERY FUCKING NIGHT SHE WOKE UP SCREAMING FROM NIGHTMARES AND ALL THAT WENT AWAY WHEN I CAME INTO HER LIFE. SHE DOESN'T NEED YOU SHE NEVER DID I'M HER FUCKING ANSWER TO HAPPINESS FUCK YOU SIR, FUCK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH. NOT ONLY DID YOU RUIN HER LIFE BUT YOU GAVE A KID WHO HAD HOPES OF YOU RETURNING FALSE HOPE FALSE FUCKING ANSWERS. SHE WROTE POEMS FUCKING SONGS FOR YOU, SHE SAT THERE DAY AND NIGHT WITH YOU, BARELY HAVING ANY GODDAMN MEMORIES OF YOU BECAUSE ALL SHE REMEMBERED WAS YOU SLAPPING HER AND YOU AND HER MUM FIGHTING. LOOK LOOK AT THESE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL POEMS THESE BEAUTIFUL GODDAMN STORIES SHE PUT INTO SONGS, SHE WROTE THE LYRICS THE CHORDS THE NOTES EVERYTHING EVERY GODDAMN THING." I was far from over as I threw Serenity's song book at his face and he grabbed it off of the floor, examining it.

 

"SO YOU SEE? NO MATTER HOW BADLY OR POORLY YOU FUCKING TREATED HER YOU SACK OF SCUM SHE STILL LOVED YOU, YOU WERE THE ONLY PARENT SHE HAD FAITH LEFT IN. NOW SHE HAS ME, ME THATS IT THAT IS THE ONLY PERSON SHE FUCKING HAS ALL BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T BE THERE FOR YOUR GODDAMN KID TO WATCH HER GROW AND DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT PISSES ME OFF? I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'D EVER CHOOSE MY FUCKING BAND OVER MY KID. Yet somehow I'm the loser because here you are, not there for your kid as she's pushing your grand-kids out of her vagina, yet me? I'm the loser? At least I'll be there for my kid to watch him grow and not let my wife send him off to fucking boot camp. Sorry sir I mean this in the kindest way, but fuck you. Good fucking day."

 

I pulled out posters of information for my bands next gig and tour and threw them all around the corridor where employees were walking back and forth watching me as I just tossed the fliers into the air and they all just sort of sighed and gasped as they watched me get into the elevator where other people were placed. I threw some more of the fliers into the small space as I watched them all behind me pick them up and I held my hands together, smirking. I punched the "1" button to take me back down to the lobby. I listened to all the murmuring going on behind me and as I heard the elevator ding I got out, throwing some more around the entrance and exit of the building.

 

"Excuse me sir you can't just-"

"Oh fuck off." I turned towards her and said with my back facing the doors, walking out of them, watching people get up from their seats as their curiosity peaked them to know what the fliers said. I smirked and laughed to myself, unlocking my car and getting in it, banging on the steering wheel with my hands and yelling to myself. I looked in the mirror and glanced at the back at all the beer bottles and cans, sighing to myself. Fuck, what was wrong with me? I wasn't the man I wanted to be for my son, I knew I wasn't. Addiction wasn't fucking easy, I of all people would know that. Prescription pills and alcohol were my favourites but I didn't want my kids to come home and find me drunk, passed out on the couch. I ran my hands through my hair and sighed as loud as possible.

 

Starting my car and heading back to the hospital, what the fuck was I doing here? I wasn't good for Serenity and I knew that, Mike knew that, Jess did we all did. Maybe coming into her life was a big mistake - I ruined it. I took her away from her family, everything good, her old life, her old friends who view me as a joke, who think I'm a loser just like everyone else does. Damn, if they all knew it without even knowing me I wonder who else did, did Serenity think that of me? I shook my head but I couldn't shake the thoughts as they became the most prominent ones of all and I had to pull over on the way back.

 

I thought about it all, and I knew that me leaving would hurt Serenity worse than me being on drugs or an alcoholic ever would. I stared at the baggie of cocaine in the side pouch of my car door and sighed. I couldn't go to the hospital fucked up on some sort of chemical, even I knew that, and as I stared out of the window, up at the dark and stormy clouds I thought of Serenity and somehow the clouds just perfectly made out her face. She was far more important to me than my fucking band, than this addiction, than anything. But even I knew this was only the beginning of a long battle of addiction, fights, rehab, and more.

 

Pulling up to the hospital as I rushed in and Mike, Jess and Tré all just stared at me. I asked them if they had gone in with her, Jess said she had but Mike and Tré don't want to be in the room for anything. I rolled my eyes and shook my head "pussies," I muttered under my breath as Jess pulled me by my hand past the two doors where people's rooms were and pulled me into a dark closet, clutching the pull string and I watched her bright eyes gleam at me under the dim lit room.

 

"Look Billie, we both have an attraction to each other, we can't deny that." Jess began.

"What? Are you joking? The only woman I love and ever will love is Serenity, you're insane or delusional or both." I said in a snarky tone.

"Oh please, I've seen the way you look at me when you're drunk." She giggled a bit.

"And have you seen the way I look at Serenity when I'm sober? Oh wait that's cause she's actually beautiful. I need alcohol in my body just to stand the sight of you." I chuckled to myself at that one, what the fuck was this bitch on about? Was she high?

"Come on lets just fool around."

"Um bitch back away from me okay? Don't lay a fucking hand on me, I'm fucking telling Mike all about this, fuck you crazy bitch." Jess hadn't known what went on before my arrival back to the hospital and she didn't need to, none of them besides Serenity did. I exited the room and slammed the door on her, walking back out of the doors she pulled me into.

"Uh dude," I began, staring at Mike as he got up.

"What is it?" Mike asked and he looked at me with a sincere look on his face as if it was about Serenity, but this time it wasn't bad news for me.

"Jess just tried to fuck me in a janitors closet back there." I watched his face break, his hands tore apart from each other as he looked behind me to Jess coming through the two giant doors. I looked back at her and smirked, waving at her and then flipping her off.

 

We watched as Mike just froze and I sat him down, with myself next to him and Tré got up going over to Jess and pressing his hands against her shoulders and pushing her back roughly, "So you think its fucking funny to fuck with my friends like that and hurt them? Fuck you Jess! You gave Mike here hope he had a future with a beautiful girl and could have kids fuck you, fuck you very much so. You aren't and weren't worth Mike's time, you NEVER were and never will be. You're ultimate trash, whereas Mike is a great person who'd never fucking hurt you in that way or any way for that matter. Get the FUCK out of here, take a goddamn hike. Nobody wants you here, you're not welcome." Tré pointed towards the door and never in my life had I seen him be so cruel to someone. He came over to us and hugged Mike as I got up out of the chair when a nurse approached me.

 

"Sir, uh Mr.Armstrong?"

"Yes?"

"You're welcome to come back now, along with your friends if they'd like." I nodded and she walked away smiling back at me. I turned on my heels towards Mike and Tré, looking at them with desperate eyes as Mike shook his head, placing it in his hands. I sat back down next to him, consoling him and telling him that he was far too good for Jess, he was and deserved so much better than her. Mike was indeed my best friend who needed to be protected from all sorts of harm because he was, in reality, so vulnerable to things like heartbreak. Nothing was ever easy for Mike, he's endured more things than you can imagine.

 

Mike deserved more from life than anyone I knew, me, Serenity or even Tré who endured the most. Mike was such a nice guy and honestly if people couldn't appreciate or see that then fuck them, they didn't deserve Mike. Mike was far too good for them, his mother, all of the scumbags that have been in his life. I looked around the hospital at all the other people in the waiting room, shrugged and thought "Ahh, fuck it." I got out of my chair, leaned over Mike and cupped his cheeks, kissing him. Without second thoughts or hesitations, I just fucking did it. I didn't have any emotional feelings for Mike other than the fact that he was my friend but I hated to see him sad. I wasn't good with advice or consoling him, I broke the kiss and he just stared at me. "Now come on you big baby, fuck Jess fuck her, fuck everyone, fuck your mother fucking being addicted to heroin and fuck your adoptive parents for divorcing, I'm sorry you've had to endure all this, I'm sorry your stepdad passed away I'm sorry but you can't let that stand in the way of this, of us. Of now, of our future. Like you talked about when you were younger, remember? We all focus and worry way too much about our fucking future and dwell too much on our past. I know it hurts now but it will get better and it'll be fucking worth it in the end because you'll have a beautiful wife and some beautiful kids, and that bitch Jess will be a big nobody and she'll regret ever hurting you because you are MIKE FUCKING DIRNT! You're the best goddamn bassist on the face of the earth next to Paul McCartney! You're an amazing dude with great intentions and a fucking awesome personality! And that girl? She's going to contract some STD from shooting up drugs okay? You? You're better than her, better than anyone apart from Tré and Serenity! You are all the greatest people on the face of the fucking earth okay? Got it? Mike dude I know I'm not great at consoling or giving advice but you WILL get through this like you have everything else. You are better than all these people in this room." He looked at me under his tear filled eyes, his spiky brown hair and just mumbled "Thank you Billie." And smiled up at me.

 

Getting up out of his seat as he leaned on my shoulder and Tré's as well for support we went back to see Serenity. Knocking on her door we heard a strained "Come in."

 

* * *

 

 *Serenity's POV*

 

I watched as the boys cluttered through the door excitedly and Billie came over to me, kissing my forehead and holding my hand. He smiled at me and I smiled back, "Hey baby how are you doing?" He asked and I tried sitting myself up with one hand and Billie assisting me.

"I'm fine, I just got worried and missed you. My contractions are getting closer and closer, its beginning to scare me. The pain is getting unbearable, good thing they gave me morphine otherwise I'd be in searing pain, screaming unbearably loud." They all chuckled as I said that and I joined in, laughing with them as Billie's hand clutched mine tighter and he looked at me, knowing I felt beaten and weak.

"So um, I have to talk to you, Serenity."

"Yeah?" I said as my head popped up, "What is it?"

"Okay - now don't be mad at me, alright? So Jess would be here but earlier - she kinda took me into the janitors closet and tried talking me into a quick fuck in there. I kissed Mike to cheer him up but thats all I did, I didn't do anything with Jess." I clenched my jaw and fists as I heard Billie say these things to me, memories of Jess and everything we had been through together rush through my head and I began to get angrier. I clutched the sheets and let out a scream as the morphine wore off and the pain came back.

 

Billie backed away from me and I hit the button on the side of the bed and the doctor rushed in, giving me some more. As it kicked in and pumped through my veins I began to feel better and calmly turned back to Billie, just staring blankly at him but I didn't know I was. He came over to me and latched his hand back to mine, I asked if Mike would come over to me and he nodded, getting out of his chair as Billie took his place.

 

"Yes?" Mike asked.

I readjusted myself to hug him as he bent down over the bed as if he knew what I was trying to do and as I felt his arms snake around my back I clutched his big, baggy sweater. "I'm sorry Mike, you're so much fucking better than her. I love you, okay? We all do, Billie and Tré do too, we're always here for you. Fuck Jess, fuck her, you'll move in with us, alright?"

 

Mike nodded against my shoulder and pulled away, going over to a third seat that was available as Billie dragged the chair across the floor back next to me, clutching my hand as my contractions were beginning to get closer together, but not close enough for the baby to start coming. This feeling was an honest hell, I couldn't stand it anymore and I just wanted Joseph out of me. I closed my eyes and TRIED to sleep but I heard Billie talking to the doctors along with Mike and Tré, turning on the TV as I heard music blare through the speakers and I could tell today was not only going to be long, but I was going in this sleepless.

 

I stared at Billie as he glared at the TV with the look of hope in his eyes as if he were thinking, "We're going to be on TV one day!" He had put his all into this fucking band and I knew I was only slowing him down and taking a toll on him, on all of them. I began shaking and panicking as Billie looked over at me, feeling the goosebumps on my arm. He tried to console me, kissing my forehead and running his fingers through my hair and I peeled at my skin, letting out a scream as Billie clutched my wrists, pinning them down to the bed and planting his lips on mine, reassuring me he loves me. I don't know how the fuck he was putting up with me, or how he even loved me.

 

Sighing and running my fingers through my hair as I tried calming myself down. I ruined Billie's life I ruined all their lives and as those thoughts crossed my mind I decided to try sleeping again. I knew it was pointless because I'd get none but I needed it, I needed something to relax me. My thoughts were pounding against my head, just aching, wishing to be free as a strong headache came on and I wanted to cry. Trying to keep it together I knew Billie could tell I was losing it.

 

I don't know why but Billie seemed out of breath today, seemed so unsure of every move he made. Was he ready to be a father? Was he frightened? He shouldn't be, its his after all, we made this baby out of sweet, long, lust filled love making and I knew we both enjoyed every minute of it. I remember that night and it made me lean back into the bed, throw my arms over my head and arch my back as Billie just watched me, wondering what I was feeling. I stared at him and gestured him closer, and as he got closer I whispered in his ear, asking him if he had remembered the night of our wedding and he bit his lip, nodding but tried keeping the thoughts away because he didn't want to get horny in front of the guys. I chuckled to myself and he felt himself rub up against his jeans and I felt another contraction come on.

 

He sat back down and as he did the nurse came in to check on me and I told her I just experienced one of the worst contractions by far. She said they'd get longer, stronger and even closer together, I sighed and Billie just stared at me, knowing the stress I was going through. He had one leg slung over the other, leaned over his lap, attempting to hide his boner. I chuckled to myself when I soon felt another contraction, fuck just get out of me already.

 

Sleeping was out of the question so I just watched Billie as he adjusted himself in the chair every so often due to his whole personal issues, then I realized my dad wasn't here and I turned my head to Billie, eyes wide and he stared back at me.

 

"What is it baby?" I heard those words leave his lips, but somehow they couldn't match up the right speed and I processed them slowly.

"Where the fuck is my father?" I practically snarled at him and I was shocked at how rude I was being, "Sorry its just - I'm stressed and in pain and need a parental guide here for me, where is he?"

"Uh he's not coming, I called him earlier in the lobby and he just said you were an ungrateful shit." He broke the news to me lightly, grasping my hands and I sunk back into the bed, inching my head in the other direction so I didn't face Billie.

 

Soon I felt another contraction and I screamed out in pain as I felt the baby coming, finally. Fucking finally after nine long months I get to see my son, my beautiful baby boy who I'd be proud of no matter what. Billie opened the door and screamed for the doctors who immediately rushed in through the door, pushing Billie out of the way. One doctor grabbed one of my hands as Billie came back to the other, both telling me to "push." I tried my best as I watched the doctor hurriedly put more morphine in my IV because I could feel every bit of this process. I felt myself stretching and stretching as the baby made its way out of me.

 

"I can see the head!" The doctor exclaimed and I gasped excitedly, clutching Billie's hand and he smiled down at me, I kept pushing as hard as I could. It was beginning to get harder and harder to push him out but I heard the doctor continue, "He's got the chord around his throat, fuck!" I panicked as I looked around at the sea of faces in the room, Billie, Mike, Tré, the two unnamed doctors. And hearing that my baby could possibly suffocate made me want to do the same. I started blacking out but Billie tried to keep me awake, giving me moral support and even slapping my face lightly.

 

The doctor got the chord off of my baby in time so nothing bad happened to him, I worried for nothing. My breathing returned to normal as I stared at the doctor cheerfully as he held my baby, taking him away from me and shouting, "It's a boy!" I smiled at Billie as he rubbed my knuckles. He kissed my forehead and I watched as the doctor took him away to wash him off and the other doctor stayed behind, encouraging for me to push once again to get the placenta out of my body.

 

Once that was done and out of the way I began to get fidgety, just wanting to see my baby. Billie tried talking to me to keep me calm and I watched as the doctor took care of the placenta. I tried to keep my thoughts away from that because it just disgusted me. I stared at Mike and Tré behind Billie who were pretending to fight for some odd reason. I just wanted my baby, I just wanted Joseph.

 

I stared around at the dim litted yet somehow still well lit enough for me to see the cracks in the sloppily painted bricks that made up the walls. Nothing about this place felt right at all in the slightest but I stuck it out and waited for the return of Joseph. Billie just stared at me from the corner of the room, and as our eyes met its as if he knew something was wrong.

 

Billie was about to head out the door to go and get the doctor but thats when he returned with our son. I looked up at the door with an excited look on my face as the doctor steadily took his time crossing the room. He laid him down in my arms, head elevated, "And here's your baby boy." He said while smiling at me and gesturing the doctor over to the door to give us some alone time.

 

I smiled down at the cooing baby who was so hopeless and didn't know what to do with himself. It was quite adorable really to know that now this baby, our baby, my baby relied on me and Billie to do everything for him, to teach him everything about the real world. I smiled and began to cry a bit as Billie crossed the room, filling the space between us. He bent down over our son and gleamed at him with such wonder in his eyes.

 

"Hey little man, I'm your dad! I know you're new to this and all but the world sucks but don't let it get you down, cause in the end its worth it!" Billie exclaimed as he pinched the babies cheeks, making kissing noises at him and playing with his hands. I watched him wrap his fingers around Billie's thumb and that is when I looked at Billie who was smiling down at our newborn son.

 

Our newborn son named Joseph Danger, what a stupid yet also somehow beautiful name. I picked out his first name and Billie his middle, obviously. I watched Billie interact with him and it was honest to god the best thing that had ever happened to me, just to have my two boys so close to my heart. I watched Joseph as he reached out and put his hands on Billie's cheeks.

 

One thing was for sure, and that was is Joseph's a daddies boy.


	15. Chapter 15

*Serenity's POV*

 

It was late summer but early August and as the heat of the sun was blazing through our apartment windows I watched as Mike got up out of bed, slumping into the kitchen. The year was now 1994 and Joseph was 3 years old, and trust me, having Billie as a dad was no walk in the park. He was still a loving, trustworthy and loyal husband but he just wasn't around as much. Since the release of their album 'Dookie,' things had gotten more hectic. The band had blown up and we were in distress because the boys had decided to travel across the country to go to Woodstock.

 

All I could do was sit at home with our baby and watch it on TV, I wish I could be there with Billie though to enjoy some kick ass music. They weren't performing however, that was the gig of their dreams, sadly, their manager couldn't book it in time. Mike was wearing only his boxers and rubbed his eye lazily with the palm of his hand. I laughed as he attempted pulling something out of the fridge, causing the bread to fall. Mike shook his head and I watched as Billie came into the room. I immediately pulled myself off of the couch and went over to the door frame where he had been standing.

 

Pulling him by his shirt collar that was a mess, ripped, probably from the gig they had last night. I bit my lip as ours touched and I ran my hands through his hair, laughing into the kiss as Billie's hands trailed up and down my back. I gave him his necklace he had "lost" last night, it was his favourite necklace. A simple chain with a guitar pick attached to it. I have no clue as to how he made it or where he found it but I adored it, even wore it sometimes.

 

Billie walked past me and laid down on the couch so forcefully it caused it to move out of place. Making my way over to him to lay on top of him as he played with my hair and I smiled into his chest, feeling it rise and fall. Knowing he was alive and was okay was all I really needed to get through the day. God, did he make it all worth it. He made just being here, breathing even if it was painful, he made being alive and letting every breath of air fill my lungs worth it. I didn't know what I'd do without him.

 

That's when Billie's eyes shot open and all I heard was a "shit." He picked me up and slung me over his arms, taking me back to the bedroom with him and placing me gently onto the bed. I was confused as to what was going on but as I watched him pull out a suitcase I had remembered, Woodstock. He had been dreaming about going ever since he had heard they were holding another. He was so cute, it was adorable really how excited he got for things like this. I didn't want him to go, or at least had brought me, but I didn't have anyone to watch Joseph, plus I couldn't be away from him for that long.

 

Joseph, now being 3 years old was so so smart, he began talking at an early age and Billie and I had taught him how to speak, read, and walk. He was a quick learner and his favourite television show was some hunting channel. I always rolled my eyes but whenever we had nights to ourselves at home, while we watched his favourite show he quickly passed out, leaning onto Billie. Soon Billie would do the same, and my favourite thing Joseph would do is draw pictures of us as a family. I never thought my life could get this perfect, I never thought I'd have the most handsome and perfect husband to go along with an adorable son that we had made together.

 

Another thing Joseph began doing was writing things, I always woke up to a letter in the morning from him with something excited on it like, "Maybe we'll get to see daddy today!" Or "Hello mommy I can't wait for you to wake up." Something simple like that, and although they weren't much I still kept them close to heart. I knew Joseph hated when Billie was on tour or stayed out late at a gig, he would refuse to go to sleep until he got home. He was such a daddies boy and I hated it because Billie was never around. I wanted Billie to follow his dreams and I know Joseph and I had nothing to do with his band but I just wanted to be the main priority and focus in his life. I didn't want to come in the way of his dreams though, I didn't want to cause him not to make it big. I wanted this for him. He deserved it.

 

I watched as Billie climbed onto the bed, laying me back on the firm mattress and beginning to kiss my neck. I gasped for air and thats when I heard it - Joseph crying. Billie pulled himself off of me, sighing and I opened our bedroom door, asking if Mike could take care of him. He called down the hallway and said yes and thats when Billie and I got back to what we had previously been doing.

 

Climbing back onto the bed and Billie returned to his previous position, running his lips down my body and stripping me of my nightgown. His lips were hot and heavy, leaving wet bite marks all across my torso and in turn they were painful yet beautiful. Everything about him, everything he had done was absolutely beautiful. I was ready for whatever he had to throw at me. Billie was such an extravagant and complex being, I always just wanted to pick his brain and figure out how his mentality of well, everything worked. How he viewed everything, his opinion of the fucking colour purple and his viewpoints on politics. I knew he wasn't interested in those things but I still wanted to know them.

 

Once Billie had finished lathering my body in bite marks, thighs, hips, rib cage, breasts, neck, collarbones all had hickies left on them I watched as he hurriedly packed for New York. I went up to him as he packed things into his suitcase as he had done every time he went on tour, kissing him, pressing his back against the wall as he kissed me hard. Feeling his tongue delve into my mouth, our kisses wet and sloppy as they always had been when we were teenagers.

 

We were 22 now and Billie was as childish as ever, I loved it but I needed someone who took responsibility for some things. I knew Billie could be serious and genuine at the end of they day but I wanted some sort of sign of infatuation with me. Maybe I wasn't the one for him, I started to doubt everything and crawled back into bed, the hickies he left on me still writhing in pain.

 

I stared at him as he looked confused, coming over to the bed to join me and he wrapped his arms around me, kissing my cheek and I rolled into him, falling asleep on his chest. The last thing I remember is him playing with my hair and when I woke up, he was gone. I wandered around the apartment, looking for him but soon heard laughter emit from Joseph's room. I hurried down the hallway and slammed through the door seeing Billie play with Joseph.

 

He turned to me and Joseph exclaimed, "Mommy you're awake!" Joseph and Billie both gestured me over and as I came over to the side of where Joseph slept he wanted me to pick him up. I did so and he wrapped his little arms around my neck, kissing my cheek. Having a baby was possibly the most terrifying but exciting experience ever. Terrifying because well, its fucking scary how fast everything changes. Exciting because you're bringing forth a new life who looks up to you for everything, and you're just supposed to know well, everything. But you only know as much about everything as they do, or they will. So your answers to everything will be slim but they'll have to accept that.

 

"Hey honey," Billie started and I gleamed over to him, looking up at him under my eyelashes. "John said he could take Joseph for a couple days."

"John? Your d-r-u-g d-"

"Yes."

"I- I don't know if I trust him, I barely even know him."

"Thats why I called him over, so you two can get acquainted and Joseph can as well."

"Why are you doing this?"

"I want you to come to Woodstock with us, I know how much you dread it when I go on tour so this time, you're coming with us. It'll only be like two or three days."

"Fine okay fine, but only if John is trustworthy and doesn't take Joseph to his place, he has to come here."

 

And on that note you can rest assure I was in fact a nervous fucking wreck. I decided to get ready and pack my suitcase anyway knowing Billie wasn't going to take no from me as an answer, his dream was for me to go on tour with him. But just when their 'Kerplunk!' tour had started I was pregnant and couldn't join them on the road. Both Joseph and I got so sad always saying goodbye to Billie when he had to go on tour, it made our hearts sink.

 

We wandered around the apartment, hurriedly packing as Joseph just stared at us questioningly, unsure of anything that was going on. He just stared at mommy and daddy as they made a list and went over it together to make sure they had everything they needed while away. Thats when I heard Billie stop going over the list and he just stared at me.

 

"You know," he started, climbing off of the bed and crossing the room to meet me, putting his hands in mine, then continuing. "I'm so grateful for you, Serenity. I'm so lucky to have you in my life, like you're such an amazing girl and just to see you and be with you, touch you, hold you and feel you its all so great - so overwhelming. You're still, to this very day the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life and I'm just so lucky to have you. I don't know why you put up with me."

 

I chuckled and messed up his hair, cupping his cheeks and bringing my lips to his, closing the space between us and as we were mid-kiss thats when I heard a knock at the door. We sighed and untangled from each other, exiting our bedroom to enter the corridor then the living room, walking to the front entrance. Opening the door to see a smiling John, since the last time, well the first time, I had seen him he had really cleaned himself up - was he still dealing?

 

"So John," I started, gesturing him into our apartment but made sure Joseph wasn't in the room yet. "Do you still ya know?"

"Yes, it pays the bills but I am clean, apart from weed and occasionally alcohol. I realized that wasn't the person I wanted to be anymore, for the rest of my life. So here I am, clean as a whistle and doing great. I haven't done any serious drugs since I was about 19." John was always a couple years older than us but he loved Billie as if he was his own brother.

"What kind of experience do you have babysitting?"

"Oh tons, I used to watch after my younger brother before he passed." John started, getting a bit emotional and worked up talking about his brother. I walked over to him and gripped his arm, rubbing his back and he hugged me, and soon Billie came over and joined in.

"Hey hey, its alright." I heard Billie say as he rubbed his back, giving him some affection. "I'm sure you were a great brother man, there wasn't anything you could do, okay?"

"Yeah yeah." John said, rubbing his nose and sniffling, "Anyway I would be glad to watch Joseph, I love babies, even have one of my own on the way. We looked at each other and smiled, yelling for Joseph to come out of his room and he did, running towards us. I bent down as he did, picking him up and swinging him around.

"Hey little guy!" John started and at first Joseph was shy, but we tried warming him up to the idea.

"Hey Joseph its okay, this is your babysitter while your daddy and I are away, okay? We're going to be gone this weekend, just the weekend. It'll be okay! John will take good care of you, alright?" Joseph nodded into my shoulder and I handed him over to John and he began to sway back and forth, playing with his small hands and fingers.

 

Finally a night out, a weekend off, a day to myself with Billie WITH BILLIE! I was getting to spend this whole entire weekend with Billie in some field enjoying music and god! I was ecstatic I was so fucking excited. I was going to fucking Woodstock! I hadn't had a night to myself or with just Billie and I in a very long time, mainly because of Joseph but its not like I was complaining. I loved Joseph I just missed Billie and being able to stay up late with him, running my fingers over his warm chest and him playing with my hair. Another thing was man, our sex was fucking amazing and I missed that so so very much.

 

I rushed into our room to get ready and Billie and Mike kept John company with Joseph to make him more comfortable around him. I hopped in the shower and hummed one of Billie's songs that were one of my personal favourites. I heard the phone ring and I was hoping maybe just the possibility it was my dad. I always had that shred of hope, I still did but I hadn't known why. I knew he didn't want me and maybe thats why he left in the first place and then again. It was just a never ending recurrence and it was killing me. But I knew I had to stay here, stay strong for Joseph. I knew what I had to do for him and that was be there for him and be the best damn mother I could. I knew Billie loved him and wanted to be there, but his career was taking him away, he did his best. Billie was suffering, dealing with alcohol and pills and just everything in general and I knew I couldn't force him to get better but I needed it, I needed him to get away from those things. If not for me, for Joseph.

 

Turning off the screaming shower head that let out hot water I heard the boys cheering in the main room so I hurriedly got dressed. I think I heard Tré's voice, when did he get here? Ah well, I pulled my underwear on, struggled with my bra as I had since I was a teenager, slipping into my jeans but having a hard time since I was still a bit wet and then pulling my large baseball shirt over me. I exited the bathroom silently as to not disturb them and went into me and Billie's room, getting my bag and pulling on some shoes.

 

I trugged down the hallway with my suitcase in hand and entered the room, everyone looked at me. Billie smiled and yelled my name, coming over to me, picking me up and spinning me around. I laughed with him and messed with his blue hair and his nose ring got caught on my shirt. He finally put me down and I looked over at John who still had Joseph in his arms, walking over to him to take Joseph from him. Joseph nestled into my wet but clean hair and said it smelled good as it always did.

 

"Whats the big news why are we all in here cheering and-" I got cut off by Billie.

"That was the call of the lifetime, we, Green Day is performing at Woodstock! Woodstock baby, this is just what we need!"

"Aw you guys I'm so happy and proud of you oh my goodness this is great!" I laughed as we all looked at each other. Joseph played with my hair and Billie came over to me, wrapping his arm around my waist and making funny faces at Joseph.

 

Not only was I going to Woodstock but my husband was performing with his band, god was I lucky.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billie's POV*

 

Once we had gotten to New York I was fucking ecstatic but my stomach was turning just thinking about Joseph - god I missed him, I always did. This time I got to be able to be with Serenity and when I felt her grab my hand as we were landing. She jumped a bit once the plane hit the ground but I was used to it by now as we toured practically everywhere. She was shaky and jumpy, nervous without Joseph but I assured her that he was fine and that everything was going to be okay. The one thing I hated about traveling was how long the process took. We slugged out of our seats with Mike and Tré in the ones behind us, getting our carry ons and out of the plane, into the terminals and letting them check us. The female guard feeling me down got a little touchy feely and it made me very uncomfortable. We were being all "lovey dovey" as we waited for Mike and Tré. Wrapping my arms around her waist as her hands snaked around my neck, kissing me as hard as she could.

 

Being regrouped we went to baggage claim and luckily they were the first we saw, picking them up and just leaving the airport. We called for a cab and once one had stopped we all put our shit in the trunk, as Tré sat up in the front, Mike behind the driver, Serenity in the middle and I behind Tré. Serenity and I were being "gross" the entire way to the hotel according to Mike. Basically we were cuddling and kissing, playing footsies and holding hands with each other. I hadn't felt this infatuated with her since we first met, and eventually Mike and Tré both fell asleep and I subtly fingered her, surprisingly the driver didn't say a thing, or he just had no idea. It was Serenity and I's little secret.

 

Once the car had stopped and we arrived at our hotel that was just down the street from where Woodstock was being held, it was late and Woodstock was the next day. We woke up Mike and Tré with wet willies, laughing as we got out of the car in a hurry to avoid them getting revenge. Hurriedly we got our suitcases out of the trunk and rushed into the hotel together, laughing to ourselves and checking in.

 

"It should be under Armstrong." I said.

"Ah yes mister uh Billie Joe?" The receptionist asked.

"Yes ma'am." I said, rubbing Serenity's back, feeling her grab my ass. I jumped a bit, surprised and she handed us our room keys. I thanked her, waiting for Mike and Tré to catch up.

 

We waited for them and once they barged through the door we all shouted, going up the stairs only one level because we didn't want a room high up, heh, fuck that. We had to get up bright and early tomorrow to get ready for a great day ahead! So once we reached our room we threw our bags around the room and Serenity plopped down onto our bed, I did the same next to her and Mike and Tré took the bed next to ours. Serenity and I looked at each other, immediately smirking and giggling. She pulled herself higher onto the bed and I crawled on top of her, going under the covers together, beginning to strip ourselves of our clothes. 

 

I had gotten my shirt off before I heard Mike say. "Aw come on guys, not here, not now."

I pulled the blanket back, exposing us both shirtless and retorted. "Hey! Fuck off, Serenity and I haven't gotten a night like this in a long time so just act as if we aren't here or pretend its fucking porn and jack yourselves off."

 

Thats when we got back to business under the covers and I slid her jeans off of her hips, down her thighs and her skinny legs. She soon made us swap places so she was on top of me, undoing my belt and pulling my pants down, kissing my hips and soon I wasn't able to control it anymore, I let out the loudest moan I could. Feeling her lips wrap around my head and I absolutely lost it, pulling at her shoulders and hair and I felt as she began to take me deeper down her throat and I pulled at the sheets, letting out more and more moans as I heard Mike and Tré groaning but I didn't care because all that was in this moment right here and now was just me and Serenity.

 

Eventually when I had came, I ate her out in the slowest way I knew possible and she obviously enjoyed every minute of it as did I. Her hands leaving red marks on my shoulders and listening to her moan out my name, lifting the blanket off of her face to get air and she noticed Mike and Tré had fallen asleep. Once I felt her come I pulled myself up next to her and out from under the blanket, noticing they had fallen asleep and laughing to myself, hearing Serenity quietly join in.

 

She cuddled up next to me, head on my chest and she played with my fingers, my free hand running through her hair. All I could think about was the white lines I could be doing, the pills I could be swallowing and all the alcohol I could be drinking. I attempted to shake those thoughts and only focus on Serenity who was here with me, now. We spent the whole night talking and watched the sun peak over the horizon, and before we knew it, it had been dawn. We slow danced around the hotel room, being careful enough not to wake up Mike and Tré. Eventually we just got into the shower together and took all the time in the world together, taking the time to lather her body and appreciate every inch of it, taking the time to lather her hair in her favourite shampoo. She did all the same for me and we heard cluttering in the room outside - they must be awake.

 

Once we had gotten out we rushed into the room and looked to see that Tré had fallen onto the floor. Mike woke up from our laughter and Tré pulled himself off of the floor and we all rushed to get dressed, looking at the clock on the table as it said 9:45, our plan was to go at 10 o'clock. So as we all rushed around the tiny room, making a mess of it, falling over each other as we got ready - it was a hell of a rush. Once we were all ready, packed and good to go we rushed down the stairs of the hotel, out of the lobby and to the doors.

 

Storming outside as we ran towards where we heard the music coming from, all laughing and smiling, taking sips of water. Serenity's hand in mine as we were all due to go onstage soon and knew it was about to rain since it rained both days before and the field was more than likely muddy to all hell. We arrived and were barely let in until I told him who the fuck we were. We all headed to the north stage and thats when I was looking around for a friend who I had out here as well who was supposed to be hooking me up with some coke. I noticed him where he said he'd be and told the others I'd catch up with him.

 

"Yo you got the shit?" I said as he smiled, laughing and handed me the baggie of coke and a couple of beers. "Thanks man, here's some money for your troubles." He headed off to the north stage as well.

 

I met back up with the other three and we all headed over to south stage, getting ready for our performance. We didn't go on for a couple hours so we just sat backstage and all smiled, laughing, enjoying the music whereas Serenity was in the audience, waiting for us to go onstage. Thats when I heard footsteps behind me and I turned around to see my mother. I got up out of the lawn chair as it fell over and I said, "What the fuck do you want?"

 

She just crossed her arms and huffed away, stomping away in the dirt path and I shook my head, whatever bitch. I poured a line of coke out on my arm, snorting it and slugging down about a quarter of a beer, hearing our band get called onstage. I excitedly ran up the stairs with my guitar around me, feeling the drugs and alcohol mixture set in and we began playing a song from our first LP "1039/Smoothed out Slappy Hours" called "Paper Lanterns." I noticed Serenity in the audience, front row, directly in front of where I'm standing. I saw my mum a few rows back and we began playing.

 

During our entire performance we had people throwing mud onstage at us, I was covered and eventually got fed up and pissed, but I'm sure the drugs also had something to do with it. I took my guitar off, slamming it on the stage and began to throw it back at the audience. I let them pelt me with mud, made them chant obscenities and all the while I was reassured of this performance since my mum had been out there. I slid into the mud a couple times, rolling around in it as Mike did the same, still playing bass. I made the left side of the crowd scream "Rock and roll!" and the other shout "Shut the fuck up!" But of course since this was live tv the swears would be blared out. Rolling my eyes as I pumped the crowd up more and more, continuing to throw mud back at them. I went over to the right side of the stage and pulled my pants down. I ran across the stage, allowing everyone to see my dick all the while getting mud thrown at me. I pulled them back up and fell onto the stage.

 

Mike was just waiting for me to continue but I refused to, "Hey if you all say shut the fuck up we'll get off the stage!" I heard the entire crowd say shut the fuck up and we just walked off of the muddy stage - but I turned around and jumped into the crowd as they carried me and I eventually landed face first into the mud. Thats where I passed out and when I woke I remembered none of it.

 

* * *

 

 

*Serenity's POV*

 

I ran back to the hotel as fast as I could and packed my suitcase in a panic, I couldn't deal with this, I wasn't prepared for this - none of it. My vision was blurred as I was crying while writing Billie a note. "Hey - went home early because I was worried about Joseph, can't wait to see you there. I love you. xoxo, Serenity." Only when he got there I wasn't going to be there.

 

Picking up my bags and walking out of the hotel room, slamming the door and wiping my tears as I walked throughout the halls. I exited the building and hollered for a taxi, hearing the music from just down the street roar louder than ever. I got into the taxi with my bag and heard "One for the Razorbacks" come on the radio and I put my head in my hand, crying harder. I was such an idiot to think he wouldn't ever hurt me, to think he wouldn't let me down. I knew he had struggled with drug and alcohol addiction and I had thought I was ready to help him through it and understand it but I was foolish. Young and foolish. I hit myself on the head and as we pulled up to the airport I got out, throwing up on the sidewalk. The entire time they were playing Green Day songs on the radio since they had just performed at Woodstock.

 

I picked myself up and pulled myself together, grabbing my bag and rushing into the airport, handing them my credit card so I could get the fuck out of here as soon as possible. She gave me a ticket for the next plane out of here which was in 10 minutes so I gave them my bag and my ticket and climbed aboard. After that I just fell asleep, I didn't want to think about Billie or any of this or Woodstock, I just wanted to get home, get Joseph and go as far away from Berkeley as I could.

 

Landing in California and I hurriedly got off of the plane, waiting for my bag in baggage claim and I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. The people crowding around me only making it worse. I pulled my bag as soon as I saw it and rushed the fuck out of the airport, calling once again for a cab. I couldn't take these thoughts anymore, the thoughts about Billie and what they were going back to. What the fuck, how could he do that when we have a kid together? Fuck I just - I couldn't think straight anymore and I felt like I was going to puke again.

 

Racing out of the car and up the stairs of the building to the fourth floor with my bag, rushing through the door and seeing Joseph run towards me, hugging my legs and I smiled, kissing his head and playing with his hair. I locked the door and said, "Hey baby come with mommy we have to leave now, okay?"

 

I heard him say, "Where's daddy?"

I came up with some bullshit response, "Daddy's at uncle Mike's right now, visiting Mike's mommy and daddy!"

 

He nodded with his small hand in mine and I got another suitcase, a small one for kids out for him and began to pack everything. All his clothes, books, toys whatever he wanted to bring and I packed the rest of my stuff, shoving it all into one suitcase and I knew I had to leave Billie a note, a piece of correspondence, closure.

 

"Dear Billie, your antics on stage had gotten to be too much for me so I went home early. I know the truth is shit and it sucks and fuck I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for what I'm about to do. I never wanted it to come to this. Please understand where I'm coming from, I need you like mad but not like this. I need you sober, clean, a gentle man who can provide and be there for his family. I know that isn't you and won't be for a long time so I'm doing whats best in the long run. I know you probably won't notice we're gone until you come down off of whatever high you're on now but please, take care of yourself. I had never met someone who could make me feel so sure of myself yet incredibly insecure at the same time and I had never met someone who could make me feel so small and insignificant but could also convince me that I could move mountains. You are such a fucking contradiction that I can't tell whether I hate loving you or love hating you. - Serenity."

 

I clutched Josephs hand and he gripped his bag as I did with mine, leaving the note on the kitchen counter and stepping out of the apartment we had known as and referred to as 'home' for years. Looks like we'll have to find a new one. I turned the lights off, closed and locked the door, put my key in my pocket because I wasn't giving that up. I pulled Joseph down the hall with me and stepped into the elevator, watching the doors close in front of us as I clicked the one button.

 

Please excuse my clumsy heart, my clumsy voice and my clumsy hands all for falling for you.

 

* * *

 

 

*Billie's POV*

 

I woke in the hotel, unsure of what the fuck had happened the day before and pulled myself out of the muggy bed, looking around for Serenity. I noticed a note on the table with my name written across it. "Went home early?" I mumbled to myself, crumbling the note up and immediately began packing my clothes in a rush. There was no time to waste or lose and I knew I must have done something - said something to fuck it all up. I shook my head as I rushed down the hallway with my noisy suitcase cluttering all around me. I rushed down the flights of stairs and darted out of the hotel lobbys exist.

 

Whistling for a cab as one soon came to a stop for me and I got in, pulling my suitcase in with me, screaming at him to go to the airport. I was anxious in my seat, picking at my fingernails, digging them into my wrists as it only kept rising as we got closer to the airport and upon arrival I darted out of the car, bag in hand. I told the flight attendant I needed a flight to California as soon as possible and she gave me a ticket for a flight that took off in two minutes. I hurried over to the terminal, giving them my bag and my ticket, and I was allowed to go. I took my seat on the plane and didn't sleep the entire flight as I was way too fucking anxious.

 

Arriving at the airport in California hours later I pulled myself out of the seat and hurriedly exited the plane, going straight through the terminal. I waited for my bag and once I had it in my hand raced for the exit with my car keys in my mouth, running towards where I left it in the parking lot. I unlocked it, slammed my suitcase in there and drove as fast as I could home.

 

I checked in with the door manager and went up to our apartment - ours - so hopefully she was still there. Getting into the elevator with high hopes but also being a nervous fucking wreck about what I was going to see made me want to lose it. I heard the elevator ding and watched the door split into two, going to our room and opening the door. Thats when I saw it.

 

Her note sitting on the table, I dropped my bag and went over to it, reading it over and over. I felt myself losing it. I crumbled the paper up, holding it against my head. I flipped the dining table, moved both of the couches out of the way, threw my TV through the window. I went to our room and saw everything had been taken away. Everything, every last little bit of her memory and worst of all - Joseph was gone, too. I went back into the living room - entering the kitchen and screamed. I threw every bit of dish I had all over the place, took a knife and tore at the couch, watching feathers go all over our living room. I threw the knife behind me, got onto my knees on the floor in front me and took a piece of glass from the broken window, dragging it across my hand and wrist.

 

I yelled out in searing pain but it soothed the mental ones, thinking about Serenity and Joseph as I leaned forward, watching blood drip onto the hardwood floors, taking the glass and running it across my torso. I noticed Serenity had taken my guitar pick necklace and that was all she had left to remember me by.


	16. Chapter 16

** *THIS CHAPTER IS BEING TOLD BY LOVE LETTERS/POEMS TO EACH OTHER FROM BOTH SERENITY AND BILLIE. I WILL SIGN OFF WHO EACH IS FROM. **

 

_" October 12th, 1994._

 

_I've tried keeping you off of my mind but the harder I do that the more you come back. The nights are getting long and as they arrive and the more I get tired the more you come creeping back into my mind. I awake from terrors, screaming and only worrying Joseph. I knew he wouldn't get it - he's too young, he thinks you're just on tour somewhere, in another continent. I explained to him why we had to leave - some bullshit story like the ones before. 'Oh Joseph the apartment building was getting to cramped, oh Joseph it was swarming with fans because your dad was getting more popular. I knew I'd have to tell him once he got older but for now I was winging it and had no idea how he hadn't caught on. I was in denial of anything that happened at Woodstock that day or the possibility you could still be addicted to drugs, but knowing you and knowing how stubborn you are, I wasn't doubting it._

 

_I had faith you, don't get me wrong, I still do but you clipped my wings and made me lose faith in myself that I could ever be enough to make you stop these silly antics and addictions. I know it isn't easy, I fucking know it isn't and it wasn't easy on me or Joseph to have you away - to just be apart for so long, I couldn't bear it. I never knew if you were okay or if Joseph would be. But once I saw you again, those dazzling green eyes that sent shock waves down my back I knew that I was alright and that we all would be. It turns out I was wrong, and yes you have every right to despise me and blame me for what I did, maybe I took it too far and too personal and seriously but shit - can you blame me?_

 

_I still miss you, I still mumble your name in my sleep meanwhile you've probably forgotten about me. I knew the love songs all those, they were no longer about me as you probably had somebody new by now. Some stripper or mistress you found interest in - god I was so fucking stupid. I thought this all could work and it all would be okay but its not, I'm not, **you're** not. I don't dare speak your name and when Joseph says the word dad it kills me a bit to know he'll have to grow up without one, just as I did._

 

_This isn't about Woodstock or your addiction or any of that this all dates back to the first time we met, the first time we laid eyes on each other. That day when we were both 13 and it was my first day of school and your eyes pierced me in ways I never thought possible. They hit me, looked at me in all the right ways and they did up until you found a new love - a better one, for drugs. **I'm sorry I wasn't enough to make you happy, to keep you sane and feel alive.** I'm sorry you felt the need to do things like that, to destroy yourself in those ways. I'm sorry Bi- I'm just sorry. I'm so sorry and I will NEVER stop being sorry. I will never forgive myself for what I did to you and what I'm letting those things do to you._

 

_I still remember all the bullshit you fed me about pretty much everything, the deep conversations we'd have in bed while taking drags off of joints and you'd carelessly strum your guitar, sing me to sleep. I was thinking about that meadow you took me to once, and its significance. I wanted to go back to Berkeley for that specific spot where we just laid in silence, hearing the sounds of birds intertwine with crickets and frogs as it got later in the day but we didn't care. And we didn't care that we smelled like outside or that we were itchy from the grass. I saw a woman with a floral shirt on the other day and I remembered the meadow and it made me recall the meadow and the days we spent in it in our youth. I remembered the meadow and then remembered you and all the letters I've written to you and like I do possibly every week I went back and read through them._

 

_I've been getting so tired of my thoughts drifting back to you because its killing me slowly like the drugs are doing to you. I'm tired of having these built up emotions towards not only you but myself. Its taking all my energy - the anger, the sadness, all of it and I don't know how much more of it I can take or how much longer before it rips me apart. I don't know if there was a point to feeling these things anymore, or if there was a point to even remembering you because you were just a teenage fantasy that came true for a while. Maybe the comparison is better to heroin in this case. You made me feel good and high off of the ground for awhile, making me feel absolutely fantastic and as if I could take on anything - even my parents. But after awhile the heroin was only good in you and didn't work for me anymore._

 

_Maybe I'm just sad because I'll never get to tell you certain things anymore, I can't consider myself "Mrs.Armstrong" anymore, I can't share the "I love you's" when you're half asleep and lazily say them back and worst of all - I know I'll never hear your voice again unless I listen to your music. That alone pains me, I can't even fucking listen to the music I relied on to make me feel alive anymore because it ALL reminds me OF YOU. The Beatles, Elvis, Sex Pistols, Dead Kennedys, Operation Ivy, THEY WERE ALL COMING BACK AND ADDING UP TO YOU._

 

_I don't think I'm nearly as sad as I was when I left, I think I held onto that too long. I held onto you, the thought of you and loving you for too long after I had left. I don't think I can stop loving you now, its apart of me, wired into my system, drugs pumping through my veins; **that's you.** I knew how you were before all this started and loving you, LOVING THAT PERSON, has given you back to me. I've only now realized that just because we ended how we did does not define what we were._

 

_I was always so afraid I was never going to love you like I did when you were with Hazel or when we first kissed or new years or any of those precious memories we have together. I was always so worried I would never be able to have that feeling wash over me again - to know just how much I loved you as much as I did again. It was terrifying, and I left that all behind._

 

_I'm sorry things didn't work out like we had planned, I'm sorry I wasn't equipped to deal with what I was given. The fact that we didn't get to do the little plans hurts more than the big ones, sometimes. Knowing I'll never get to watch you make me ramen in our small kitchen again, never seeing Mike emerge from his cave every now and again. I don't know exactly, I'm so terrible at letters, I'm so glad you never had to read them while on tour because they were all so boring, long and wordy. I could go on for paragraphs just describing something simple Joseph did that I found absolutely astonishing._

 

_I don't want to remember things but I do, I do I remember everything and its fucking painful, it kills me. But I can remember us and I know I can keep going, I know that I will survive and make it throughout the day. I can't say the same thing for you, but I think that - I think that, the point of this all is that I never really knew who I was or I was never really sure of who I wanted to be until I found you. Up until then I was just existing, but now I'm believing, surviving. If you can impact just one person by being friends, her boyfriend and husband and father of her kid - imagine how many lives you can impact with your inspiring music. I believe in you, there never was and never is a moment when I don't. I always watch your music videos when they come on MTV, my favourite so far is 'Longview' because of how much of you is in it._

 

_It's so wonderful to know I didn't lose you, that this entire time you have always been here next to me. This whole time I'd thought I lost you but all I had to do was remember._

 

_Memories were bliss that way, I can remember us and keep surviving. I can keep going and I'll always know where to find you when I miss you, and I miss you all the time._

 

_I want you to realize that I don't want you to feel guilty for the drugs or any of it, you probably don't but just know I understand why everything happened the way it did. It just happened. We just - it just happened, and we have to accept that and move on. It's alright, I'm alright._

 

_I'll be okay, and hopefully you will be too._

 

_The truth of everything has never been more clear to me, Billie._

 

_And you will always be **my** Billie. _

 

_Yours,_

_Serenity._

 

* * *

 

 

_"April 17th, 2000._

 

_This year marks six since you left and I don't know if I was emotionally prepared for that date to come up in just a matter of months. How has it already been more than half a decade since you left? I always waited for your return, sat in our dingy apartment wondering where you were - I still don't know. I don't even know why I still write about you when all you are is a clouded memory._

 

_The entire time I was with you I had to remind myself to stop looking for things to mess up just because I was used to tragedy didn't mean it always needed to be present in my life for me to feel comfortable. Although we faced a lot of challenges together, I still looked forward because I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with you - it turns out I was wrong because now I'm left here alone. Happiness is good and does not always indicate something bad is waiting to happen. Happiness simply means happiness and I'm only realizing that now, years after your disappearance from my life._

 

_I always wonder if you still think about me, are reminded of me, and wonder if I even cross your mind. I wonder if our paths will cross again and I keep fucking hoping for that day where you'll be in the crowd of one of our shows and I'll see you there and you'll be one of those people I pull onstage to sing the rest of the song with me. Fuck, I knew I was only getting my hopes up._

 

_And god, at times I realize how much I really do miss you and need you because without you I am just here, roaming the earth without purpose. If only I had shown more as to what you are - were, what you were to me maybe you would have stayed. My mother keeps asking about you and the answer is always the same. 'No I haven't heard from her since 94' and I know I won't now.' I wish she'd stop asking, I've stopped answering her calls because its always the same, asking about you, YOU. She doesn't care enough to ask about me, how my mental health is. I disgust her and she loved you more than she ever did me, even if it didn't seem like it._

 

_I remember how much I once wanted you and how much at one point I despised you for leaving, for taking Joseph away from me. I miss him, his laugh, his voice and always seeing him when I got off tour, walking through our front door and him running up to me, hugging me. I wonder if you think I still have that shitty apartment your dad got us, I don't. I couldn't stay there anymore, there was too much of you there. I bet your smell is still looming through the air._

 

_How you left me is beyond unfair, and sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it but I need to remind myself that nothing I say or do will ever change a thing, because you're happier now, happier without me. What did I do wrong? Do you still love me? Do you still think of me? Get drunk because of me? I wish things were the same as they had been six years ago - when I had you wrapped around my finger._

 

_Now I hate you, I hate the fucking thought of you even though all my goddamn songs are about you, ARE ABOUT YOU. YOU MIGHT THINK THEY'RE ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE SERENITY BUT THEY'RE NOT. THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN AND ALWAYS WILL BE ABOUT YOU. FUCKING YOU, YOU ITS ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT YOU AND JOSEPH AND YOU TWO WERE MY LIFE SOURCE BUT NOW THAT YOUR GONE THE MORPHINE NUMBING THE PAIN IS GONE AND NOW ITS ALL RUSHING BACK, THE HEADACHES, THE PANIC ATTACKS ALL OF IT - YOU TOOK THAT AWAY FROM ME, HELD ME DOWN, RESTRAINED IT ALL BACK LIKE A GODDAMN STRAIGHT JACKET. NOW, I BELONG IN ONE OF THOSE IN A GODDAMN PADDED ROOM. I'M SORRY I LET YOU DOWN, I'M SORRY I LET JOSEPH DOWN, I'M SORRY I FAILED AS A FATHER AND A HUSBAND BECAUSE I PROMISED I'D ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU AND NEVER LET YOU GO, I PROMISED I'D ALWAYS BE THERE, I KEPT THOSE PROMISES EVEN WHEN ALCOHOL WAS ON MY BREATH AND YOU HATED THE SMELL OF IT BUT STILL KISSED ME BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T RESIST FEELING MY LIPS. I MISS YOURS._

 

_I think I just missed you, I missed everything about you. I've kissed a couple of girls since you but none of them were the same, they didn't have the perfect lips that matched up to mine, my sync and I couldn't taste their breath like I could with yours and they didn't gasp whenever I kissed them. You did all that with one simple motion and in that it took MY breath away, it sent sparks down my spine and arms, making me want to lose control of myself. I miss you, I miss your hands that were always cold and created goosebumps on my arms, I miss you and how amazed you had been at how muscular I had gotten from guitar playing. I miss you and I miss how you'd claw at my back just when I kissed your neck. I missed you and I missed the sound of your voice - I can't hear it now._

 

_I'm sorry Serenity._

_-_

_I'm sorry._

_-_

_I miss you._

_-_

_I love you._

-

_It hurts to say your name._

 

_I regret all the time I have wasted. I regret all the time I have wasted not telling you how much I love you. I regret all the time I have wasted not telling you in full detail just how beautiful you are. I regret all the time I have wasted being angry. I regret all the time I have wasted being sad. **I regret all the time I have wasted loathing the past, loathing you.** I regret all the time I have wasted saying the wrong things. I regret all the time I have wasted of thinking of what to say. But most of all I regret all the time I have wasted not saying anything at all._

 

_The miles between us disintegrating into the minutes I've been counting since we last spoke. As those minutes soon become hours which have turned into days of me laying around waiting for a piece of correspondence. Weeks that intertwined into months which transformed into years. Years of constant worrying if you're thinking of me as much as I you. Pestering myself with my own thoughts, wondering if you'll give me so much as a second of your attention today._

 

_\- Billie."_

 

* * *

 

 

_"February 17th, 2005._

 

_I saw you on the TV today when Joseph got home from school and changed the channel to MTV, they were playing your song to celebrate your birthday. It made me wonder how you were doing and just what you were doing at that moment in time. Had you been looking as adorable as ever strumming your guitar? Your favourite guitar? The guitar I had gotten you? All these thoughts rushed through my mind as I heard your bands new hit "Holiday" on the speakers of the TV while I was washing a dish. I broke down and my knees gave out - just to hear your voice again, it was enough to make something like that happen._

 

_It had been ten years since we spoke, ten. How had that much time gone by already? I still refused to buy any of your new albums since they came out, but I always heard teenagers in public talking about you. "Oh man hey have you got the new Green Day album?" "Nah not yet dude, but I'm going to pick it up later." "Hah yeah that Billie Joe guy is extremely talented." ALL THEY SAID WERE POSITIVE THINGS, and all I had to think about you were positive things, but none of them know you like I do, none of them have been behind closed doors with you and sat down and asked your opinion on everything. I know this was all one big joke to you but all I ever wanted to be was the most important thing to you._

 

_I turned to face the television that Joseph had been sat in front of, he was now 15 and staring his drug addicted father in the face through a screen. I watched as you laughed, smiled and had a good time. It was almost as if I never existed to you or you had forgotten about me. Gorgeous smiles that intertwine with the chilling sound of your voice, mesmerizing me into a trance I never wanted to leave. Black spiky hair, not how I remembered, and your well shaped eyebrows, a glare that could leave you weak in the knees. Voice looming over the speakers in my ears as I get lost in someone I never had expected to fall in love with._

 

_Everything hurt me, just to hear you again, to know you're still okay and alive, it was killing me but also gave me what I needed to survive. I didn't want to be alone anymore, I needed you. I was at my breaking point and I knew that I needed you again, to lift me up. The smell of cigarettes and alcohol - I fucking missed it. The kisses left on my body, the cold air attaching itself to the wet kisses you left on me, it made me feel alive, feel human. I was never put back together just right after I had lost you._

 

_Lips wet and heavy that leave my neck soaking and wanting more, callused fingertips pressed against mine that linger on my skin. The short hair that tickles my skin and heavy breathing I could never get enough of. You are not simply only the sunflower or the daisy or the rose, you are not one flower you are the whole garden._

 

_I want you to know how it took every single fucking bone and muscle in my body to say hello to you in the morning. I want you to know that no matter what pain you cause upon me every single day I still seem to find a way to look past it all and love you no matter what._

 

_Watch me lose everything, all the love, happiness and hope that you gave to me. Watch me fall apart, as you drift and fade away. Your memory faded like the sun and receded like the tides and now I'm left with nothing. Nobody. Still loving you and wondering why I ever thought I could be what you want._

 

_There I was, begging and pleading and screaming. Telling you that I would jump in front of a bus for you, swim across the ocean for you, go to the end of the earth for you. Telling you I would do anything for you and you looked me in the eye with such agony that I had to look away. "Its not enough," you shouted through the pounding of my eardrums._

_I grasped the moral of our story then. It could never be that easy. That love would be simple had we only oceans to swim or an end to venture towards. We could probably even make a game of it. But the reality of love is hardly a reality at all. Despite the famous cliché "Actions speak louder than words" you can't change how somebody sees you with their actions. Regardless of the fact you would foolishly harm yourself for this person's sake, they have no obligation to love you back._

 

_"You can't insist, through repeated action, that someone is now indebted to you because you have proven that you are worth of something." - Chelsea Fagan. They won't always love you back. They don't have to love you back. It's a curious thing, that your actions do not always affect your reality._

 

_Yours,_

_Serenity."_

 

* * *

 

 

_"December 20th, 2009._

 

_More time has passed and fuck did I miss you more, I was spending another Christmas without you, another Christmas alone in my big house. I recalled the day we sat on the cliff, holding hands, preparing to jump. I knew that in that very moment is how I felt falling in love with you, first fast and once we hit the water it all came at once. I still couldn't tell if falling off of that cliff hurt less than falling for you._

 

_Somewhere in the world somebody is falling in love and somebody is falling off of a building and I somehow tried to decipher the difference._

 

_I wanted to be the only blanket you carry room to room through your home, hanging over your shoulders, clenched in front of your chest, still damp with your tears and warding off any enemies that would do you harm._

 

_Humans twisting between two thumbs pressing down on mind and motion, their ribs protruding and their spines bending in. I am the two thumbs, I am not on your mind or the reason you move to step towards me. I am not embedded in your bones and I am now sure we are not two parts of one whole. I have a means to leave whatever I break in pieces on the floor for somebody to step on. I studied your patterns and could major in your habits, as you could mine. You stared at me as if I was as vital as an organ rather than as deadly as I am. My kisses are poison and I leave scars on the skin I mean to caress. You let me in like a zookeeper luring the beast back into its cage. Your chest not my home, I'll be gone by morning, despite the lock you leave dangling around my wrist._

 

_Of all creation who breathes it is you robbing me of my lungs' ability, the electricity of your presence shocks me into memories. They pull on my coat because it is cold in my own heart unlike your fingertips melting the ice of my first impressions. Part of me resides in your throat and I wait on you to swallow me yet. I am nothing if not a reflection in your irises. Violence of dawn is enough to redirect me to your voice for discouragement. I was never taught that this fear could keep me safe from fears. You hold your own tongue and you land on both your feet and I am still stumbling to regain balance. A beggar might ask me for some change and I will rid myself of you this time. Yesterday you said goodnight and it is as dark as night until you say good morning and I seem to wait for the sun to rise with your chest. This was not supposed to happen, you were supposed to flood the garden now the flowers are blooming._

 

_First I lost my dad, and then you and Joseph. Somehow nothing turned in my favor. I knew it was only a matter of time before you disappeared like my father - erased from my future and doomed to spend my life a fuck up, a fuck up who wound up alone._

 

_I met a girl who dreaded her skin just as much as I despised my own. This girl battled everything within. But for some reason she didn't hide the raging war inside. She let me see the relatable tragedy. The internal shadows were dark as the flickering lights in the abandoned park. This girl knew me inside out. She is the most beautiful person I know and I will never let go. Our relationship was a surprise, little did this girl know is that she saved me from my demise._

 

_Everyone has their fix whether it be the sting of a blade, or a drug with a trip. It could be the craving of pain, or the lust for fear, some of us try to refrain and hide from what is real. A fallen angel with a taste for destruction, accompanied by my fear of reduction. She entered my life to help for the better. She told me it was her time to go, but I couldn't let her. I made a promise and engraved it in stone, that we would never leave each other, we will not be left alone._

 

_No one ever told me that when you grow up you have to fight your own heart until it has you pinned to the ground begging for mercy and now I'm pinned to the ground wondering when the fuck did love become a gambling game. I have a terrible poker face, I was born with a bad hand._

 

_-Billie"_

 

* * *

 

 

_"March 10th, 1992._

 

_I've been trying to find a way to show you that I want you more than anything in the world, without my shyness parting my efforts like my damp hair through the brush after our first shower together. I want your lips fused with mine, I want our hands permanently intertwined. I want to be near you and with you more than I want the stars in the sky._

 

_My played out actions passive at best but my mind draws out a story that you'd read novels about. I try a few drinks, to loosen myself up. Then a pill to calm my nerves. Down the hatch with my fear and out the top with my desire._

 

_I want to make you feel one of a kind. Because to me you're nothing short of flawless and not a glimmer under mesmerizing. I need your insecurities to be put to rest, and for my truthful words to fill your head. I need you like the grass we lay on needs the rain we hid from. The rain that had our hands interlocked as we splashed through the parking lot together, until reaching our ride with drops of chilled water rimming our eyes._

 

_I want you constantly and need you always. Please allow me the opportunity to show you what you deserve, and I promise I won't do you wrong like others. Give me a lifetime to help you recover._

 

_Yours,_

_Serenity."_

 

_"March 10th, 2012._

 

_Twenty years since I wrote you my first love letter, almost twenty since I left you. You were now 40 years of age and I was as well, reaching this old age - knowing how pathetic it was of me to even still bother writing you, I almost gave up. But I needed to, just one last time, then I'd archive them forever. Everything reminds me of you, more than usual, if possible. I would give anything for another night together, keeping each other warm and I regret not taking every change I had to kiss you._

 

_How I wish I could've kissed you more and held you closer and slept less just to enjoy your company, or every moment I was given where I stayed quiet instead of simply talking to hear your voice. I should have taken acid with you, melt our tongues together and become unglued._

 

_Here, take this knife, stab me, I know you want to. You dream of it when your head hits that pillow at night. So go ahead, here's your chance. Stab me in the stomach; turn me into an empty, black hole. Take a jab at my leg; make it impossible for me to keep chasing you. Poke out my eyes and put an end to my careful acts of constantly looking out for you. Maybe stab me in the arm; I promise it'll keep me from reaching out to you with every feeble, pathetic action I attempt._

 

_Or take that knife and shove it right through my ear; force me to forget the sound of your voice. While you're at it, twist the handle upward, and push. Send that knife into my brain, and allow my mind to spill out every single memory and thought of you that consumes me._

 

_But if thats not enough, stare down at that sharp piece of metal. Allow the mirrored metallic to display your reflection, take a good look at your face. Trace every detail of your complexion, and know that I am in complete and undeniable love with every curve and crack. Then take that piece of metal; that reflection of yourself and stab it through my heart. Let every ounce of blood pour out of my chest, every last drop that had once coursed through my veins for you._

 

_Once the life drains from my eyes along with the crimson in my core, let me drop dead, but keep that knife in my heart. Let me drift out with your reflection. Just allow me to keep one tiny piece of you, to prove that I wasn't lying when I said I'd love you no matter what._

 

_The air was cold, my frozen breath whispered quiet complaints as my near frost bit fingers brought the cigarette to my lips once more. Letting the glowing stem drop from my grasp into the snow below as I exhaled a final sigh of smoke. I was nervous. Contemplating everything under the currently fog covered sun._

_I've been thinking a lot about you lately. A lot about how you’re the only thing keeping me happy. Wind whipping at my face, forcing my eyelashes to intertwine; just as I wish our fingers could do the same._

 

_There’s something about the cold that makes me think of you; thousands of miles away in the comfortable embrace of warm climates and graceful weather. The distance between us, my dear, is what I am pondering today. The twisting transformation of frosted mornings in the north, to the breeze of balmy eastern coasts. I imagine you rising from slumber, peering through your bright sunlit room as you pull a blanket over your face. I wish I could have the privilege to be that undeniably lucky piece of material. What a lovely thing it would be to switch places with that blanket._

 

_Laying beside you, slowly blinking up at your ceiling, slowly letting my head fall to the left; where you lay._

 

_You’ve given me my favorite side of the bed. The right side._

 

_The safe side._

 

_Protected between the sturdy wall, warding off all subconscious scares I could possibly conjure up in my twisted mind. Protected between an inanimate board and you, my love._

_It’s getting late. I’ve been watching the numbers on my phone tick by, and the hands on the old grandfather clock spin. My fingers drum the table and I contemplate dialing your number. That same number I once had memorized just months ago. Months, broken down into days, disintegrated to a matter of hours which once again became years. Just years ago, I meant everything to you. I long for that time, just hours ago, when I was you’re everything. You were my world. And I long to call you, whisper that truth I've been wishing to tell you._

 

_But the fact that you’ve forgotten me long ago, is holding me back. The funny thing about how I work is, I cannot forget people you see. Once someone enters my life, they intertwine themselves with my mind. Not just a memory, but a reoccurring thought. A thought that crawls out of the depths of my brain every night, at that same exact time. Coincidentally, that time is now. 2:47am. the sun has fallen and risen, yet I am still conscious, and my mind is still racing. Sprinting laps around that simple number. Your number. Debating whether I should type that number and hit call. Whether the line will fall flat, or the call will lead me straight to you. Straight to that voice. Your voice. Just another factor I miss about you. A matter of months, days, weeks or years ago, you were the breath in my lungs, the blood in my veins, the bones in my back. The thing you may not know is;_

 

_you still are._

 

_Yours,_

_Serenity."_

 

* * *

 

 

_"November 23rd, 1987._

 

_Endless: a word that describes you._

_Endless amounts of strands of hair that fall from your head._

_Endless amounts of smiles that appear on your face._

_Endless amounts of moments we share._

_Endless amounts of problems we face._

_Endless amounts of bad thoughts._

_Endless amounts of good times._

_Endless amounts of good things._

_Endless amounts of journeys we endure._

_Endless amounts of_

_Endless amounts_

_Endless._

_And then there's you,_

_an endless book of adventures that have yet to be written._

_All I know is I'd like to be there to write them with you._

 

_\- Billie."_

 

_"November 23rd, 2012._

 

_I was sitting on a bus in the middle of the road waiting for a stop light. I stared at the sky and realized I wanted to get into an accident._

 

_I wanted it to be catastrophic. I wanted everyone else to be fine; perfectly unharmed. But I wanted to get hurt._

 

_Not to die, just hurt enough to wake up in a hospital a month or two later. I want to get hurt enough to realize how badly I don't want to die._

 

_I want something to hit me in the fucking face and show me that life is worth living._

 

_Popping pills mixed with alcohol was my new addiction, heh, new. As if I ever gave up drugs after you had left. You leaving only made me throw myself into them more. I couldn't stand being sober because when I was EVERYTHING reminded me of you, thoughts of you always came rushing back. I couldn't take it anymore so eventually I was just drunk off my ass all the time._

 

_I decided to be alone and I decided it didn't matter how many bruises I could leave on my own skin and I decided pounding the walls was better than tearing them down. I realized people only want me to make them feel good, I'm like a one night stand for emotions._

 

_I want you to make a home of me. Right now it feels as if you're only keeping a toothbrush in my heart for the rare nights you spend sleeping over in my chest. I want you to live in the crook of my shoulder. I want you to use my ears as your journal. I want to kiss every single one of your fingers goodnight and then every single one of your toes in case they'd be jealous. I want you to reconstruct the pieces of me needing a little work and maybe you could paint me a smile and we could watch movies from sunrise to sunset and regret absolutely nothing._

 

_We'd known each other for a long time and we look into each others eyes, we dissolve into each other. Meaningless words fill in my thoughts as they pour throughout my mouth but you don't seem to process them. I rarely go out and I don't like to talk to my roommates or their infinite revolving door of guests and fridge raiding couch surfers._

 

_I forgot the feeling of being in love with someones laugh, the way they explain things, the way they look at you as if you're their only life source and the feeling of their hand in yours. A hint of smoke left from the previous drag you took off of your most recent cigarette, watching it wither away just as you had._

 

_Thoughts of you fill my head as the imagination of our fingers latching to one anothers becomes the most beautiful thing I can conjure up. I seem to miss her more everyday just as I do with the colorful leaves on the trees and the warm breeze lingering upon my cheeks. Drunk slurred, sloppy lies I only allowed you to hear when I was far away enough from sobriety to speak those things. Yet the truth only ever passed my lips when I was laid out on our couch with a bottle clasped between my fingers where her own belonged._

 

_Longing for your presence next to me filling the vacancy of my bed as my fingers tremble on my favorite lighter watching the flickering fire. Today it is dreary and rainy outside and I am stuck inside filling my ears with the sound of music I_ _want to be listening to with you._

 

_I fought for three reasons, I can't remember what they were. The first reason gets you in. And the reason when you're in is staying alive. I won't know the reason they find afterwards, but it was a very good reason for why it was fought. I'm sure they'll be glad. And I'm not a thief really, I never found anything worth keeping._

 

_-Billie."_


	17. Chapter 17

*Serenity's POV*

 

The year was 2012 and I was at the grocery store with Joseph who was wondering around, looking at the fish. I sighed as I picked out a box of cereal and I heard a song of yours stir over the speaker, it was one of your new ones. I heard it on the radio in the car, too. I hated it, I hated seeing or being reminded of you. I know your new albums had come out and I didn't know if I was ready for it, for Joseph to go out and buy it, come home with it and blare it from the speakers of his laptop.

 

Everything reminded me of you, I remember when we would go grocery shopping and fuck with all the workers. When we would rush down the hallways and I'd be sat in the basket with you behind me, pushing me and we'd select something we didn't need but wasted money on anyway. I remember when we'd go record shopping - hah, records. I hadn't listened to those since 1996. My favourite album of yours was always 'Nimrod.' I don't know why but when Joseph brought it home I replayed it for an entire week. I still listen to it.

 

I remember when we would visit Mike at the garage and we'd always fuck with him, clattering tools all around him and he'd get pissed and jump when they hit the floor. Hm, Mike, I missed him too. He was my best friend at one point, now I was sure he hated me, just as you did. I wonder if you remembered me, if you still thought about me. I don't know if it was all too much for you like it is me, but whenever thoughts of you rush back into my mind I feel like someone is kicking me in the fucking gut.

 

Don't get me wrong, I was always and still am proud of you, for how far you've come. You kicked depressions ass, however for me, I was still stuck in 1990. It'd almost been 20 years since I left you and I wondered how you were holding up today. What outfit had you picked out for today? Were you performing today? What would you do if I just showed up to one of your shows and you saw me in the crowd? I knew all the words to your songs - sometimes I'd sit in my office and watch videos of you with fans. You were now 40 but still looked 20, and I was a sad sack of nothing who only let you down. I'm sorry I turned your world into shit, I should have never came into your life.

 

I knew I was probably your biggest regret and I never knew if you had gotten remarried or - I couldn't even finish that thought. Joseph was now 22 and it hurt seeing him so old, he grew up far too fast. He was in college now, studying to be a historian and all he wants to know is if you'd be proud of him. I didn't know then - in 94' that had been the last chapter of us, of our book, that it would be done and finished there and then.

 

I heard that Green Day had been doing a live TV performance tonight and honestly, I couldn't wait to get home to watch it. I sounded like some pathetic teenager who was hopelessly in love with Billie, knowing he'd never be with someone my age, but it wasn't that. I was his wife - ex, that is. But it was as if I was going to be in the crowd, watching, supporting, cheering him on. It wasn't the same as it had been before, and god wouldn't you be proud to know how right you were, I can't live without you.

 

We were at the checkout and I noticed the lady had a shirt on of yours, along with some pins, singing along to your song. I tried to keep my calm and she noticed my ring - our ring - the ring you gave me the day we married. Her eyebrows raised and Joseph got a couple of the bags as I carried the rest. I wanted to break down then and there, alone, in the middle of the parking lot. It hurt to see you - YOU WERE EVERYWHERE.

 

It killed me with every breath I took that you weren't here. We got to the car and I broke down, Joseph tried turning on the radio to help calm me down but guess what, there was you. I couldn't bear seeing you, hearing you, anything to do with you only brought back memories I tried drowning out. Nothing was worth it anymore, there was no use.

 

On the drive home it was quiet, the radio off, the windows down and the wind pelting my hair in my face. Joseph didn't say anything, he was going back to college soon and I'd be alone once again. He told me about his girlfriend, and I told him what an idiot he was to think it'd last or they'd be together forever and to second guess everything - maybe I was feeding him the wrong information.

 

We came to a stop light and thats when he noticed the tears running down my face. He asked what was wrong but I couldn't bring myself to reply because he sounded and looked so much like you. In Joseph's 22 years, the most I looked at him was in his first 3 - when you were around.

 

Pulling into the driveway as I got out of the car as fast as I could, forgetting everything and leaving Joseph with the groceries, leaving it all behind just as I did to you. I ran through the door and sat on the couch, turning on some music channel that was airing your concert, watching you jump around on the stage. I always wondered how you got so high being so short. You pumped up the crowd and connected with them in ways I knew I'd never understand or get to feel ever again. The infatuation you had for them was once what you had for me,  **and that was the last time I saw you.**

 

* * *

 

 

It was December 28th, 2012 and I got a call early that morning, the previous day being an emotional roller coaster I just wanted to get off. Pulling myself out of bed, I dragged my feet across the floor, taking my palm to my eyes and rubbing. I couldn't find the phone in the barely lit room so I just followed the sound of the ringing.

 

Once I picked it up, holding it to my ear I said. "Hello?"

"S-Serenity Powell?" I heard a mans voice say, still unable to comprehend what was going on or what they had to say due to being half asleep.

"Yes? This is her." I answered their question.

"Its about Billie."

"Joe Armstrong?" I asked stupidly, what other Billie did I know?

"Yes ma'am." The voice firmly answered.

"Okay and uh, may I ask who is calling."

"This is Mike." The person immediately replied and I dropped the phone as it hit the floor and hearing him say his name - I knew something was wrong.

Leaning down to pick up the phone once again I put it back up to my ear and heard him sobbing uncontrollably, "W-what is it?" I asked lifelessly.

"Were you watching the performance last night?"

"Y-yes."

"For how long?" He immediately retorted.

"Until the end."

"Yes well after that stopped airing we did an encore and Billie he-"

"What? WHAT DID HE DO?" I screamed into the phone, anxiously waiting a reply.

There was a long pause before Mike answered, I heard him take a deep breath in and say. "Billie overdosed, in front of 12,000 people. Billie swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills - he just fucking downed them right in front of everyone and he - he mixed it with alcohol and I-"

I cut him off and just sheepishly said, "W-what." I felt the life drain from me, the colour fade from my body, I was a ghost. I felt the reality of his words set in but refused to believe it, but knew I had to. I looked at my closet and I still, to this day had the same suit he wore on our wedding day. I vowed then and there that would be what he will be buried in.

"The funeral will be held tomorrow if you want to come that is and say a few words about him."

"O-of course I do I just don't know how I'll-"

"Break the news to Joseph?"

"Y-yeah." I hung up the phone and slammed it down on the receiver, felt my ankles give out and my knees hit the floor. I leaned over, burying my face into my hands and sobbing as my hair closed off the world around me. The world felt as if it was spinning around me, spiraling out of control and I don't know if I can contain it any longer.

 

I heard footsteps approach me and pick me up off of the floor, pulling me over to the breakfast nook and rubbed my back, I looked up to see Joseph. Pulling away from him and leaning back into the chair, sobbing relentlessly. I got out of the chair and wrapped my arms around Joseph, and felt his do the same, clutching the fabric on my back into balls in his fists.

 

"Y-you want some breakfast, hmm?" I asked, pulling away and went over to the fridge, pulling out the bread as I bumped into the milk and it fell, spilling everywhere. I slipped and just laid there in the milk that was now all over me. I didn't want to pick myself up, I didn't want to try. There was no point. At least when I was without Billie I knew he was okay - I knew he was al- I stopped myself there. I couldn't think of him in any other way.

 

My tears mixed with the milk and thats when Joseph came over to me, picking me up off the floor, stroking my cheek in a loving way and saying, "Don't cry over spilled milk, mum."

"D-do you know?" He nodded in response, telling me he picked up the other phone and listened in on the conversation. He told me I had woken him up with my screaming in the middle of the night and I apologized but he told me he'd been used to it now. I felt him slip away as I watched him walk into my bedroom and heard him pulling out our suitcases.

 

I got up off the floor, my clothes wet and I left the mess there. I joined him and carefully I got the suit out of my closet he wore on our wedding day.

 

"Are you sure thats going to fit him still?"

"The man stopped growing when he was fourteen, of course it will." I chuckled while running a hand across the tuxedo I laid across my bed. I zipped it back up in the protective case, packing some clothes, clothes he had bought me long ago that I hadn't touched since my teenage years. I swallowed my spit and wet my mouth as I heard Joseph leave the room, returning with a pile of his clothes.

 

I packed things I was going to wear to the funeral, a dress I had a long long time ago I knew he loved on me. It was his favourite, it was black and he picked it out for me. He always told me it brought out my figure and that I looked utterly beautiful in it. But he always said he preferred me naked.

 

I looked at the clock and began to cry, knowing we weren't too far from Berkeley, just upstate. I watched as the hands on the clock ticked by, another minute passing as I roam the earth at which just hours ago you did too. It was killing me slowly, eating me alive just to know that we will never be able to hold hands - and if we do, yours will be cold and lifeless. Your lips a pale pink that will never move again, will never feel the warm breath and saliva that I always felt when we sloppily kissed.

 

I was looking for a point - I couldn't find one. A point to moving on, a point to keeping myself alive. My mental health was becoming unstable once again when I think about how in the fuck am I going to survive in this world without you. Is this the point you were trying to get across? Is this how awful it was for you when I left? I ran a hand through my hair and stared at Joseph as he packed the rest of the things he needed and was ready to go down to Berkeley before I knew it. He picked out random clothes for me and put them in my suitcase for me, knowing that I wasn't ready to handle anything as of right now.

 

He propped himself up on the bed next to me, feeling it sink down. Rubbing my back as a coping mechanism which I don't think really was a good one at all but it felt good to have him there - to know he was okay.

 

He held his mother while she cried let her dig her nails into his back poking his exposed spine like claws as he arched over. Wiped the tears from her eyes, he craned his neck to plant a kiss on her forehead. She buried her face in his shoulder and whispered, "I lost my husband." The subs crawled upon her as fog creeps onto a village. First slowly, until she gave in and allowed the sadness to succumb her. Its odd to witness firsthand how the roles of mother and son can alternate in a time of weakness. He didn't know how to make her feel better, he couldn't distract the unavoidable. He cannot reverse the curse of time. All he could promise was all he managed to say, he pulled away, looked her in the eye and said, "I love you."

 

We pulled ourselves together and slugged off of the bed together, exiting the room, our small dingy house and packing the car. We were only about 2 hours from Berkeley and as I stared at him, he brought me his Green Day CD collection, telling me this is what we'd be listening to for the next two hours. I nodded and we got into the car, he put the first CD in, which was 1,039/Smooth and I remember that one, it was such a good one. I knew Billie had a good time recording it. We listened to them all as I watched him motion between moving CDs in and out of the playing the next one, all in order chronologically. I fell in love with you all over again - your eyes, your voice, your messy hair, your callused fingers that were always rough on my thighs but I never minded because they were yours and just feeling you was all I needed.

 

I wish I could your voice one last time, to hear you tell me you love me. Thats when Joseph told me about this song you had written for me called 'Cigarettes and Valentines.' I asked him how he knew and thats when he looked at me with a surprised look, as if I didn't know. I shrugged and told him I hadn't listened to Green Day since we- well, anyway he told me all about these songs that you had written for me. For me. I couldn't believe it, songs you had written about me. It wasn't something I could really bring myself to believe because of how many girls threw themselves at you and you could have anybody you wanted.

 

He played it for me and I began wanting to cry, breaking down while driving wasn't something I was good at. But I tried to stay focused and I couldn't believe what I was hearing - what I was listening to. I made Joseph replay it at least fifty times and before I knew it I saw a sign that said "Welcome to Berkeley." And by that time I knew all the lyrics to that song you had written about me, for me.

 

I pulled up to the address Mike had given us and walked in with my suitcase - it was our old apartment building. "Ah yes, miss Serenity Powell!" I heard the doorman say and I looked it him, it was still the same man nearly 20 years later. I gasped and hugged him as he took my hand and took me up to the old apartment and I walked into the room, crying as I saw Mike and Tré there, Mike was with his wife who was oh so cute, she was absolutely lovely and just all around beautiful and they brought their kids. Joseph looked at me questioningly and went up to Mike, hugging him.

 

"Hey man - I remember when you were just a little shit and were shorter than your damn dad."

"Hah yeah, well now I'm a big shit."

 

I covered my mouth and stood still in the spot as if my feet had been glued there, my eyes filled with tears and I looked at the apartment - set up just how it was when I left. They told me this building had been shut down because Billie and I were the last paying customers in a long time and that since I left then Billie followed, it was shut down but never transformed into anything else. I took my first steps farther into the room, looking at the torn up couch that had caused feathers to be on the floor, mixed with the glass from the window. And thats when I actually thought about it - I actually contemplated it for a moment.

 

Thats when Joseph came over to me, rubbing my shoulder and I went into my old - our old bedroom, skimming through our record collection that I had completely forgotten about, that I had left behind. I recalled the vinyl and remembered days we spent in this room, laying on this same bed and cuddling or even having sex that we attempted to drown out with music. Mike had always been in the room next to ours, had I known if he could hear us? Fuck no.

 

I went back out into the room and stepped on the glass, hearing it crunch under my feet. Mike had a box in his hands, and I went up to him as he gestured me over, pushing it into my stomach. I placed it on the counter, opening it and the first thing I saw was love letters, handwritten lyrics and then I noticed on the side of the box it says 'Serenity.'

 

The first one I pulled out dated back to even before we had been dating, in fact it was the first day of school the year we met and honestly I - I didn't know what to say or think.

 

_"September 8th, 1985_

 

_I saw this girl on the bus today, she was new, I knew for a fact I hadn't seen her before. I knew everybody at that school but they didn't know me. And honestly I was surprised when she looked at me. I didn't expect someone like her - someone like that to even acknowledge me, or at least look at me. It was overwhelming to have been given attention. I imagined what was under that skirt she had been wearing and when I got home I couldn't contain myself._

 

_My thoughts about her - who she was were uncontrollable. She seemed so complex, so intriguing and she was a mystery. I took her away from class so I could talk to her, get to know her but I knew my chances were slim. I knew I'd never match up to someone she really would want. But god I looked at her lips, her full lips and wanted to put mine on hers and I just - she was so - I can't even think of words to fucking describe her. I was already infatuated with her! Shes the one I wish I had over Hazel._

 

_She was nervous around me, I could tell. She wanted to seem cool, to impress me and actually, it was pretty hot how scared I made her. But, at the same time I didn't want her to be afraid of me. I wanted her to view me as soft around the edges, as a guy who could defend her glory and write her corny love songs and sing her to sleep._

 

_I wanted to know her story, why was she here? What the fuck was here in Berkeley, I didn't even know this girl but I knew she was too damn good for this place. I can't believe I got nervous and walked away from her - she was right there, practically checking me out and I got nervous and insecure and unsure of what to say and fucking left her standing there like an idiot. What was this damn girl doing to me? I'd never felt this serious about anyone not even Hazel, was this a sign?_

 

_I can see myself in the future with her by my side when we're old and I'm in a famous band with Mike and Tré and she's there on the sides, screaming at me, yelling and saying - always saying the right things. Hell, she was my support. Maybe I'll actually show up to school tomorrow just to see her. I can see myself in the future at a wedding with her, big one because she wants her family there, all of them. And she has a beautiful dress - so beautiful oh my god it outlines her beauty._

 

_It was unfair, she was unfair, how could she just fucking stand there and look so beautiful without even doing anything or even trying? She was driving me mad - no I had to shake these thoughts of her but they just kept reoccurring and somehow this girl without even giving me her goddamn name gave me more hope and faith in life than Hazel ever did._

 

_Maybe Hazel was just a ploy for my sadness, to dump it all on because of my dad. Maybe Hazel was just a remedy - like drugs - alcohol to cure the sadness. Maybe that's why I was with her, to make me forget my pain, my sadness. I was numb - desensitized - I had no real feelings for her. When I thought about her all I felt was a friend there but with this girl she just - she blew my mind. Everything about her was utterly perfect and it shocked me how this girl that I didn't even know, I met and now within the span of an hour I'm at home writing in my goddamn journal about her._

 

_This felt unreal, this was the shit movies, books and love songs were for - these things weren't for me, not for people like me. She probably thought I was an asshole and really, I want to keep it that way, man I gotta stay away from this fucking girl._

 

_-Billie."_

 

My eyes started to water with one hand holding the note and the other covering my mouth. I hadn't realized how infatuated he truly was with me I - I never understood and I never will. I didn't know he was so passionate about it all - about me, not since the day we met I didn't think he was - I couldn't believe what I was reading and I needed a minute to process it all.

 

I rummaged through the box some more as Mike watched me, it was strange seeing him. He had gotten taller than he was before and his voice deeper. Nothing was the same between us, I couldn't say the same for Tré and I. I don't think he could ever hate anyone. When I think back to Billie I think back to how much he dwelled on everything, how much he hated himself and when he messed up and how he - he overthought on everything so I guess the thoughts became too much for him.

 

What hurt me even more is the fact that he did it in front of fans - I can't imagine how badly that fucked them up. I looked over at the broken glass on the floor and noticed one of the shards had blood on it. Thinking, knowing that it was Billie's made me want to pass out. I hadn't been to this place in years and just, being back here made me so hesitant about even going on in life. I saw that Tré, Mike and Brittany, Mike's wife were all dressed in black and Joseph and I exited the room with our suitcases, going to change.

 

I got in the dress Billie had picked out for me when I was about 17 and squeezed myself into it, looking into the mirror, sucking my stomach in and sighing. I looked down at the tights and pulled them on, along with some black flats. I did my hair like he always liked it - partially up with some of the front hanging down. I brushed myself off and went to do my makeup. Mascara, eyeshadow, eyeliner and lipstick. Billie always told me red was my colour. He loved it on me ever since he first saw my hair dyed red, heh, and to think I was doing that to impress him. But I never needed to.

 

I walked out of the room with Billie's tuxedo in my arms and saw Joseph in his suit, I smiled at him, he was so handsome and he could never know just how proud of him I am and how proud of him his father would be. We didn't share many words but I grabbed the box and we exited the apartment, locking the door and trugged towards the stairs as the elevator no longer worked. We told the man we'd be back and we all got into the same car with the chauffeur and as he pulled off I was not ready for this in the slightest.

 

I felt the car in motion and when it moved I wanted to puke, I broke down in the car and thats when Brittany comforted me, shushing me and singing me one of his songs. I hated saying his name now because it only revolved around him.

 

_"I don't want to go back home, I don't want to kiss goodnight, let us paralyze this moment till it dies.."_

 

I heard her begin and wanted this all to be a dream - to be a nightmare. I couldn't bear life without him, everywhere I looked - he was there. I leaned onto the door of the car and looked up at the clouds in the sky, wondering where Billie was right now.

 

"Oh Serenity-" I heard Mike say and he caught my attention and I looked at him with a puzzled look on my face as he handed me a note, a piece of paper that had chicken scrawls on it. I'm assuming Billie was drunk when he wrote this one. "That's his note, his uh - suicide note."

 

_"Serenity, I wanted you - no, I needed you to know that all this, all of this was always for you. All of it no matter what doubt you have, no matter what casted upon you to think that I ever stopped loving you. I am terribly sorry that I'm letting you down like this but just know that our journey together is not over. And that, although I'm doing this I could be going out in a much worse way - a more horrid way._

 

_I'm sorry that things didn't go like we planned, how we always planned to get the fuck out of that dingy apartment together and get a house with you, me and Joseph and we never did that. I'm sorry I was never there to make you your favourite dinners, I'm sorry I wasn't there to watch Joseph grow up to be the man he is now. I'm sorry I didn't get to send him off to college. I'm sorry that I was never able to make it to any of his birthdays or his graduation. I'm sorry, I'm sorry there is a fucking long list of regrets that I have._

 

_Serenity this is not about me, never has anything I've ever done been about or for me. I did everything I did to take care of you, and I'm sorry I let my addiction get between us - affect us. I wanted to watch you bloom into the beautiful, strong and independent woman you are now. Just know that, wherever you are I am and always will be with you. When you're whistling your favourite tunes while making Joseph breakfast, I'm with you, when you're watching some shitty show on TV, I am with you. When you're strolling down the street on your way to work, I'm with you. When you're stuck in traffic, I'm with you. I AM WITH YOU. I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN AND ALWAYS WILL BE BABY._

 

_You are what gave my life meaning, my life purpose and after waiting for you for 18 years, almost 19 I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't. I waited for you to return to me, to hide in your safe place, my arms, between my breasts where your tears would stain my shirts - your safe place, your home. You are what gave me, my life meaning. My heart wasn't beating until you came along and I saw you, the most beautiful girl who was stubborn as fuck, you were always so stubborn, Serenity. Thats a trait we share._

 

_Joseph, you have disappeared, like everything else. I'm lost, and when you left, and she left, you took everything with you. But the absence of you both is everywhere I look. Its like someone took a fucking knife and stabbed me right in the goddamn chest so now all my emotions are spewed over the floor. But in a way I'm glad because the only way I remember you two is through the pain, is that you were real and with that I felt good._

 

_There were a lot of moments when I wished you didn't rely on me because you, Serenity Powell deserved far better. You are someone who is worth a thousand words but also priceless. You're someone who's intense kisses can take away the pain of anything, your dense tongue stole all the words I was meant to say._

 

_What's important isn't how much we see each other - but how much we think about each other, so think of me always. I'm thinking of you wherever you are, and enduring this journey without you was the hardest one I ever had to embark on alone. Serenity, my dear, I am in love with you, utter, deep, love with you YOU._

 

_Not Hazel - she was never important to me - none of my songs were ever about her, they were always about you, you you you. You filled me up, filled my lungs like the cigarettes I inhaled you were a goddamn drug that I needed. That I relied on but never prepared for. Serenity, darling, all I can fucking do is thank you. Thank you god fucking dammit, thank you for loving me, thank you for adoring me and seeing the good in me but, I'm sorry, I let the bad take over. Just know I'll always be with you, I know somewhere in that dopey little house - or apartment - whatever you have somewhere is my guitar necklace that you stole from me - wear it always, please, that way I'm close to your heart._

 

_I love you, Serenity Powell, always know that, always remember your significance to me and to this world. I may have departed it but that does not mean you can as well. The difference between you and I, my dear, is you will grow old - older than you are now - you will find someone to remarry, to love, to have and to hold in sickness and in health. I love you, and you always deserved someone better._

 

_Once again, thank you for the good years, the years you spent with me, the years you gave me. Thank you for having a beautiful son with me, thank you for the motivation and inspiration to always be the best I can be and to never take shit from anybody. Thank you for letting me be me, thank you for taking me as who I am - who I was._

 

_-Billie, December 28th, 2012."_

 

The note not only pulled on my heart strings but it meant the world to me. It gave me mixed feelings of happiness, sadness and closure. I was going to read one of Billie's poems at the funeral with either Cigarettes and Valentines playing in the background, Waiting or Good Riddance. Billie - he - I don't know if there was ever any words that could add up to him, to who he is. Was. Who he was.

 

With Billie you either hated him because he was an asshole and loved everything else about him or you just loved his assholeish behavior and all the other things he had to offer. Billie was never just one thing, was never just one person, he was many different things. He was beautiful - a blessing to have on this earth, too good for it, way too fucking good for this place, and for me.

 

We pulled up to the graveyard and I swallowed, unable to breathe. Unable to handle that this was really happening. Joseph grabbed my hand and opened the door, helping me out of the car and as we got out I watched the others followed, Joseph clutched my hand, our palms sweating and I began crying, wiping the tears away with my shaw. I didn't want to seem weak but at the same time I just wanted to break down.

 

Walking to where the burial was being held, rocky roads transforming into the green grass and I walked up to the grave, awaiting for the car with Billie's casket in it to show up. I knew they were dressing him in the tuxedo so it'd take a bit of time. I was clutching my love letters I had collected up to Billie over the years - they all added up.

 

The car finally showed up and I wasn't ready to see him in there like that, especially in the suit we got married in. But I sucked it up and watched as Mike and Tré along with two soldiers took the casket out of the back of the car, carrying it towards the grave and setting it down on the hatches that would lower it into the hole.

 

They opened the casket for our final goodbyes and I closed my eyes, hearing it click open and them grunting as they raised the top - and thats when my eyes shot open and I saw it - saw him.

 

Billie, laying there, his veins more prominent than his skin, his hands laid out on the button of his tux, his lips plump as if they were filled with life but I knew they weren't. His fingers looked blistered from guitar playing and picking at them from anxiety. I kissed my finger tips and touched them to his cold forehead. I knew he wasn't in there, that wasn't him. I laid my letters to him around him and on him, dated back to 1992. I love you Billie, I will always and forever love you.

 

I stood at the front of his casket, preparing myself to say things and as I looked at all the faces around me, hearing Good Riddance emit from a distance. I chuckled and pulled my hair behind my ears.

 

"Okay so I've never been any good at these things but, Billie is - was, a beautiful man." I stopped and rethought what I was going to say. "No, you no what, fuck that. Billie was a goddamn human being who was endless in each and every way - there is no right way to describe him because it is nearly impossible. There is no words that add up to Billie - to who he was. He just was. That is all there is to it, he just was what and who he was. There is no adjective good enough to add up to the man I love, whow as once my husband. There will never be a word in the English language that could ever add up or make sense of what he was - whom he was. 

 

Billie was Billie, he was Billie Joe fucking Armstrong, thats all there is to it. He was loyal, trustworthy, and faithful to you, YOU only. To you Mike, you were his best friend, Tré, he loved you more than anything, me even. Billie was full of rage - Billie was full of sadness, empathy, he was full of everything, love for everyone except himself. He always gave himself a hard time and he didn't need to.

 

Billie was inevitable, once you got him into you - inside your veins, pumping through you, to your heart, to your brain, he was impossible to get out there was no getting rid of him. He was and always will be apart of you, bigger than you, bigger than himself. Billie was the most extravagant man I ever had the pleasure in knowing, in kissing, in getting completely infatuated with. He is the person you don't regret, he's the person you don't have any bad memories with. Billie was the kind of person to never forget you just as you wouldn't him. Billie is the kind of person who would give you his all or give you nothing.

 

If we're being honest here Billie was just a tie, Billie was a knot, a noose. He tied himself around your heart and pulled and pulled and pulled until it burst and when it did it surprisingly didn't hurt. He was a knot that held everything together, because when things got bad he was always there to patch it up. He was a knot, tape, super glue, whatever you want to refer to him as. Billie was what kept us all going, believing in ourselves. Green Day never would have made it this far if not for Billie never having given up. And for Mike and Tré sticking by his side and believing in themselves that they had the potential to really make something of themselves, and they did.

 

Billie was and still is something you cannot let go of, Billie is someone who you'll never find another one of. Billie was a magical person who when you were around you could feel the happiness and energy and heat he radiated, as if he was always warm and always smelled good. Billie was somebody who is irreplaceable, Billie is somebody who you could never duplicate, Billie is somebody who's heart wrenches with yours in time of pain.

 

Billie was and is and always will be the one and only, the one you pour everything out to and he understands everything you're saying to him, Billie the man who was never afraid to give his opinions on things or run his mouth and get his ass beat. Billie, he was just, well, Billie, there is nothing else to it because you cannot use any other or specific one word to describe who or what he is. I love you, Billie Joe Armstrong, and thank you for giving me the time to be let into your life and share your story and experiences. It was a lovely journey."

 

I watched as they closed the casket and I began to sob - finally letting my tears hit me hard, I read one of his poems - well, letters to me as Cigarettes and Valentines played in the back and thats when I let them put the casket in the ground.

 

Watching them lower it as I picked a flower from the ground around it and Joseph tugged on my wrist, tears filling his eyes and running down his cheeks. I pulled the flower petals off, leaving a trail from his grave as we walked away.

 

We got back into the car, buckled up and as I looked around the car of faces they all looked so dead - so emotionally drained and I'm sure I did as well. As we began pulling away I looked back at that grave, your grave and kissed my fingertips, putting them on the cold window. It was almost as cold as you were. They were officially putting you six feet in the ground with dirt covering you, and I never thought you would end up like this.

 

I rolled my window down, looked up at the sky, mumbling the words to Cigarettes and Valentines and whispered one last thing to you,

 

_"Thank you, Billie."_


	18. Epilogue

Billie.

 

One word that had so much meaning behind it to me and I didn't know how even being apart after nearly 20 years and now that you were gone I still held myself together when hearing it.

 

It was one word that, although I knew I'd never see you again I had so much to remember you by. Dating back to the first time we met at school to Woodstock in 1994. All these little things, these simple memories that although it hurt to remember them, its all I had left of you. Of course there was your necklace that I only ever take off for showering. If only you knew that little piece of metal and plastic meant the world to me. I still have some of your clothing and to this day it still smells like you. I don't know how thats possible - I've tried washing it to rid it of you but it never worked. I wear it to bed as if you're here, I hold every bit of you I can close to me.

 

The truth of it all my dear is that although we're far apart, although you're gone from this earth I now know that I can carry on without you. Maybe not perfectly or with good mental health but - I can do it. At least I think I can. I got closure knowing that you never blamed me for anything and that honestly surprised me.

 

You had every right to hate me, to be mad at me for what I did. To be bitter. But maybe that was too much for you to juggle on top of your depression and addiction. Being angry took a lot of energy. I was angry at you for a long time, I refused to talk about it. To talk about you. Every negative thing about you that I thought, that stemmed deep within me. But they were never really there because still, in the end, with all the bad things I had thought you were I STILL loved you.

 

I wanted to plaster my lips to yours and now knowing that I'd never hear them speak another word I - I don't know Billie. I don't know, I'm speaking complete bullshit and really I think I can do this but I can't. You were all I had, you were what gave me - made me believe in what I did and that I could get through the day. Now that you're gone I can't. I just can't. I miss the feeling of your fingers between the empty spaces of mine, I miss your lips even when they were dry. I just I miss you and its becoming too much for me, succumbing me.

 

I looked at the box of letters you left me. Did I tell you Joseph is getting married? He moved out awhile ago, so now I really did have nothing to live for. God I missed him, I missed you. I really couldn't think of a damn thing that I was even still here for, I was just drifting throughout life as days - weeks - months passed me by. I watched as the seasons changed and I just, I couldn't anymore.

 

I went into the bathroom, looked through my medicine cabinet and found some sleeping pills. I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes, going into the kitchen. I found a slip of paper and a pen, beginning to swallow the pills, turning on Cigarettes and Valentines so your voice is the last thing I hear as I wrote my one last note.

 

_Dear Billie._


End file.
